I'm sick of feeling like I'm begging for someone to let me into her life. I am not losing my self respect; I know I have a low self esteem and all that, and I'm fine with that, because that just means I have quite a threshold before you can actually hurt me. But we're getting there. I'm starting to feel hurt in that way. The little self respect that I wish to keep is starting to resent a few things, and maybe we're just playing, but people get hurt like that all the time.
I am sick of being "the guy that left 2 years ago". That should stop already. It was funny for a while, but not anymore. I should remind Nemesis that she wasn't told to wait for me these 2 years. I didn't tell her that I was thinking about going back for her, that I loved her, and that we could be together if she just waits for another 2 weeks, another month, another 10 days... for 2 years. I am not "fucking away my pain" while I wait either, or starting new relationships with those "fuck buddies". So do NOT compare my wait with her wait, because it is nothing of the sort. I will not be guilty-ed into that, because it will do me no good. And if she says yes, that will make one third of "us" unhappy.
I am sick of waiting. The very few who have been reading my posts from the beginning probably have seen how all this is making me feel worthless. All the ups and downs are pretty much killing me up to a point where even the stable "middles" are teeth clenching at best. Of course my friends are getting sick of this shit! My life is revolving around this whole issue that is being delayed and delayed, and "deadlined", and dropped, and "re-deadlined" again. They have seen me devastated, numb and trying my best to hold my shit together for months, while I actually wait.
If Nemesis says yes, there will be stuff (a lot) that we will just have to drop. Or else this whole thing, this "us" is doomed.
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