Analysis

I've been feeling a bit... not myself for a while. I'm past the emo part, or I have moved away from it a bit, and I am in an odd mood. I feel like I do nothing of consequence. Even lately, when I talk to Nemesis, after the chat, I can barely feel anything. Some of those conversations have made me feel loved, and I know that. But once they're over, I feel no... purpose in them.

Actually, I feel no purpose on anything. Like everything's meaningless. I guess I'm just too tired of the highs and lows and my body is keeping me away from them for now.

I've discovered that, by neglecting my emotional side, I haven't let it grow. I'm still a teenager emotionally... I started at 13 when this whole thing happened, and I guess I'm reaching 18 now. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel stupid for this (I already have a lot of other reasons to feel stupid for), but I notice that all this emotional roller coasters are making me grow at a tremendous speed. Twenty or so years of repression are trying to catch up with me, and that's a good thing, but it's paying its toll, sometimes.

Going too fast can lead to a couple of accidents, and now that I've noticed this, I think my body is trying to protect me from my mind. And I know I'm still in control. I can choose to break all speed limits and get my feelings up to date as fast as I can.

I don't want to crash. I know I won't protect me for too long, because I don't want this to be another 'Flowers for Algernon'. I don't want to be Charlie Gordon.

I will softly step on the gas, but I'll get there.


"I can be late, but if you can just wait, I will make it eventually"
- Cathy, The last 5 years, by Jason Robert Brown