Fine

For the past week, conversations with Nemesis have gone from sweet, to pretty useless. I know she's not feeling too well, due to some stupid hormones combined with waiting, insecurities, and an LDR. I've been trying to help her in many ways: distracting her, trying to talk about it, rationalizing it, giving her space, psychoanalizing it, giving her my insight, trying to empathize, attempting to get her to go out and meet some friends to get some perspective... The results? All those conversations ended up way worse than they started. She's consistently told me that I don't get her, that I suck as a boyfriend, that I suck on many levels at making her feel any better, and that "the fact that  someone less important can make [her] feel better yet [I] can't" is bothering her.

Apparently I have to know how she feels without her telling me, not being able to see her (she didn't want to skype), while having her throw punches like those every 5 lines, dealing with her passive-aggressive crap, and feeling like I am an idiot who's doing everything he possibly can to be with a person that apparently thinks I'm a stupid, inept excuse of a pseudo-boyfriend.

Well, that's kind of hard isn't it? I bet that "someone less important" (whatever that means) who can make her feel better is actually able to see what she's going through. Every freaking time I've talked to her, it has ended up in me feeling like a worthless idiot, and her feeling annoyed at me. And yet, if I don't talk to her, she thinks I'm not doing it right, since I should keep trying and trying until I eventually get it, or else I'm just a lousy boyfriend. Oh, but wait! I ALREADY AM, AREN'T I? So, maybe, to be practical, I should say "fuck this shit": If I talk to her, she gets annoyed, and I feel like crap, stupid and angry; If I don't talk to her, I feel like crap, and she thinks I'm a lame boyfriend. So the only thing I need to assess is if having her think that I'm a lame boyfriend is worse than feeling stupid, angry, and having her annoyed instead... Hmm...

Dear Nemesis, I was having a really decent weekend until I talked to you today. So guess what? YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. Or are you the only one who has any right to feel bad? At least when you're feeling ok, I don't fuck it up for you just because I feel bad. And I certainly don't do that for an entire week. I haven't gotten a nice word from you in a long time. I am trying to make you feel better, but you just won't let me. If I'm having a bad day, I LET YOU help me. Today, after talking for a while, you said "FYI, none of  what you said made me feel any bit better. Just so you know. I don't... feel it to be true." Well, that is your fault, Nemesis. Because everything I said was, indeed, true. You just refuse to accept it. But it's ok, right? As you said, it's your shit.

It always begins like this:

Me: Good morning! How're you feeling?

Nemesis: I'm fine.

I'm getting tired of all the "fines", "shrugs", "rights", "mehs"...

Next time you talk to me, don't forget that fine isn't the same as F.I.N.E.

Dreams come true

I haven't been sleeping well lately; I have trouble going to bed, and also, for obvious reasons, getting out of it. This has been happening all my life, don't worry. But today I didn't feel like going to the gym, so I laid on top of my bed, with a book in my hand instead. I hadn't opened it yet, and I was already asleep.

I heard a sound, or felt a vibration... can't remember which, but I sat on the edge of my bed and saw this message on my Twitter account, coming from Nemesis:



I had received it also as a text message. That made me smile, and exhale. It made me feel like everything was fine. Better than fine. We might be having a bad day, but it's all good now, we understand, we...

And then I opened my eyes to a blurry spine, to the side of my bed, to reality. I never received that message. We're still in the middle of this stupid drama; a mix between hormones, fear, and a lack of understanding. I checked, half asleep, her latest tweets: something about her parking space, one about punching walls or balls, and one calling me "nakakainis", "tanga".

Great.

I don't know if this whole thing is sinking in for her now or if she's having a bad day, or what. What I do know is that I am about to leave everything behind for a person that, at least sometimes, considers me an annoying idiot. I calm down, and I understand that she's not having a good day, and I... well, repress my wanting to talk about whatever the hell it is that's making her act that way. I give her space, and I wait. Maybe not without feeling guilty, without feeling like all those things she's thinking I am at this very moment.

Did we feel more for each other when the whole decision, the drama, was hanging over our heads? Is this how we know that the "honeymoon period" is over? She's been saying that these are going to be the longest 2 months ever. Maybe that's true for her, but it's not for me. I miss her, and I'd love to be with her this very moment, but waiting for something to arrive isn't half as bad if you know it IS going to arrive. Or maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she's having second thoughts. Maybe that's her way of torturing herself, I don't know. If that's what's going on, I guess she should know that I am joining in on her own personal home-made torture. That's the funny thing about couples: If one's pissed, the other has no other choice but to feel guilty, hurt, pissed back, or a combination of all three.

For now, I'll just have to try and go back to sleep, and hope that reality feels a bit more like that dream this time.

0

Maybe a bit late with all these thoughts, but I'm gonna make this post a rant that's, I think, necessary. And yes, I'm pissed off right now. I hope it'll help me vent.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm begging for someone to let me into her life. I am not losing my self respect; I know I have a low self esteem and all that, and I'm fine with that, because that just means I have quite a threshold  before you can actually hurt me. But we're getting there. I'm starting to feel hurt in that way. The little self respect that I wish to keep is starting to resent a few things, and maybe we're just playing, but people get hurt like that all the time.



I am sick of being "the guy that left 2 years ago". That should stop  already. It was funny for a while, but not anymore. I should remind  Nemesis that she wasn't told to wait for me these 2 years. I didn't tell  her that I was thinking about going back for her, that I loved her, and  that we could be together if she just waits for another 2 weeks, another month, another 10 days... for 2 years. I am not "fucking away my pain"  while I wait either, or starting new relationships with those "fuck buddies". So do NOT compare my wait with her wait, because it is  nothing of the sort. I will not be guilty-ed into that, because it will  do me no good. And if she says yes, that will make one third of "us"  unhappy.

I am sick of waiting. The very few who have been reading my posts  from the beginning probably have seen how all this is making me feel  worthless. All the ups and downs are pretty much killing me up to a  point where even the stable "middles" are teeth clenching at best. Of  course my friends are getting sick of this shit! My life is revolving  around this whole issue that is being delayed and delayed, and  "deadlined", and dropped, and "re-deadlined" again. They have seen me  devastated, numb and trying my best to hold my shit together for months,  while I actually wait.

If Nemesis says yes, there will be stuff (a lot) that we will just have to drop. Or else this whole thing, this "us" is doomed.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

I beg your pardon?

Lately I've been trying to say what's going on with me. Basically because I've spent way too long without expressing my (for lack of a better word) feelings, and it has all exploded in my very face. I have been saying it to my friends and family (the latter were shocked) and, on a different level, I've been saying stuff in facebook, Twitter, and here.

Yesterday I woke up early in the morning and posted the following on Facebook:

Ed just awoke from a dream where he had gone back to the Philippines.

Only to find this post today:

The Viking just awoke from a dream where it was time for pathetic people to stop being pathetic, pull themselves together and move on already.

Excuse me?!!! I think you're a decent guy and all; you put up with my shit that night, and I truly appreciated that. But who the hell do you think you are calling me "pathetic"? From what I know, YOU went back to the Philippines without even a place to stay, YOU crashed at Nemesis' for the longest time although she told you she needed the space and didn't want you there, YOU were about to move out but didn't when I was there because YOU felt afraid that she might leave you for this "pathetic" guy YOU're obviously still afraid of.

Sorry for trying to do the right thing and not be like you: carelessly fucking everything that moves, carelessly spreading your diseases to the people I love, carelessly moving to a different country without even planning what you will do there.

That post was NOT cool. It didn't even affect you. It didn't even say anything about Nemesis, or you. I think you've shown how insecure you are about me and Nemesis with that little post.

One of the big things that is bugging me about going back is you, Viking. I picture myself in your position and I feel really bad. But guess what? That BS you pulled there is slowly changing my mind about that. I can give Nemesis a better life than you could. And if she hasn't moved on, maybe it's for a reason. And if I haven't moved on, maybe it's for a reason. Maybe YOU should deal with that.

Who's the pathetic one? The one who lost the girl and is struggling to determine if he can retrace his steps so he can be happy, or the guy who has that girl right now and STILL feels so scared about the other guy that has to post insensitive comments on facebook to reassure himself?

When you fell for her, she wanted you to fall so she could break your heart afterwards, because of what you had done to her. That was her plan. After reading your post... I kinda want her plan to come true, and I sure would be glad as hell to help.