6

I am going to try to hope for the best for the next few days. Thoughts of Nemesis saying 'no' keep haunting me, and just those are painful in ways I had never known. Thinking of a life without her is the most terrible feeling; I don't think being this in sync with anybody is something common (it certainly isn't normal for me), and losing that, consciously giving up on it, stupid as it may sound to many, can break me apart. I am talking to her every day, and I know each of them can be the last. We talk about all kinds of stuff, and maybe not too much about the situation, which might be a mistake. I'm trying to let her know how I am in a normal-ish way and, yeah, also keeping some of the painful thoughts away.

She's been saying today that she never acted like a girlfriend when she was with me. That I don't know what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. Was that a warning? Was that her way of telling me that she's going to say 'no'? It's not her being a girlfriend I'm in love with, but her, as she is, no sugarcoats or additives; no more, no less.

She's also doubted my words, when I said I am fully committed to us. As I mentioned on my previous post, actions and words are two different things. But I don't lie. I am an honest guy, and if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it. I may not have been honest to myself for way too long, true, but that has changed. If she says 'yes', I will be all in; no sugarcoats, no additives; no more, no less.

I'm all in.

I've spent 30 years of my life looking for this, and at last I can do something about it. Honoring this is honoring myself, and I will not deny myself anymore. I AM all in for us. Are you?