Hostage

I GoT SoMeTHinG YoU wAnt. 

MeEt ME iN mAnILa in 27 DaYS. 

DoN'T CalL ThE POliCIA oR NO DeaL.  

PLus, THey'lL ThINk YOu'Re WEird.

Picture taken on Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The real story:

The other day (yesterday morning), I was going through my t-shirts and I bumped into a pseudo-familiar one. Definitely not mine, but... Wait! Isn't this Nemesis'? Nah... it can't be. I would have seen it months ago, right? Plus, why would I have it? She hasn't given it to me, and if she had, I'd have remembered. It must be my "wife's". So I give it to my wife but she says it's not hers. Many questions went into my head: WTF? Why do I have Nemesis' shirt?? And most importantly, why has it been washed clean?? Does it smell like her still?? Ngah...

So I did what any decent guy would do with a shirt that doesn't belong to him.

There, that should keep it company.

Take a deep breath... hold it...

As you may have noticed from yesterday's post, my mood's not the greatest due to some Nemesis-related events. We're still 30 days apart from each other, and that is taking a huge effort from both of us. I guess I was being less affected by it since, well, I have lots of things to do, and each of those things, although don't bring me closer to her geographically speaking, are necessary steps towards her. And also, they keep my mind occupied enough to not think constantly about how extenuatingly long it's taking for us to finally be together.

Although I think I know what's bothering Nemesis, I can't really do much to comfort her. She wants to be comforted, but I just can't do it, since each line of our chats is just another confirmation of me being here, and not there. She doesn't want solutions to her state, or explanations, or anything of that sort; she doesn't even want me to relate. She wants me, there. And we're still 30 days away from that; 30 long, terrible days. Different but the same for each.

It'll be a while before I get there. We're gonna have to learn how to live like this before we can exhale.

5

Talking to Nemesis always makes me happy. Of course, sometimes we talk about this "situation" and/or all the crap that we're both going through and sometimes those conversations can get a bit steamy. Still, at the end of the day, we can't stop smiling like two teenagers in love.

We're in the middle of this (the last?) deadline. I can't help but feel excited, scared, and, overall, hopeful. All my fears disappear when I see Nemesis. When I look into her pixelated eyes and see her pixelated smile slowly becoming a giant, 1000 volt grin that makes me feel connected to her. All the understanding lies within those moments of sheer, pure, honest complicity.

All my pessimism, all the worst-case scenarios that I keep playing in my mind, all the ways I've picture myself to react if she finally says 'no', if she, with a few carefully chosen words decides that she doesn't want to give me a chance, breaking me in the process... it all fades when I look at her. It may not be rational, but that doesn't make it any less real.

For now, all I need is hope. The faith I need, she gives to me, maybe unknowingly, everytime we see each other.

6

I am going to try to hope for the best for the next few days. Thoughts of Nemesis saying 'no' keep haunting me, and just those are painful in ways I had never known. Thinking of a life without her is the most terrible feeling; I don't think being this in sync with anybody is something common (it certainly isn't normal for me), and losing that, consciously giving up on it, stupid as it may sound to many, can break me apart. I am talking to her every day, and I know each of them can be the last. We talk about all kinds of stuff, and maybe not too much about the situation, which might be a mistake. I'm trying to let her know how I am in a normal-ish way and, yeah, also keeping some of the painful thoughts away.

She's been saying today that she never acted like a girlfriend when she was with me. That I don't know what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. Was that a warning? Was that her way of telling me that she's going to say 'no'? It's not her being a girlfriend I'm in love with, but her, as she is, no sugarcoats or additives; no more, no less.

She's also doubted my words, when I said I am fully committed to us. As I mentioned on my previous post, actions and words are two different things. But I don't lie. I am an honest guy, and if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it. I may not have been honest to myself for way too long, true, but that has changed. If she says 'yes', I will be all in; no sugarcoats, no additives; no more, no less.

I'm all in.

I've spent 30 years of my life looking for this, and at last I can do something about it. Honoring this is honoring myself, and I will not deny myself anymore. I AM all in for us. Are you?

7

Waking up to your loved one sending you their wishes for the day is definitely a nice feeling.

After a few minutes of "bed conversation", she went ClinicallyInsane on me, since I mentioned to her how lucky she was for having a friend that understood her that well emotionally. So she suggested that I went there already. As in 'now'. I thought about it seriously, and I realized after a few minutes torturing myself that I shouldn't "just go" regardless of her answer, leaving everything behind just like that. That suggestion hit me like a car; the simplified truth that gets rid of all the context. My commitment is full and, if she says yes, I will prove it. But the commitment, the effort, should be balanced. As much as I want her to agree to take me back, it cannot be because of me going there. She should love me enough to ask me to go. I'll do the rest.

A great album and quite an appropriate cover

At some point I turned it around: "what about you? If I asked you to pack and come here to Spain, leaving everything (but her daughter and a few things) behind, would you do it? I'll send you the money and get you the necessary papers for the visas and all that." She mentioned the red tape of the Philippines, but she said, with a confidence that I had trouble judging, "yes". She said "I thought of this 2 years ago, and I haven't changed my mind."

But if that were true, why hasn't she said yes already?

Questions are questions, and actions are actions; both Nemesis and I, for different reasons, have trouble doing some of the latter.

We both need some time to get our minds around certain things, and we both face them in very different ways. We are very alike, and that gives me hope: we both feel the same.

8

Many things happened yesterday: I woke up with a huge headache, and I went to the office where the meetings were constant. While I was there, I thought to myself "I should be talking to Nemesis instead of this guy", but tried to keep my shit together if only to keep appearances. Not that my boss doesn't know about this; I did tell him that I was thinking about living in the Philippines, and I could see in his face that he was afraid that I would leave "just like that". Obviously, telling him that didn't make him give me a raise right away. It's cool, it's cool, I'm hating my job lately anyway.

I am still anxious about all this period, and I hit a really big low when I was telling Nemesis. She tried to pick me up, and, after struggling for a few minutes, she actually did. She gets me. She can say exactly what's right in order to make me react. That, sadly, doesn't happen with many other people. With anybody, really.


When I got home, we talked. She told me about her job-interview, she saw me cooking, and I tried comforting her when I noticed how scared she was that there was a fire outside.

We kept talking about everything and anything, all night long.

Going to bed feeling happy is a wonderful feeling.

10

The final date has been set. In 10 days from now, she will let me know if she is willing to overcome her fears and try and be happy with me or if she won't. The countdown is a bitch, but I guess it's better to know than not to know, right?

Through these past weeks, I've told you about how I've felt without fears of looking like a pussy, or a helpless sap, or a plain romantic. And now, it's almost over. The wait, I mean. Every single day will be full of silent sighs, venting here often, and hoping I have enough strength to hold my shit together.

I hate to reference anything by this guy, but it kinda fits.

I'm trying to be as cool as possible about all this. The thought of being heartbroken scares me to death, though. If she says no, I hope I'll have your support. I am really gonna need it. If she says yes, well... We will have a couple of farewell parties, dinners, and I'll be off in a month. I should be there by the first week of June. Keep your fingers crossed.

As much as I would like to think only about her saying 'yes', I can't. I have to take 'no' into consideration. It's either that or not thinking about it at all.

10 days.

10 days before love turns into a greater expression of it, or turns into a big, giant, unknown, scary creature.

10 days before I know how much love is worth for her.

Wish us luck, will you?

Repressing again.

*sighs*

Closes window.

unHoly Week

5 days of crazy. Well, not really.

Sometimes you allow yourself to think beyond your usual self, and most of the times it scares the hell out of you to think about acting on it, instead of disregarding it as crazy, absurd, or unrealistic. But then again, those things sometimes might be the right choice.

They were 5 days with Nemesis, and almost 2 just getting there and back. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

I spent most of the time on the plane from Amsterdam to Manila thinking about how happy it made me to be able to do what I was doing, and thinking about what to expect. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't, most of the times I had to refrain myself from thinking about it because... well, because it could go wrong, right?

Well, the worse that could happen was that we didn't click, that we didn't work, that the 'spark' wasn't there. So "be calm", and let the fates decide.

She picked me up at the airport, but you already know about that.

Everything clicked, all the sparks were there, and everything seemed to work. We spent as much time as we could with each other, and we couldn't deny that we still are good together.

We laughed a lot, we cried a little, we tied some knots, recorded some memories and had a killer time. All quite unHoly, as expected, not as planned. We ARE an ex-JC and his Nemesis after all, diba?

I learned about me, about her, about the Viking, about old friends, about new ones. I drove an automatic car for the first time. We barely ate, we listened to old favorites, and we missed each other in advance. We said things we couldn't say before.



A lot and very little happened during those 5 days. Fair, finally, is fair.
I'll talk to you in a month, if we can wait that long.

Advice

Me: I've never been heartbroken. Any advice you'd like to offer?
Nemesis: Get used to it.

Insufficient data

When expectations are too high, you are most likely to get disappointed.

Nemesis and the Viking broke up. The 2 week period did not last 7 days. And then Nemesis told me that, as he had suggested, we shouldn't talk for a month. That goes for all; him an her, me and her.

Fair is fair, she said, we shouldn't talk either. But fairness isn't a part of this, it never was. During one of our Skype conversations, one that was supposed to break us up for a month, I ended up suggesting that I go there and spend Holy week together. Her smile was enough to do it. A couple of calls and I was almost packing. It's just 5 days or so, but I really wanted to see her, to be with her, to know if this whole thing was real. The worst thing that could happen was that I went there and we didn't click, right? Nemesis asked her closest friends for a vote in the matter, and most of them agreed that I should come. And so I did.




I barely told anybody (sorry, guys, I sincerely apologize), but I guess I didn't keep it quiet enough. The few people who knew (mainly Nemesis' closes friends), or the things I said/posted must have been enough for the Viking to know. He had another talk with Nemesis, saying that it WAS an actual break up now, whatever that means.

Nemesis picked me up at the airport, and we went to have some brunch. We talked, we laughed, I blamed the jet lag for my bad jokes, and she took me to my hotel. And God, she's still... her.

That same night, we went to meet Nemesis' friends. It was a fun night, and I was partly scared, partly excited about the grilling that was destined to occur. But nothing much really happened during dinner, really. They asked me why I was there, and I explained, basically. And then, after dinner, Nemesis' Brain arrived. And that's when the whole thing got harder.

She asked me in English a lot of questions, and explained a few things. Then she talked to Nemesis in Filipino, not noticing that I was going through a hard time doubting about what all the "Viking", "Spaniard", etc was about. "It's ok", I thought to myself. Then we talked some more, and the conversation started going a bit gentler on me at the end. The verdict? "Insufficient data". There's not enough information about me to know if I could be the best candidate for Nemesis. Breaking up and getting back up again is hard, and it takes a lot out of you, and in Nemesis' case, maybe a bit too much, as she's gone through quite a few intense ones. Is the risk worth her life? The only thing in my favor is that Nemesis loves me.

As I write these lines, she's sleeping behind me, after spending most of yesterday in my bed and a few hours with her daughter. I think I've slept barely 3 hours today, and all that I can think of is that I don't know what will happen. I know I love Mara, and I wish I could be with her, but the Brain was right, we don't know if I'll be with Nemesis forever, or if it won't work out because I'm not ready to be in a serious, adult relationship. I'm a gamble. And the data isn't enough to know the odds.

:|

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm going a bit out of my mind these days.

Apparently, the only thing that has changed in the entire situation is that now there's a deadline. The Viking is still living in Nemesis' house, and, according to her, she could use more space on that side of her life. She only has one weekend to actually think about it, and I bet the Viking won't let her be unless Nemesis really asks him to. And he probably would not leave without a couple of punches below the belt as a signature move.

I have offered Nemesis that she chooses a resort of her liking so she can think about all of this. Of course, she said no. And as always, I told her that my offer still stands.

I've been trying to do... stuff. To keep my mind busy. I've been going to the movies, shopping, doing chores, finding, buying, ordering, and trying to get some things I wanted to send Nemesis, and envelopes or boxes for them (it sounds silly, but one of the things needs a freaking huge envelope! - had to make it myself)... And blogging. Well, you know about that.



And then today, my brother called me and, after asking me how everything was going (I guess my brother hasn't gotten sick of the whole issue yet), pointed out one of the big disadvantages of my situation:

"Why aren't you there already? If Nemesis is trying to decide between a guy who's there, and the idea of a guy who's talking to her through the internet... "



He even offered to pay for the flight. Everybody's so happy to see me like this, to see me... well, in love. They don't see that often (that means never). And I can't help but think that I'm just a ghost competing against real, living humans. It doesn't matter how fast I run, I will never be able to hold a medal.

And so, here lies the question: Should I just go there? When? Is it any good if I go there to visit after the two week period is over? Should I just go there for the weekend? Or should I stay and hope for Nemesis to make her choice?

Math

Two weeks. Two weeks since the 18th, when I got that message:

2 x 7 days so she can make up her mind, so she can choose.
2 x 7 = Nemesis' happiness = N

2 x 7 - x

x = 24h of screaming and yelling + sleepless nights + Friday video+ a silent weekend +(2 days of digesting)/(Viking+Me) = 5 days

2 x 7 - 5 = 9 days

9 days for Nemesis to find out where her happiness is.

9 days = 3 work days + weekend + 4 work days = N(t)

When:


9 days to find N
9 days to break a heart, or 2.
9 days to give up.


Oh, and, incidentally:

March 18th + 2 x 7...


That's right. Happy April Fool's day.
I hope that the joke isn't on N. Wish us luck.

Good times, bad times

Some days are good.

Friday was good. Nemesis was pretty fucked up after telling the Viking, and, after a while, we had a video chat. She was feeling really awful about it; imagine telling your boyfriend that you're having doubts for almost 24 hours starting at 4 a.m. After a few minutes of both of us feeling like crap about the whole thing, I decided to get Nemesis' mind off the issue and try to make her feel less miserable. There's plenty of misery in her life already. After a few hours, she was saying that her face hurt from smiling that much. How can one not feel happy about that?

Today, however, wasn't that good.

There isn't a real reason for it. Nemesis and I talked, she was feeling tired, then numb, then aggressive... And I was feeling scared. All the time. Still, I tried to make her feel better, because I know she's having it way worse than me. Sometimes, every line you say makes you feel like more and more of an idiot. You don't really need to say anything stupid; it's just you: something inside you is telling you that you're not worthy, that you aren't gonna achieve what you'd like to achieve, and that you're going to end up looking like a fool, friendless, loveless, and devastated. And you, stupid as you are, will fight that feeling, and lose.

Now I feel depressed. And all I want to do is pay tribute to the Gods of Beer and ask them to change my mood or numb me for a while.



Wish me luck. In a few hours, a new day will come.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

Against the waves

I just woke up a few minutes ago. I'm still having that slight veil in my eyes, that doesn't quite allow me to enter the world of "the awoken". I had a dream today.

I was in the Philippines, at some party. Nemesis' friends were there (ClinicallyInsane included), some I saw and talked to, and some I just knew were there but couldn't see them (TheCouple+1). I knew that Nemesis was there, although, if I saw her, it was only from afar (long, beautiful dark hair). Her dad was there too; he looked at me with an expression that mixed curiosity and concern, the look of someone who's trying to understand something that is important but too new to be trusted completely right away.

It was a fancy party, at a beautiful place by a hill.

For some reason, at some point, a few of the younger men on that party had to prove our worth: we had to jump into the ocean and swim against the current. We run down the hill, while some men removed their clothes, their shoes... It wasn't a competition. There was not a starting line. We knew we had to do it in order to achieve... something, I guess. Nemesis' dad was looking at the whole thing from the top of the hill, silently judging.

I just removed my shoes and jacket, and jumped into the water. For some reason I was wearing swimming trunks under my slacks (did I know this was going to happen?). The first few minutes of swimming were ok; the water was cold, but not freezing. We had to reach some sculptures that were a couple of hundred meters away from the shore, and, although most of the participants took the whole thing in a playful manner, I knew it was very important for me to try my best. And then the waves came.

A handful of us were getting closer to the sculptures when the waves started getting darker and bigger. They pushed us away from our goal, so we only could advance a few inches if we tried, and get dragged back to the shore if we gave up. The waves were big enough to make me lose sight of the sculptures, dragging me up and down, sensually, violently. I kept swimming as hard as I could.

Around 10 meters away from the sculptures, I woke up.

Fragile.

A window was our stage, and the texts our voices.

She was the host, the third party. I was me, as I usually am. We were the actors and, most of all, the audience.
It was a play, an interview, about fear and love. At first it was.

The lines became blurry, and the play turned into a horrid radio show. One-way communication, but only maybe.

Laying on the floor, trying to remain conscious, trying to understand the curses that came out of my mouth, I thought "please stop, she shouldn't see this". It's already complicated as it is.

But that was on my side of the world. I could only imagine her in hers: crying, terrified, listening to my loud attempts to catch my breath. And typing, impotent. What else could she do?

...

Today I'm numb, scared, and, most of all, ashamed.

Thoughts

It's funny how minds work.

I know I love Nemesis. And yet, sometimes I hear voices in my head (not literally guys, don't worry) that tell me things such as:

- This is way too painful. Just forget about it; you know you can be happy without her.
- Love should be easy; if this isn't, it's not love.
- Are you really sure you want to drop everything just for a girl? Isn't that a bit... insane?
- Is that who you want to be? An irresponsible, impulsive, exposed guy that just leaves everybody for a girl that could break you like a toothpick?

...and many, many more. I wipe those thoughts out with one simple statement: I know I love her, and I won't be happy if I don't try being with her. Don't you Vampires get in the way of my happiness, motherf***ers!

Since I'm FINALLY saying what I feel, I gotta say this: I feel weird. I feel weird saying things like "I love you", or "no, I don't really consider you my friend; you're nice and all, but..." Those things bother me. It takes an effort to say what you feel. I'm overcoming that effort, since the problem was mine.

But Nemesis has never said "I love you too". Does that mean that she doesn't? Or just that she doesn't know? Someone said today "If you don't know, then it's not love". Do any of you 2 readers think that's true?

Who am I?

Ever since I told Nemesis about my realization regarding my happiness, things have been... changing.

I'm putting Nemesis in a very critical situation, and I know that's gotta suck for her. Does she want to be the kind of girlfriend who dumps his boyfriend just because I, an ex-boyfriend who made her life miserable when I left, just realized that still love her 2 years later?

Do I want to be a guy who waltzes back into my ex's life and, realizing he had made a mistake leaving, decides that "now it's ok to steal a dude's girlfriend"?

I have never been like that. I was a very correct, polite, eager to please, and plan-following kind of person. I was selfless, and that was home. It's easy to please everybody when you're not in the picture. Problem avoidance wasn't hard, and doing "the right thing" and being honest at all times could keep me out of trouble for another 30 years, no doubt.

All of a sudden, I realize that I want to be happy, and that should be the priority. I can afford to be bold, and do and say things that are definitely shocking for anybody who had known me before "chapter 2", just because they're on the path of my happiness, and because I don't want to keep my feelings secret anymore. I can finally say "I love you" to Nemesis, and although this takes an effort on my account, I know it's true. It might screw her up that I say that, after all this time. She has never said it back to me...

I don't know if I'm becoming a nihilist, an objectivist, or a selfish asshole.

Your opinions are welcome.