Wrapping my head around it

4

Sorry for not keeping up with the days on my posts. I have been writing one day after the actual title, so this is day 3 actually. Very early day 3, though, if that counts. And I'm posting it at the very (VERY) beginning of 2!

Yesterday was a "big day" for Nemesis; she had many, many questions to answer. She had a job interview, she had a quiz, and... well, she had this ongoing question that she has to answer in a few days. She managed to rock the first two; she may not have much experience at them, but, with a little help from her friends, she did really well in both. We were lucky enough to talk for a while before going to bed, and she was... well, drunk, exhausted, and funny as ever. With all the crazy going on, she and I (who was still sober) managed to talk about our days with the giddy excitement that the sense of accomplishment (plus inebriation) can give.

We talked about her day, about mine, about this situation... and everything felt... just right.



Who said that small days can't be great? Oh... that's right. Nobody.

6

I am going to try to hope for the best for the next few days. Thoughts of Nemesis saying 'no' keep haunting me, and just those are painful in ways I had never known. Thinking of a life without her is the most terrible feeling; I don't think being this in sync with anybody is something common (it certainly isn't normal for me), and losing that, consciously giving up on it, stupid as it may sound to many, can break me apart. I am talking to her every day, and I know each of them can be the last. We talk about all kinds of stuff, and maybe not too much about the situation, which might be a mistake. I'm trying to let her know how I am in a normal-ish way and, yeah, also keeping some of the painful thoughts away.

She's been saying today that she never acted like a girlfriend when she was with me. That I don't know what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. Was that a warning? Was that her way of telling me that she's going to say 'no'? It's not her being a girlfriend I'm in love with, but her, as she is, no sugarcoats or additives; no more, no less.

She's also doubted my words, when I said I am fully committed to us. As I mentioned on my previous post, actions and words are two different things. But I don't lie. I am an honest guy, and if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it. I may not have been honest to myself for way too long, true, but that has changed. If she says 'yes', I will be all in; no sugarcoats, no additives; no more, no less.

I'm all in.

I've spent 30 years of my life looking for this, and at last I can do something about it. Honoring this is honoring myself, and I will not deny myself anymore. I AM all in for us. Are you?

7

Waking up to your loved one sending you their wishes for the day is definitely a nice feeling.

After a few minutes of "bed conversation", she went ClinicallyInsane on me, since I mentioned to her how lucky she was for having a friend that understood her that well emotionally. So she suggested that I went there already. As in 'now'. I thought about it seriously, and I realized after a few minutes torturing myself that I shouldn't "just go" regardless of her answer, leaving everything behind just like that. That suggestion hit me like a car; the simplified truth that gets rid of all the context. My commitment is full and, if she says yes, I will prove it. But the commitment, the effort, should be balanced. As much as I want her to agree to take me back, it cannot be because of me going there. She should love me enough to ask me to go. I'll do the rest.

A great album and quite an appropriate cover

At some point I turned it around: "what about you? If I asked you to pack and come here to Spain, leaving everything (but her daughter and a few things) behind, would you do it? I'll send you the money and get you the necessary papers for the visas and all that." She mentioned the red tape of the Philippines, but she said, with a confidence that I had trouble judging, "yes". She said "I thought of this 2 years ago, and I haven't changed my mind."

But if that were true, why hasn't she said yes already?

Questions are questions, and actions are actions; both Nemesis and I, for different reasons, have trouble doing some of the latter.

We both need some time to get our minds around certain things, and we both face them in very different ways. We are very alike, and that gives me hope: we both feel the same.

9

I didn't sleep too well tonight. I went to bed with eNemesis, who had trouble sleeping and, everytime I opened my eyes (which happened every hour or so), I wanted her to be there. That happened just twice.

Today I woke up from a dream where I was lookung for an album while dogs bit my legs and the song 'Heartbreak warfare' was playing. I shower-scened, and felt, once again, heartbroken. Well, something close to that; I've never had my heart broken, since, as it seems, I've never had a heart.

After the shower, I thought about questions like "Has she said anything?""Any news?""When are you leaving for Manila?" All those questions that are being asked frequently by my friends, along with "Have you ever had your heart broken?" I tried to chuckle at the fact that all those questions have the same answer: not yet. I realized I felt like someone was pushing me down. Physically. Raising my head and standing up straight has taken me quite some effort today. Then the maid said with a smile, as I was pouring some orange juice downstairs: You're gonna be alone again, huh?

While on the car, on my way to the office I've learnt to detest, I didn't play any music. If I don't have anybody telling me about love or relationships, I should be ok, I thought. Once again I was wrong. I Facebooked: Back to square 3. Chest pains, heavy breathing, not-so-safe driving... I hope for the 'yes', but I can feel the 'no' materializing before me.

It's 9:30ish in the morning and my day already feels unbearable. Why am I not in Manila already? Even one of my co-workers asked me if I was ok. I must look like I feel.

10

The final date has been set. In 10 days from now, she will let me know if she is willing to overcome her fears and try and be happy with me or if she won't. The countdown is a bitch, but I guess it's better to know than not to know, right?

Through these past weeks, I've told you about how I've felt without fears of looking like a pussy, or a helpless sap, or a plain romantic. And now, it's almost over. The wait, I mean. Every single day will be full of silent sighs, venting here often, and hoping I have enough strength to hold my shit together.

I hate to reference anything by this guy, but it kinda fits.

I'm trying to be as cool as possible about all this. The thought of being heartbroken scares me to death, though. If she says no, I hope I'll have your support. I am really gonna need it. If she says yes, well... We will have a couple of farewell parties, dinners, and I'll be off in a month. I should be there by the first week of June. Keep your fingers crossed.

As much as I would like to think only about her saying 'yes', I can't. I have to take 'no' into consideration. It's either that or not thinking about it at all.

10 days.

10 days before love turns into a greater expression of it, or turns into a big, giant, unknown, scary creature.

10 days before I know how much love is worth for her.

Wish us luck, will you?

Blocking and unblocking

Today I did something kind of stupid. Not that I never do, but this was a different kind of stupid.

Nemesis posted an entry a few weeks ago that mentioned something that we are both fans of, and I replied a few times in a playful way, inside-joking and all that. A few hours ago, I heard some news about that thing and hurried excitedly to post it under her comment section on her blog, not noticing that I was still logged in Wordpress as SatanPridefulDiner. After realizing this, and after googling "removing comments from wordpress", I realized that I couldn't simply undo what I had done.

The countdown had begun: Nemesis was about to arrive home and she isn't supposed to know about all this... I mean, she knows I blog, but I have never told her where it is because it might affect my "catharsis" in a bad way. So I began doing the only logical thing I could do without actually thinking first: I started password-protecting every entry (Hogad), and I moved my blogger blog to a super secret site (I know).

When she arrived, I told her what had happened and she hurried to check it out, to find it... well, password-protected entries. What started playfully as a 'Imma find your password' game, started getting a bit more serious, and then I realized I don't need to keep this shit away from her. This is the EMOest part of me, but it's still me so, if she ever decides that she wants to give us a try, she should know about all the sides of me. So I started removing every password while she was giving me an "I don't give a fuck, I don't have the right to be pissed anyway!" attitude and typing quite loudly.

Before she even checked my blog again, she made a post about it to vent a little bit. I didn't really care anymore about her reading my blog, or about her venting about everything (lord knows she vents a lot), but I did care about the whole "I don't care" attitude because, frankly, I want her to care.

Accepting her reading my stuff is the ultimate frontier for me; I know it's absurd, but I didn't want her to read all this because it could undermine my own self-expression (and yes, I sound like a 1970s cliched feminist hippie), and I needed to say what's going on without thinking that she might be reading it. That was my mistake.

Jumping from a plane without thinking about it is easy; is knowing that you could die and jump that's valuable. If I can't say (write) these things to her face (screen), I'll be stuck in a semi-repressed state that won't allow me to fully deal with this.

So here it is: Nemesis, this is me. Blog, meet Nemesis.

:|

So now it's up to you... for both of us.

There's not a consensus on how to do certain things. So I played partly democratically, and partly thinking that I just had to say it already so I didn't feel like I did any longer.

Most has been said. She might have not absorbed it all as she should, but she must have gotten the basic idea: Say yes, and I'll come.

This is how Olympic athletes must feel like before the judges. Wish me luck.