Hostage

I GoT SoMeTHinG YoU wAnt. 

MeEt ME iN mAnILa in 27 DaYS. 

DoN'T CalL ThE POliCIA oR NO DeaL.  

PLus, THey'lL ThINk YOu'Re WEird.

Picture taken on Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The real story:

The other day (yesterday morning), I was going through my t-shirts and I bumped into a pseudo-familiar one. Definitely not mine, but... Wait! Isn't this Nemesis'? Nah... it can't be. I would have seen it months ago, right? Plus, why would I have it? She hasn't given it to me, and if she had, I'd have remembered. It must be my "wife's". So I give it to my wife but she says it's not hers. Many questions went into my head: WTF? Why do I have Nemesis' shirt?? And most importantly, why has it been washed clean?? Does it smell like her still?? Ngah...

So I did what any decent guy would do with a shirt that doesn't belong to him.

There, that should keep it company.

I hate...

…that I’m not more experienced at this boyfriend stuff.
…that I don’t know how to compartmentalize better.
…that you’ve chose to disappear from my reach today.
…that every ding, or beep that my computer does, I need to check if it’s you, saying something terrible or something great.
…that both things could make me feel worse.
…that I’m this insecure.
…that I sometimes can’t get over my own pain to help you with yours.
…that when I do, I don’t seem to help at all.
…that you use my moments of weakness to not trust me.
…that sometimes you don’t believe me.
…that I’m trying but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better.
…that I have to blog about it because telling just one person feels too intimate.
...that I'm not there with you now.
…thinking that I might not be good enough.

Take a deep breath... hold it...

As you may have noticed from yesterday's post, my mood's not the greatest due to some Nemesis-related events. We're still 30 days apart from each other, and that is taking a huge effort from both of us. I guess I was being less affected by it since, well, I have lots of things to do, and each of those things, although don't bring me closer to her geographically speaking, are necessary steps towards her. And also, they keep my mind occupied enough to not think constantly about how extenuatingly long it's taking for us to finally be together.

Although I think I know what's bothering Nemesis, I can't really do much to comfort her. She wants to be comforted, but I just can't do it, since each line of our chats is just another confirmation of me being here, and not there. She doesn't want solutions to her state, or explanations, or anything of that sort; she doesn't even want me to relate. She wants me, there. And we're still 30 days away from that; 30 long, terrible days. Different but the same for each.

It'll be a while before I get there. We're gonna have to learn how to live like this before we can exhale.

Fine

For the past week, conversations with Nemesis have gone from sweet, to pretty useless. I know she's not feeling too well, due to some stupid hormones combined with waiting, insecurities, and an LDR. I've been trying to help her in many ways: distracting her, trying to talk about it, rationalizing it, giving her space, psychoanalizing it, giving her my insight, trying to empathize, attempting to get her to go out and meet some friends to get some perspective... The results? All those conversations ended up way worse than they started. She's consistently told me that I don't get her, that I suck as a boyfriend, that I suck on many levels at making her feel any better, and that "the fact that  someone less important can make [her] feel better yet [I] can't" is bothering her.

Apparently I have to know how she feels without her telling me, not being able to see her (she didn't want to skype), while having her throw punches like those every 5 lines, dealing with her passive-aggressive crap, and feeling like I am an idiot who's doing everything he possibly can to be with a person that apparently thinks I'm a stupid, inept excuse of a pseudo-boyfriend.

Well, that's kind of hard isn't it? I bet that "someone less important" (whatever that means) who can make her feel better is actually able to see what she's going through. Every freaking time I've talked to her, it has ended up in me feeling like a worthless idiot, and her feeling annoyed at me. And yet, if I don't talk to her, she thinks I'm not doing it right, since I should keep trying and trying until I eventually get it, or else I'm just a lousy boyfriend. Oh, but wait! I ALREADY AM, AREN'T I? So, maybe, to be practical, I should say "fuck this shit": If I talk to her, she gets annoyed, and I feel like crap, stupid and angry; If I don't talk to her, I feel like crap, and she thinks I'm a lame boyfriend. So the only thing I need to assess is if having her think that I'm a lame boyfriend is worse than feeling stupid, angry, and having her annoyed instead... Hmm...

Dear Nemesis, I was having a really decent weekend until I talked to you today. So guess what? YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. Or are you the only one who has any right to feel bad? At least when you're feeling ok, I don't fuck it up for you just because I feel bad. And I certainly don't do that for an entire week. I haven't gotten a nice word from you in a long time. I am trying to make you feel better, but you just won't let me. If I'm having a bad day, I LET YOU help me. Today, after talking for a while, you said "FYI, none of  what you said made me feel any bit better. Just so you know. I don't... feel it to be true." Well, that is your fault, Nemesis. Because everything I said was, indeed, true. You just refuse to accept it. But it's ok, right? As you said, it's your shit.

It always begins like this:

Me: Good morning! How're you feeling?

Nemesis: I'm fine.

I'm getting tired of all the "fines", "shrugs", "rights", "mehs"...

Next time you talk to me, don't forget that fine isn't the same as F.I.N.E.

10 semi-random thoughts

1.- Sometimes trying to help doesn't help.
2.- When you got stuff on your plate, maybe it's best that you finish your serving by yourself, instead of helping others with theirs.
3.- Wait until you're invited? When does assertion become intrusion?
4.- I spend too much time thinking about things that don't help.
5.- Thoughts aren't real for anyone but you.

6.- The greatest mistakes are, sometimes, a result of a great potential gain, and, as such, they are never the former.
7.- We only feel our own, be careful to not disregard or even compare others' pain to yours, for they won't ever be the same.
8.- Waiting can be hard.
9.- Set a deadline or it won't get done.
10.- Regret and hope are inverse concepts; both can help you measure, but they're only tools, not ends.

Endings

I have finally told my bosses, and now most of the people in my company know that I'm leaving. I am trying to get a job (wouldn't it be great if I moved there with an actual income?), since I'll be pretty much unemployed for the 1st time in... 7 years or so. Damn, that's a long time. My bosses took it pretty well, and I'm happy to say that they've told me they will be there for anything that I might need. Just with that, they're helping already. I guess they don't hate me that much ofter all! Or maybe they're just trying to get me to stay as far from them as possible, haha!

Anyway, now I'm trying to find a place to stay, that may vary if/when I get a job. Thankfully I have Nemesis helping me with that. Nemesis will check out an apartment soon that could be pretty good for me if I don't get a job. If I do, that apartment will be good too, but I may be able to move to a bigger one without thinking about how my bank account is just taking loss after loss. And yes, I can lose money for a while and be ok, but I... well, I don't want to, basically. Also, I guess I like to work; I feel the need to get up every morning and do something productive, what can I say?

There's pressure and a sense of hurrying, and numbers to crunch, and fingers to cross, and... basically lots of things to do. I'm trying to finalize every project that I am handling now, trying to make a smooth leave from my job into unemployment, leaving every knot tied as hard as possible. This is the end of a chapter in my life, and turning a page is pretty exhausting, I guess this chapter was way too long already.

I really need some rest. I'm collapsing A LOT. Last weekend I slept for 15 hours one night. That's... slightly more than what I sleep in 4 days. That's how tired I am. But, surprisingly, what REALLY leaves me rested is doing what I've always done. Going to a bar and grabbing a beer and some hotdogs and bacon burgers. Those things that I've been doing since I was 16, those things I can do out of inertia... THAT does it for me. The 15 hours? I guess doing those things also give me a sense of belonging that gives me peace of mind. Maybe the greatest goodbye is the one that doesn't feel different from any other.

Dreams come true

I haven't been sleeping well lately; I have trouble going to bed, and also, for obvious reasons, getting out of it. This has been happening all my life, don't worry. But today I didn't feel like going to the gym, so I laid on top of my bed, with a book in my hand instead. I hadn't opened it yet, and I was already asleep.

I heard a sound, or felt a vibration... can't remember which, but I sat on the edge of my bed and saw this message on my Twitter account, coming from Nemesis:



I had received it also as a text message. That made me smile, and exhale. It made me feel like everything was fine. Better than fine. We might be having a bad day, but it's all good now, we understand, we...

And then I opened my eyes to a blurry spine, to the side of my bed, to reality. I never received that message. We're still in the middle of this stupid drama; a mix between hormones, fear, and a lack of understanding. I checked, half asleep, her latest tweets: something about her parking space, one about punching walls or balls, and one calling me "nakakainis", "tanga".

Great.

I don't know if this whole thing is sinking in for her now or if she's having a bad day, or what. What I do know is that I am about to leave everything behind for a person that, at least sometimes, considers me an annoying idiot. I calm down, and I understand that she's not having a good day, and I... well, repress my wanting to talk about whatever the hell it is that's making her act that way. I give her space, and I wait. Maybe not without feeling guilty, without feeling like all those things she's thinking I am at this very moment.

Did we feel more for each other when the whole decision, the drama, was hanging over our heads? Is this how we know that the "honeymoon period" is over? She's been saying that these are going to be the longest 2 months ever. Maybe that's true for her, but it's not for me. I miss her, and I'd love to be with her this very moment, but waiting for something to arrive isn't half as bad if you know it IS going to arrive. Or maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she's having second thoughts. Maybe that's her way of torturing herself, I don't know. If that's what's going on, I guess she should know that I am joining in on her own personal home-made torture. That's the funny thing about couples: If one's pissed, the other has no other choice but to feel guilty, hurt, pissed back, or a combination of all three.

For now, I'll just have to try and go back to sleep, and hope that reality feels a bit more like that dream this time.