Just gotta get out

I'm just writing this because I'm going out of my mind, and a little bit into it too.

Everybody's been asking me (understandably) if I have an answer already. Well, I don't. I have... hints. Nothing more than that. I've had several deadlines (none of them imposed by me), several cancellations of those deadlines, and a deep sense of anxiety every time one of those came up.

The first hint today was this:



So I guess she finally talked to the Viking. As soon as I saw it, I checked. She wasn't online. The second and third hints were these other tweets:



I saw these two as I was arriving to my house. The one below was also posted on her blog. I guess she has trouble delivering "The Answer". That's... understandable whether it is yes or no. The steel-enforced line... am I going to want to kick her "cojones" when she tells me? The one above could mean that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and to me. Or that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and I'll be saying goodbye to my life here. Or nothing about that at all.

If she's trying to keep me on my toes, well, it IS working. I have been a fucking mess since the "ahdunno" line. If she's trying to see how long I can endure... Well, the only way to know that is to get me to the point where I can't anymore, right? Is that how it works? Is that payback?

I know I've been talking nonsense for the last 3 posts. Maybe reasonable nonsense, but not very positive or hopeful nonsense. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Those maybes aren't really quantifiable anyway, are they? The only thing that I can tell for sure is that I am going out of my fucking mind with all this. I don't know what the Hell it is going on AGAIN. Once again I'm feeling like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen.



My brother has asked me if I want to watch some game I do not care so much about with some friends. Some other friends are doing some dinner plans and maybe go out somewhere afterward for a few drinks or whatnot. And I'm having a headache, pissed, angry, scared and frustrated, in front of the computer, trying to figure out if I should stay here and wait for Nemesis to appear with some kind of answer to hold on to or if I should just go somewhere and try to clear my head from all this. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stop thinking about this unless I get kinda drunk or tipsy at least. And I have to drive back home, so that may not be the best idea. If I go anywhere in this mood, I might also ruin everybody's night, and also will probably have to talk about all this with no data at all about why Nemesis isn't saying anything, while trying to hold the frustration inside me so I don't start freaking out in front of people I don't see that often and that might think I'm going crazy. Sadly, they might be right.

I bet Nemesis isn't having that great of a day herself, don't get me wrong. I'm not so selfish, no matter how I may look right now... I get it. I know this shit is intense, and very hard. But I really would appreciate not being left on the side. A simple "Will you be available tomorrow to talk?" Would be enough. Something to hold on to that I am not making up inside my head.

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go drinking. If I stay here I'm going to start getting another fucking panic attack. Now THAT would be funny. Nemesis tells the Viking that she wants me, and I die alone that very same night. Like Romeo and Juliet but with all communications working perfectly.

Have a good night.