Fine

For the past week, conversations with Nemesis have gone from sweet, to pretty useless. I know she's not feeling too well, due to some stupid hormones combined with waiting, insecurities, and an LDR. I've been trying to help her in many ways: distracting her, trying to talk about it, rationalizing it, giving her space, psychoanalizing it, giving her my insight, trying to empathize, attempting to get her to go out and meet some friends to get some perspective... The results? All those conversations ended up way worse than they started. She's consistently told me that I don't get her, that I suck as a boyfriend, that I suck on many levels at making her feel any better, and that "the fact that  someone less important can make [her] feel better yet [I] can't" is bothering her.

Apparently I have to know how she feels without her telling me, not being able to see her (she didn't want to skype), while having her throw punches like those every 5 lines, dealing with her passive-aggressive crap, and feeling like I am an idiot who's doing everything he possibly can to be with a person that apparently thinks I'm a stupid, inept excuse of a pseudo-boyfriend.

Well, that's kind of hard isn't it? I bet that "someone less important" (whatever that means) who can make her feel better is actually able to see what she's going through. Every freaking time I've talked to her, it has ended up in me feeling like a worthless idiot, and her feeling annoyed at me. And yet, if I don't talk to her, she thinks I'm not doing it right, since I should keep trying and trying until I eventually get it, or else I'm just a lousy boyfriend. Oh, but wait! I ALREADY AM, AREN'T I? So, maybe, to be practical, I should say "fuck this shit": If I talk to her, she gets annoyed, and I feel like crap, stupid and angry; If I don't talk to her, I feel like crap, and she thinks I'm a lame boyfriend. So the only thing I need to assess is if having her think that I'm a lame boyfriend is worse than feeling stupid, angry, and having her annoyed instead... Hmm...

Dear Nemesis, I was having a really decent weekend until I talked to you today. So guess what? YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. Or are you the only one who has any right to feel bad? At least when you're feeling ok, I don't fuck it up for you just because I feel bad. And I certainly don't do that for an entire week. I haven't gotten a nice word from you in a long time. I am trying to make you feel better, but you just won't let me. If I'm having a bad day, I LET YOU help me. Today, after talking for a while, you said "FYI, none of  what you said made me feel any bit better. Just so you know. I don't... feel it to be true." Well, that is your fault, Nemesis. Because everything I said was, indeed, true. You just refuse to accept it. But it's ok, right? As you said, it's your shit.

It always begins like this:

Me: Good morning! How're you feeling?

Nemesis: I'm fine.

I'm getting tired of all the "fines", "shrugs", "rights", "mehs"...

Next time you talk to me, don't forget that fine isn't the same as F.I.N.E.