Take a deep breath... hold it...

As you may have noticed from yesterday's post, my mood's not the greatest due to some Nemesis-related events. We're still 30 days apart from each other, and that is taking a huge effort from both of us. I guess I was being less affected by it since, well, I have lots of things to do, and each of those things, although don't bring me closer to her geographically speaking, are necessary steps towards her. And also, they keep my mind occupied enough to not think constantly about how extenuatingly long it's taking for us to finally be together.

Although I think I know what's bothering Nemesis, I can't really do much to comfort her. She wants to be comforted, but I just can't do it, since each line of our chats is just another confirmation of me being here, and not there. She doesn't want solutions to her state, or explanations, or anything of that sort; she doesn't even want me to relate. She wants me, there. And we're still 30 days away from that; 30 long, terrible days. Different but the same for each.

It'll be a while before I get there. We're gonna have to learn how to live like this before we can exhale.

Just gotta get out

I'm just writing this because I'm going out of my mind, and a little bit into it too.

Everybody's been asking me (understandably) if I have an answer already. Well, I don't. I have... hints. Nothing more than that. I've had several deadlines (none of them imposed by me), several cancellations of those deadlines, and a deep sense of anxiety every time one of those came up.

The first hint today was this:



So I guess she finally talked to the Viking. As soon as I saw it, I checked. She wasn't online. The second and third hints were these other tweets:



I saw these two as I was arriving to my house. The one below was also posted on her blog. I guess she has trouble delivering "The Answer". That's... understandable whether it is yes or no. The steel-enforced line... am I going to want to kick her "cojones" when she tells me? The one above could mean that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and to me. Or that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and I'll be saying goodbye to my life here. Or nothing about that at all.

If she's trying to keep me on my toes, well, it IS working. I have been a fucking mess since the "ahdunno" line. If she's trying to see how long I can endure... Well, the only way to know that is to get me to the point where I can't anymore, right? Is that how it works? Is that payback?

I know I've been talking nonsense for the last 3 posts. Maybe reasonable nonsense, but not very positive or hopeful nonsense. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Those maybes aren't really quantifiable anyway, are they? The only thing that I can tell for sure is that I am going out of my fucking mind with all this. I don't know what the Hell it is going on AGAIN. Once again I'm feeling like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen.



My brother has asked me if I want to watch some game I do not care so much about with some friends. Some other friends are doing some dinner plans and maybe go out somewhere afterward for a few drinks or whatnot. And I'm having a headache, pissed, angry, scared and frustrated, in front of the computer, trying to figure out if I should stay here and wait for Nemesis to appear with some kind of answer to hold on to or if I should just go somewhere and try to clear my head from all this. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stop thinking about this unless I get kinda drunk or tipsy at least. And I have to drive back home, so that may not be the best idea. If I go anywhere in this mood, I might also ruin everybody's night, and also will probably have to talk about all this with no data at all about why Nemesis isn't saying anything, while trying to hold the frustration inside me so I don't start freaking out in front of people I don't see that often and that might think I'm going crazy. Sadly, they might be right.

I bet Nemesis isn't having that great of a day herself, don't get me wrong. I'm not so selfish, no matter how I may look right now... I get it. I know this shit is intense, and very hard. But I really would appreciate not being left on the side. A simple "Will you be available tomorrow to talk?" Would be enough. Something to hold on to that I am not making up inside my head.

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go drinking. If I stay here I'm going to start getting another fucking panic attack. Now THAT would be funny. Nemesis tells the Viking that she wants me, and I die alone that very same night. Like Romeo and Juliet but with all communications working perfectly.

Have a good night.

Idle Hands

Today I received a text from Nemesis, asking me if I was ok. I am not. We met up and skyped for a few minutes. We decided to stop talking today.

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, as they say. And yesterday my hands were extremely idle. I pretty much used them to torture myself over every little thing that could bug me. Everything that could hurt about the Viking, I took. Everything that could hurt me about Nemesis, I kept. Everything that I hated about me, I did, thought, chewed and swallowed. And then, no vent, no escape, no buffer, no release. Up to a moment when I probably wouldn't have cared about anything anymore, that lasted until today, for now, and consumed every possible chance of letting all that crap go.

I hate it that I did this to myself. I am not like this, and I sure as hell don't want to.

Today Nemesis wanted to cheer me up a little, and I didn't let her; I brought her down with me. And now I am relieved, because I hate me enough for that. Enough to feel something, at last. Even if it is the sickening feeling of contempt and loathing towards myself.

I'm really sorry, Nemesis. You didn't deserve that. If anybody can understand me now, that's you.

Good times, bad times

Some days are good.

Friday was good. Nemesis was pretty fucked up after telling the Viking, and, after a while, we had a video chat. She was feeling really awful about it; imagine telling your boyfriend that you're having doubts for almost 24 hours starting at 4 a.m. After a few minutes of both of us feeling like crap about the whole thing, I decided to get Nemesis' mind off the issue and try to make her feel less miserable. There's plenty of misery in her life already. After a few hours, she was saying that her face hurt from smiling that much. How can one not feel happy about that?

Today, however, wasn't that good.

There isn't a real reason for it. Nemesis and I talked, she was feeling tired, then numb, then aggressive... And I was feeling scared. All the time. Still, I tried to make her feel better, because I know she's having it way worse than me. Sometimes, every line you say makes you feel like more and more of an idiot. You don't really need to say anything stupid; it's just you: something inside you is telling you that you're not worthy, that you aren't gonna achieve what you'd like to achieve, and that you're going to end up looking like a fool, friendless, loveless, and devastated. And you, stupid as you are, will fight that feeling, and lose.

Now I feel depressed. And all I want to do is pay tribute to the Gods of Beer and ask them to change my mood or numb me for a while.



Wish me luck. In a few hours, a new day will come.