1

Day 1 is over. It has been over for an hour and 6 minutes ago, so I guess this is one of those countdowns that end in zero.

Nemesis was going to meet the Viking today, but I think she finally couldn't. The Viking had a shoot (he's an actor/developer), and I guess he finally couldn't make it.

I don't know what Nemesis wants to tell him, but I'm pretty sure she has an answer already. Still, she refuses to give it away. I'm fine with that, since, as we know now, this countdown goes all the way to zero. So I guess today will be the day we finally get an answer. Or maybe not. I asked Nemesis if she would give me her answer tomorrow, and she said "ahdunno .."

:|

It might have been that I had been waiting at the office for too long, or that I was feeling hungry, or that I felt hot and sweaty, but that answer didn't feel good at all. I said bye shortly after that and left. She probably didn't notice that I was being serious. If I were her, if I hadn't had anything to do, this post might have been quite different.

I'm still cranky though. Should I write what I feel now? Should I write what I felt?

2

Day 2 is almost over.

Things today haven't really changed, but not saying anything would leave the countdown hanging. To be honest, this post is just for continuity's sake.

There have been musicals, there were stories. There was creative improvisational suggestive writing, and one way audio communication. There was some carpet cleaning, and fumes coming from it. There was very little talk about the situation, although she did post something on her blog.

The last day is tomorrow. But the last day for what? I feel like we're in Lethal Weapon 3; is it a one, two, and let's do this on three, or is it a one, two, three, and then we do this? Either way, I'll be fine. Thinking in terms of time at this point isn't doing me any good...

I'm too old for this shit. -Sergeant Roger Murtaugh

3

Confidence is slowly becoming more a part of me that I expected. By now, I expected me to fall apart, to ask for a couple of days off or to just call in sick due to the extreme anxiety/drama/crapamount. But no, I am actually feeling good about all this. Maybe it's because of all the advice and support from my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not letting myself think about the worst, as I used to do (thanks Juaninamillion). Maybe it's because perspective has actually kicked in.

Have I said it before? If she is so much like me, and feels about me the same way I feel about her, the only reasons why she would say no are so powerful, so daunting, so vast, that it'd be ok.

The fear of the "no", the fear of rejection, of the unknown, of the reaction I might have if this thing that I'm doing -putting everything on the line for something that could make me happy- doesn't work, it would be fine. I will be fine. Everything will change and will transform into something that could, maybe one day, be put on the line again.

But I refuse to live a life where I cannot risk it all for something. That would be lowering my standards, and, that way, lowering myself.

Do I have fears? Yes, of course. Not fearing anything would make life too vain, too boring. What would we fight against then? I just have to deal with them whichever they are, as best as I can, and then I'll be alright. Nothing can haunt you if you're doing your best, right?

The very foundations of this situation we have created still stand, no matter how easily we forget them; this is all for the best of all of us. Day 2 just started. Wish us all luck.

4

Sorry for not keeping up with the days on my posts. I have been writing one day after the actual title, so this is day 3 actually. Very early day 3, though, if that counts. And I'm posting it at the very (VERY) beginning of 2!

Yesterday was a "big day" for Nemesis; she had many, many questions to answer. She had a job interview, she had a quiz, and... well, she had this ongoing question that she has to answer in a few days. She managed to rock the first two; she may not have much experience at them, but, with a little help from her friends, she did really well in both. We were lucky enough to talk for a while before going to bed, and she was... well, drunk, exhausted, and funny as ever. With all the crazy going on, she and I (who was still sober) managed to talk about our days with the giddy excitement that the sense of accomplishment (plus inebriation) can give.

We talked about her day, about mine, about this situation... and everything felt... just right.



Who said that small days can't be great? Oh... that's right. Nobody.

5

Talking to Nemesis always makes me happy. Of course, sometimes we talk about this "situation" and/or all the crap that we're both going through and sometimes those conversations can get a bit steamy. Still, at the end of the day, we can't stop smiling like two teenagers in love.

We're in the middle of this (the last?) deadline. I can't help but feel excited, scared, and, overall, hopeful. All my fears disappear when I see Nemesis. When I look into her pixelated eyes and see her pixelated smile slowly becoming a giant, 1000 volt grin that makes me feel connected to her. All the understanding lies within those moments of sheer, pure, honest complicity.

All my pessimism, all the worst-case scenarios that I keep playing in my mind, all the ways I've picture myself to react if she finally says 'no', if she, with a few carefully chosen words decides that she doesn't want to give me a chance, breaking me in the process... it all fades when I look at her. It may not be rational, but that doesn't make it any less real.

For now, all I need is hope. The faith I need, she gives to me, maybe unknowingly, everytime we see each other.

6

I am going to try to hope for the best for the next few days. Thoughts of Nemesis saying 'no' keep haunting me, and just those are painful in ways I had never known. Thinking of a life without her is the most terrible feeling; I don't think being this in sync with anybody is something common (it certainly isn't normal for me), and losing that, consciously giving up on it, stupid as it may sound to many, can break me apart. I am talking to her every day, and I know each of them can be the last. We talk about all kinds of stuff, and maybe not too much about the situation, which might be a mistake. I'm trying to let her know how I am in a normal-ish way and, yeah, also keeping some of the painful thoughts away.

She's been saying today that she never acted like a girlfriend when she was with me. That I don't know what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. Was that a warning? Was that her way of telling me that she's going to say 'no'? It's not her being a girlfriend I'm in love with, but her, as she is, no sugarcoats or additives; no more, no less.

She's also doubted my words, when I said I am fully committed to us. As I mentioned on my previous post, actions and words are two different things. But I don't lie. I am an honest guy, and if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it. I may not have been honest to myself for way too long, true, but that has changed. If she says 'yes', I will be all in; no sugarcoats, no additives; no more, no less.

I'm all in.

I've spent 30 years of my life looking for this, and at last I can do something about it. Honoring this is honoring myself, and I will not deny myself anymore. I AM all in for us. Are you?

7

Waking up to your loved one sending you their wishes for the day is definitely a nice feeling.

After a few minutes of "bed conversation", she went ClinicallyInsane on me, since I mentioned to her how lucky she was for having a friend that understood her that well emotionally. So she suggested that I went there already. As in 'now'. I thought about it seriously, and I realized after a few minutes torturing myself that I shouldn't "just go" regardless of her answer, leaving everything behind just like that. That suggestion hit me like a car; the simplified truth that gets rid of all the context. My commitment is full and, if she says yes, I will prove it. But the commitment, the effort, should be balanced. As much as I want her to agree to take me back, it cannot be because of me going there. She should love me enough to ask me to go. I'll do the rest.

A great album and quite an appropriate cover

At some point I turned it around: "what about you? If I asked you to pack and come here to Spain, leaving everything (but her daughter and a few things) behind, would you do it? I'll send you the money and get you the necessary papers for the visas and all that." She mentioned the red tape of the Philippines, but she said, with a confidence that I had trouble judging, "yes". She said "I thought of this 2 years ago, and I haven't changed my mind."

But if that were true, why hasn't she said yes already?

Questions are questions, and actions are actions; both Nemesis and I, for different reasons, have trouble doing some of the latter.

We both need some time to get our minds around certain things, and we both face them in very different ways. We are very alike, and that gives me hope: we both feel the same.

8

Many things happened yesterday: I woke up with a huge headache, and I went to the office where the meetings were constant. While I was there, I thought to myself "I should be talking to Nemesis instead of this guy", but tried to keep my shit together if only to keep appearances. Not that my boss doesn't know about this; I did tell him that I was thinking about living in the Philippines, and I could see in his face that he was afraid that I would leave "just like that". Obviously, telling him that didn't make him give me a raise right away. It's cool, it's cool, I'm hating my job lately anyway.

I am still anxious about all this period, and I hit a really big low when I was telling Nemesis. She tried to pick me up, and, after struggling for a few minutes, she actually did. She gets me. She can say exactly what's right in order to make me react. That, sadly, doesn't happen with many other people. With anybody, really.


When I got home, we talked. She told me about her job-interview, she saw me cooking, and I tried comforting her when I noticed how scared she was that there was a fire outside.

We kept talking about everything and anything, all night long.

Going to bed feeling happy is a wonderful feeling.

9

I didn't sleep too well tonight. I went to bed with eNemesis, who had trouble sleeping and, everytime I opened my eyes (which happened every hour or so), I wanted her to be there. That happened just twice.

Today I woke up from a dream where I was lookung for an album while dogs bit my legs and the song 'Heartbreak warfare' was playing. I shower-scened, and felt, once again, heartbroken. Well, something close to that; I've never had my heart broken, since, as it seems, I've never had a heart.

After the shower, I thought about questions like "Has she said anything?""Any news?""When are you leaving for Manila?" All those questions that are being asked frequently by my friends, along with "Have you ever had your heart broken?" I tried to chuckle at the fact that all those questions have the same answer: not yet. I realized I felt like someone was pushing me down. Physically. Raising my head and standing up straight has taken me quite some effort today. Then the maid said with a smile, as I was pouring some orange juice downstairs: You're gonna be alone again, huh?

While on the car, on my way to the office I've learnt to detest, I didn't play any music. If I don't have anybody telling me about love or relationships, I should be ok, I thought. Once again I was wrong. I Facebooked: Back to square 3. Chest pains, heavy breathing, not-so-safe driving... I hope for the 'yes', but I can feel the 'no' materializing before me.

It's 9:30ish in the morning and my day already feels unbearable. Why am I not in Manila already? Even one of my co-workers asked me if I was ok. I must look like I feel.

10

The final date has been set. In 10 days from now, she will let me know if she is willing to overcome her fears and try and be happy with me or if she won't. The countdown is a bitch, but I guess it's better to know than not to know, right?

Through these past weeks, I've told you about how I've felt without fears of looking like a pussy, or a helpless sap, or a plain romantic. And now, it's almost over. The wait, I mean. Every single day will be full of silent sighs, venting here often, and hoping I have enough strength to hold my shit together.

I hate to reference anything by this guy, but it kinda fits.

I'm trying to be as cool as possible about all this. The thought of being heartbroken scares me to death, though. If she says no, I hope I'll have your support. I am really gonna need it. If she says yes, well... We will have a couple of farewell parties, dinners, and I'll be off in a month. I should be there by the first week of June. Keep your fingers crossed.

As much as I would like to think only about her saying 'yes', I can't. I have to take 'no' into consideration. It's either that or not thinking about it at all.

10 days.

10 days before love turns into a greater expression of it, or turns into a big, giant, unknown, scary creature.

10 days before I know how much love is worth for her.

Wish us luck, will you?

Blocking and unblocking

Today I did something kind of stupid. Not that I never do, but this was a different kind of stupid.

Nemesis posted an entry a few weeks ago that mentioned something that we are both fans of, and I replied a few times in a playful way, inside-joking and all that. A few hours ago, I heard some news about that thing and hurried excitedly to post it under her comment section on her blog, not noticing that I was still logged in Wordpress as SatanPridefulDiner. After realizing this, and after googling "removing comments from wordpress", I realized that I couldn't simply undo what I had done.

The countdown had begun: Nemesis was about to arrive home and she isn't supposed to know about all this... I mean, she knows I blog, but I have never told her where it is because it might affect my "catharsis" in a bad way. So I began doing the only logical thing I could do without actually thinking first: I started password-protecting every entry (Hogad), and I moved my blogger blog to a super secret site (I know).

When she arrived, I told her what had happened and she hurried to check it out, to find it... well, password-protected entries. What started playfully as a 'Imma find your password' game, started getting a bit more serious, and then I realized I don't need to keep this shit away from her. This is the EMOest part of me, but it's still me so, if she ever decides that she wants to give us a try, she should know about all the sides of me. So I started removing every password while she was giving me an "I don't give a fuck, I don't have the right to be pissed anyway!" attitude and typing quite loudly.

Before she even checked my blog again, she made a post about it to vent a little bit. I didn't really care anymore about her reading my blog, or about her venting about everything (lord knows she vents a lot), but I did care about the whole "I don't care" attitude because, frankly, I want her to care.

Accepting her reading my stuff is the ultimate frontier for me; I know it's absurd, but I didn't want her to read all this because it could undermine my own self-expression (and yes, I sound like a 1970s cliched feminist hippie), and I needed to say what's going on without thinking that she might be reading it. That was my mistake.

Jumping from a plane without thinking about it is easy; is knowing that you could die and jump that's valuable. If I can't say (write) these things to her face (screen), I'll be stuck in a semi-repressed state that won't allow me to fully deal with this.

So here it is: Nemesis, this is me. Blog, meet Nemesis.

Acceptance.

When you're a kid, you do not think that much about things around you. As you grow up, being accepted, or creating a status or a reputation becomes increasingly important. How we are perceived by others is not only a matter of oneself; people will see you not only as you project yourself to be, but as they've learned to perceive people who project that image that you're conveying. The peak on the perception/importance graph probably occurs during our teenage years, and, sometimes, a bit later.

Later in life, you understand that it is impossible to be perceived the same way by everybody. Some people will see you as a great, understanding, kind fellow, while others will perceive you as a false, pretentious bastard. And yet, both groups of people might have seen you doing the exact same things, acting the exact same way.

Social conventions and education can help you appeal to a bigger demographic, but, let's face it, nobody can be liked by everyone. People will dislike you no matter how hard you try, how kind or generous you try to be. I remember accepting this fact when I was 16 years old. Some people don't ever accept it, and others thrive for unacceptance, joining that way a different demographic of acceptance.

I don't struggle to be accepted, because I don't really try. I think I'm not a bad guy, a jerk, or a pathetic piece of scum. I do question those things about myself, since I can, accidentally, act like one, and I don't think that avoiding those thoughts can be healthy, the same way that I think that religion, God, or even Love must be questioned. I don't need to be accepted by everybody. I won't try to be accepted by most, even. There's only a few people who I would fight for in order to be accepted. And those are the people who I like to call friends. I have hurt a few friends in my time, sadly. And I have, always, managed to explain myself well enough so that they can understand. And luckily, they have never disappointed me. I'm proud of those people, really proud.

I will not pretend to be as naïve as to think that we don't need to accept ourselves first, or to think that we need to be accepted by anybody at all to live happily. But sometimes -very rare times in my case-, being accepted by somebody can mean the difference between happiness and "just another day".

Some of you 2 readers might be thinking "does this guy have a point?" My answer: Yes.

Don't judge me, you're the ones who read all through my crap.

Idle Hands

Today I received a text from Nemesis, asking me if I was ok. I am not. We met up and skyped for a few minutes. We decided to stop talking today.

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, as they say. And yesterday my hands were extremely idle. I pretty much used them to torture myself over every little thing that could bug me. Everything that could hurt about the Viking, I took. Everything that could hurt me about Nemesis, I kept. Everything that I hated about me, I did, thought, chewed and swallowed. And then, no vent, no escape, no buffer, no release. Up to a moment when I probably wouldn't have cared about anything anymore, that lasted until today, for now, and consumed every possible chance of letting all that crap go.

I hate it that I did this to myself. I am not like this, and I sure as hell don't want to.

Today Nemesis wanted to cheer me up a little, and I didn't let her; I brought her down with me. And now I am relieved, because I hate me enough for that. Enough to feel something, at last. Even if it is the sickening feeling of contempt and loathing towards myself.

I'm really sorry, Nemesis. You didn't deserve that. If anybody can understand me now, that's you.

Nothing.

Although I did want to do something, I have stayed at home all day today. I've been doing... not much. It's 23:37 and I have had 2 yogurts for merienda. No lunch. No breakfast. No drinks. I have taken a shower, and I have played the piano for a while, but not even an entire piece. I haven't watched a movie, or read a single line of anything that wasn't inside a screen. I haven't thought about work, or plans, or love, or... nothing. I have talked to 2 people in the entire day; Nemesis (happy birthday) and SerBassIm. Nobody called, nobody texted, nothing really has happened today. And almost all the nothing I've done today was Nemesis' related. I've spent hours doing a lot of nothing for her, about her.

I ordered a pizza an hour and a few minutes ago and it hasn't arrived yet. Today Real Madrid is playing against Barcelona; this game is usually an event. People get together and watch it with beers at some bar, or stay at home and have dinner and drinks in front of the TV. It's kind of like the Superbowl in the states. If you're not into football, you can go pretty much anywhere, because you can get a table easily.

And yet, this day is failing me. I am feeling quite "meh" about everything. I just watched an episode from some comedy and I doubt I have gotten any close to smiling. I've spent part of my day thinking about Nemesis, and all I feel is... not love. I feel like she's playing with me. And I know she isn't, but it's hard to pretend that you are sure that she's not punishing me because of what I did to her; not because she wants to, but because maybe she thinks she should.

Maybe it's the nothingness talking. It has taken over the rest of my day, after all.

The pizza finally arrived, an hour and 20 minutes after I ordered it. Now I'm gonna watch a movie that Nemesis recommended. I don't know if that counts or not. I don't know if I want to watch it, or if I want to eat this pizza. Everything's finally ready to do something, and I don't know if I want to do it. Maybe Nemesis feels the same way.

Repressing again.

*sighs*

Closes window.

unHoly Week

5 days of crazy. Well, not really.

Sometimes you allow yourself to think beyond your usual self, and most of the times it scares the hell out of you to think about acting on it, instead of disregarding it as crazy, absurd, or unrealistic. But then again, those things sometimes might be the right choice.

They were 5 days with Nemesis, and almost 2 just getting there and back. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

I spent most of the time on the plane from Amsterdam to Manila thinking about how happy it made me to be able to do what I was doing, and thinking about what to expect. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't, most of the times I had to refrain myself from thinking about it because... well, because it could go wrong, right?

Well, the worse that could happen was that we didn't click, that we didn't work, that the 'spark' wasn't there. So "be calm", and let the fates decide.

She picked me up at the airport, but you already know about that.

Everything clicked, all the sparks were there, and everything seemed to work. We spent as much time as we could with each other, and we couldn't deny that we still are good together.

We laughed a lot, we cried a little, we tied some knots, recorded some memories and had a killer time. All quite unHoly, as expected, not as planned. We ARE an ex-JC and his Nemesis after all, diba?

I learned about me, about her, about the Viking, about old friends, about new ones. I drove an automatic car for the first time. We barely ate, we listened to old favorites, and we missed each other in advance. We said things we couldn't say before.



A lot and very little happened during those 5 days. Fair, finally, is fair.
I'll talk to you in a month, if we can wait that long.

Advice

Me: I've never been heartbroken. Any advice you'd like to offer?
Nemesis: Get used to it.