:|

Math

Two weeks. Two weeks since the 18th, when I got that message:

2 x 7 days so she can make up her mind, so she can choose.
2 x 7 = Nemesis' happiness = N

2 x 7 - x

x = 24h of screaming and yelling + sleepless nights + Friday video+ a silent weekend +(2 days of digesting)/(Viking+Me) = 5 days

2 x 7 - 5 = 9 days

9 days for Nemesis to find out where her happiness is.

9 days = 3 work days + weekend + 4 work days = N(t)

When:


9 days to find N
9 days to break a heart, or 2.
9 days to give up.


Oh, and, incidentally:

March 18th + 2 x 7...


That's right. Happy April Fool's day.
I hope that the joke isn't on N. Wish us luck.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

Doubt and tell

I have finally been able to calm down as much as I can after the latest incident. I have had dinner with JMercury and his mother, who is, not by chance, my honorary mother, and she has given me some insight about all this... situation.

She has suggested that the healthiest thing to do in this situation would be for Nemesis to tell the Viking. It's making this issue way more complicated, and it's going to be messy in the end. Things should be told right from the start, as history has taught us.


Of course, as the scared idiot I am, I suggested that might not be a good idea; why should he suffer for the doubts Nemesis is having?

And of course again, reason does rise above our fears: we're all suffering already from this. Why should we (Nemesis and I) be acting like children doing something wrong? The doubt IS real, after all. Is she going to be able to make a decision while acting in front of the Viking (and some others) as if this wasn't happening? If she chooses me, is she going to be able to tell the Viking that she has been thinking about it for weeks, months? Isn't their relationship already getting hurt by this?

In a nutshell: "Right. We're doing it wrong". The Viking doesn't deserve to be in the dark. We all deserve to be loved fully and without doubts. This is the purpose of all of this, right?

How could I tell Nemesis to do this? I suggested it once, but it IS her decision. I could email the Viking and suggest a Gentlemen's agreement on this. At least things would be clearer for everyone...

One day later, talking to Nemesis, she told me she thinks the same thing. She just has to figure out the how and the when. She's scared that the Viking will freak out.

I don't want her relationship to be more affected by this than it should. I hope the Viking will understand that this, painful as it is, is for the best. I hope Nemesis won't be heartbroken again. I hope this won't end up in a rushed decision, and I trust Nemesis to do the right thing; I know she sometimes struggles to do what it's right, but I also know she really wants to. She's just scared, sometimes. Aren't we all?


"Hoping and wishing will do us no good. If we cannot act on our hopes, fight our fears, and allow us to do the unexpected, we're not worthy of being happy."

Thoughts

It's funny how minds work.

I know I love Nemesis. And yet, sometimes I hear voices in my head (not literally guys, don't worry) that tell me things such as:

- This is way too painful. Just forget about it; you know you can be happy without her.
- Love should be easy; if this isn't, it's not love.
- Are you really sure you want to drop everything just for a girl? Isn't that a bit... insane?
- Is that who you want to be? An irresponsible, impulsive, exposed guy that just leaves everybody for a girl that could break you like a toothpick?

...and many, many more. I wipe those thoughts out with one simple statement: I know I love her, and I won't be happy if I don't try being with her. Don't you Vampires get in the way of my happiness, motherf***ers!

Since I'm FINALLY saying what I feel, I gotta say this: I feel weird. I feel weird saying things like "I love you", or "no, I don't really consider you my friend; you're nice and all, but..." Those things bother me. It takes an effort to say what you feel. I'm overcoming that effort, since the problem was mine.

But Nemesis has never said "I love you too". Does that mean that she doesn't? Or just that she doesn't know? Someone said today "If you don't know, then it's not love". Do any of you 2 readers think that's true?