Insufficient data

When expectations are too high, you are most likely to get disappointed.

Nemesis and the Viking broke up. The 2 week period did not last 7 days. And then Nemesis told me that, as he had suggested, we shouldn't talk for a month. That goes for all; him an her, me and her.

Fair is fair, she said, we shouldn't talk either. But fairness isn't a part of this, it never was. During one of our Skype conversations, one that was supposed to break us up for a month, I ended up suggesting that I go there and spend Holy week together. Her smile was enough to do it. A couple of calls and I was almost packing. It's just 5 days or so, but I really wanted to see her, to be with her, to know if this whole thing was real. The worst thing that could happen was that I went there and we didn't click, right? Nemesis asked her closest friends for a vote in the matter, and most of them agreed that I should come. And so I did.




I barely told anybody (sorry, guys, I sincerely apologize), but I guess I didn't keep it quiet enough. The few people who knew (mainly Nemesis' closes friends), or the things I said/posted must have been enough for the Viking to know. He had another talk with Nemesis, saying that it WAS an actual break up now, whatever that means.

Nemesis picked me up at the airport, and we went to have some brunch. We talked, we laughed, I blamed the jet lag for my bad jokes, and she took me to my hotel. And God, she's still... her.

That same night, we went to meet Nemesis' friends. It was a fun night, and I was partly scared, partly excited about the grilling that was destined to occur. But nothing much really happened during dinner, really. They asked me why I was there, and I explained, basically. And then, after dinner, Nemesis' Brain arrived. And that's when the whole thing got harder.

She asked me in English a lot of questions, and explained a few things. Then she talked to Nemesis in Filipino, not noticing that I was going through a hard time doubting about what all the "Viking", "Spaniard", etc was about. "It's ok", I thought to myself. Then we talked some more, and the conversation started going a bit gentler on me at the end. The verdict? "Insufficient data". There's not enough information about me to know if I could be the best candidate for Nemesis. Breaking up and getting back up again is hard, and it takes a lot out of you, and in Nemesis' case, maybe a bit too much, as she's gone through quite a few intense ones. Is the risk worth her life? The only thing in my favor is that Nemesis loves me.

As I write these lines, she's sleeping behind me, after spending most of yesterday in my bed and a few hours with her daughter. I think I've slept barely 3 hours today, and all that I can think of is that I don't know what will happen. I know I love Mara, and I wish I could be with her, but the Brain was right, we don't know if I'll be with Nemesis forever, or if it won't work out because I'm not ready to be in a serious, adult relationship. I'm a gamble. And the data isn't enough to know the odds.

:|

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm going a bit out of my mind these days.

Apparently, the only thing that has changed in the entire situation is that now there's a deadline. The Viking is still living in Nemesis' house, and, according to her, she could use more space on that side of her life. She only has one weekend to actually think about it, and I bet the Viking won't let her be unless Nemesis really asks him to. And he probably would not leave without a couple of punches below the belt as a signature move.

I have offered Nemesis that she chooses a resort of her liking so she can think about all of this. Of course, she said no. And as always, I told her that my offer still stands.

I've been trying to do... stuff. To keep my mind busy. I've been going to the movies, shopping, doing chores, finding, buying, ordering, and trying to get some things I wanted to send Nemesis, and envelopes or boxes for them (it sounds silly, but one of the things needs a freaking huge envelope! - had to make it myself)... And blogging. Well, you know about that.



And then today, my brother called me and, after asking me how everything was going (I guess my brother hasn't gotten sick of the whole issue yet), pointed out one of the big disadvantages of my situation:

"Why aren't you there already? If Nemesis is trying to decide between a guy who's there, and the idea of a guy who's talking to her through the internet... "



He even offered to pay for the flight. Everybody's so happy to see me like this, to see me... well, in love. They don't see that often (that means never). And I can't help but think that I'm just a ghost competing against real, living humans. It doesn't matter how fast I run, I will never be able to hold a medal.

And so, here lies the question: Should I just go there? When? Is it any good if I go there to visit after the two week period is over? Should I just go there for the weekend? Or should I stay and hope for Nemesis to make her choice?

Math

Two weeks. Two weeks since the 18th, when I got that message:

2 x 7 days so she can make up her mind, so she can choose.
2 x 7 = Nemesis' happiness = N

2 x 7 - x

x = 24h of screaming and yelling + sleepless nights + Friday video+ a silent weekend +(2 days of digesting)/(Viking+Me) = 5 days

2 x 7 - 5 = 9 days

9 days for Nemesis to find out where her happiness is.

9 days = 3 work days + weekend + 4 work days = N(t)

When:


9 days to find N
9 days to break a heart, or 2.
9 days to give up.


Oh, and, incidentally:

March 18th + 2 x 7...


That's right. Happy April Fool's day.
I hope that the joke isn't on N. Wish us luck.

Good times, bad times

Some days are good.

Friday was good. Nemesis was pretty fucked up after telling the Viking, and, after a while, we had a video chat. She was feeling really awful about it; imagine telling your boyfriend that you're having doubts for almost 24 hours starting at 4 a.m. After a few minutes of both of us feeling like crap about the whole thing, I decided to get Nemesis' mind off the issue and try to make her feel less miserable. There's plenty of misery in her life already. After a few hours, she was saying that her face hurt from smiling that much. How can one not feel happy about that?

Today, however, wasn't that good.

There isn't a real reason for it. Nemesis and I talked, she was feeling tired, then numb, then aggressive... And I was feeling scared. All the time. Still, I tried to make her feel better, because I know she's having it way worse than me. Sometimes, every line you say makes you feel like more and more of an idiot. You don't really need to say anything stupid; it's just you: something inside you is telling you that you're not worthy, that you aren't gonna achieve what you'd like to achieve, and that you're going to end up looking like a fool, friendless, loveless, and devastated. And you, stupid as you are, will fight that feeling, and lose.

Now I feel depressed. And all I want to do is pay tribute to the Gods of Beer and ask them to change my mood or numb me for a while.



Wish me luck. In a few hours, a new day will come.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

Friendship

[At the car, JMercury drives, I look out the window]

JMercury: I'm happy because Ms Vermont texted me something cute at last.
Me: ...
JMercury: I know you don't give a shit, but could you pretend that you do?
Me: sorry, I wasn't listening... *chuckles*
JMercury: *shakes head*