I just read a couple of my latest posts and think I should keep this in mind:
"If you fall asleep over the keyboard while writing a post, DO NOT just publish it when you wake up just so you can go to bed."
Also, JMercury (my other reader... the 1st one being me) told me that all my posts were kinda depressing. I mentioned to him that, as Fiona Apple once said, "why would I write about stuff when I'm feeling happy? I got nicer things to do when that happens! Should I just stop doing that so I can post a more peppy piece?" But OK, he's got a point.
I might try posting something that doesn't want to put a bullet in your my skull. But I said "might". And "try".
domingo, 28 de febrero de 2010
sábado, 27 de febrero de 2010
Quotes
It took me a second read to notice why this made my stomach twist:
"It's no use wasting what you've got on an ideal that they'll never let you reach. It's no use, taking that marvelous thing you have and making a torture rack for yourself out of it."
"It's no use wasting what you've got on an ideal that they'll never let you reach. It's no use, taking that marvelous thing you have and making a torture rack for yourself out of it."
-Henry Cameron to Howard Roark, from The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
viernes, 26 de febrero de 2010
Thoughts
It's funny how minds work.
I know I love Nemesis. And yet, sometimes I hear voices in my head (not literally guys, don't worry) that tell me things such as:
- This is way too painful. Just forget about it; you know you can be happy without her.
- Love should be easy; if this isn't, it's not love.
- Are you really sure you want to drop everything just for a girl? Isn't that a bit... insane?
- Is that who you want to be? An irresponsible, impulsive, exposed guy that just leaves everybody for a girl that could break you like a toothpick?
...and many, many more. I wipe those thoughts out with one simple statement: I know I love her, and I won't be happy if I don't try being with her. Don't you Vampires get in the way of my happiness, motherf***ers!
Since I'm FINALLY saying what I feel, I gotta say this: I feel weird. I feel weird saying things like "I love you", or "no, I don't really consider you my friend; you're nice and all, but..." Those things bother me. It takes an effort to say what you feel. I'm overcoming that effort, since the problem was mine.
But Nemesis has never said "I love you too". Does that mean that she doesn't? Or just that she doesn't know? Someone said today "If you don't know, then it's not love". Do any of you 2 readers think that's true?
Who am I?
Ever since I told Nemesis about my realization regarding my happiness, things have been... changing.
I'm putting Nemesis in a very critical situation, and I know that's gotta suck for her. Does she want to be the kind of girlfriend who dumps his boyfriend just because I, an ex-boyfriend who made her life miserable when I left, just realized that still love her 2 years later?
Do I want to be a guy who waltzes back into my ex's life and, realizing he had made a mistake leaving, decides that "now it's ok to steal a dude's girlfriend"?
I have never been like that. I was a very correct, polite, eager to please, and plan-following kind of person. I was selfless, and that was home. It's easy to please everybody when you're not in the picture. Problem avoidance wasn't hard, and doing "the right thing" and being honest at all times could keep me out of trouble for another 30 years, no doubt.
All of a sudden, I realize that I want to be happy, and that should be the priority. I can afford to be bold, and do and say things that are definitely shocking for anybody who had known me before "chapter 2", just because they're on the path of my happiness, and because I don't want to keep my feelings secret anymore. I can finally say "I love you" to Nemesis, and although this takes an effort on my account, I know it's true. It might screw her up that I say that, after all this time. She has never said it back to me...
I don't know if I'm becoming a nihilist, an objectivist, or a selfish asshole.
Your opinions are welcome.
I'm putting Nemesis in a very critical situation, and I know that's gotta suck for her. Does she want to be the kind of girlfriend who dumps his boyfriend just because I, an ex-boyfriend who made her life miserable when I left, just realized that still love her 2 years later?
Do I want to be a guy who waltzes back into my ex's life and, realizing he had made a mistake leaving, decides that "now it's ok to steal a dude's girlfriend"?
I have never been like that. I was a very correct, polite, eager to please, and plan-following kind of person. I was selfless, and that was home. It's easy to please everybody when you're not in the picture. Problem avoidance wasn't hard, and doing "the right thing" and being honest at all times could keep me out of trouble for another 30 years, no doubt.
All of a sudden, I realize that I want to be happy, and that should be the priority. I can afford to be bold, and do and say things that are definitely shocking for anybody who had known me before "chapter 2", just because they're on the path of my happiness, and because I don't want to keep my feelings secret anymore. I can finally say "I love you" to Nemesis, and although this takes an effort on my account, I know it's true. It might screw her up that I say that, after all this time. She has never said it back to me...
I don't know if I'm becoming a nihilist, an objectivist, or a selfish asshole.
Your opinions are welcome.
martes, 23 de febrero de 2010
Pissed.
Maybe it’s just that I haven’t slept well in a couple of days. Very uncomfortable dreams have been making my mornings harder than they should be. Yesterday I dreamed that Nemesis was sick. As in permanently sick. It woke me up at 4a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep. Today I dreamed that I finally snapped at my boss. I started saying everything I want to say in a very blunt, offensive way. Sad thing is, those two dreams are quite possible of coming true.
I am very pissed. I’m hating pretty much everything about me and the life I’ve created, about the stupid things around me that don’t matter and are still parading their mediocrity. Am I the only spectator who notices this? Maybe I’m the only one who wants to project this onto every little thing.
sábado, 20 de febrero de 2010
She loves me, she loves me not
It's not easy to deal with all of what's going on. On one hand, I feel like an ass for putting Nemesis through this; the easiest thing to do would have been to follow the plan and not talk to her in a couple of years, forget about each other as hard as we can and try to lock all of this feelings away.
On the other hand, I think this is a duel that we should go through.
I know I have a very small chance that Nemesis will say "yes". After all, I wasn't that good of a boyfriend to her: I didn't tell her that I loved her, and I always tried to keep some of my true feelings from her, so as to not make it hard for her when I left. And I did leave her. And I said many things to her so that she would move on from our relationship; she went through a lot because of me. Not to mention that I helped her lose a couple of good friends.
But I did love her, and I still do. It might not be perfectly clear to many, but I know that the deepest levels of myself just adore Nemesis.
In standard terms, I'm a fairly good catch. I might not be a member of the Kennedy's, but I would say I have at least a couple of redeeming qualities. Still, love has nothing to do with logic. I do not love Nemesis because of logical reasons; I guess that's why I hold her so dearly. There's no recipe for what I feel for her. She's not a compendium of my favorite qualities in a person, but there is something (somebody called it X-factor... thanks for making it sound cheap) that I very rarely find in anybody that just commands me to treasure her.
She's thinking about it. And, although I know this can only work out for the best, the tension is eating me up inside. I keep telling myself that whatever she chooses, as long as she's being honest to herself, will be a good thing.
If she chooses the Viking, that will reinforce their love, as well as kill their insecurities about their feelings. They will be better than before. I will be heartbroken (something that I deserve for repressing my feelings anyway) and I guess I'll learn to move on, and hopefully, someday, I will find someone that makes me feel what Nemesis made me feel. Or maybe I won't, and, since I'm not a guy who'd settle for this kind of thing, I will become one of those bitter men that can't stand looking at couples kissing in the park. Who knows. Maybe we would be friends again and that would be enough.
If she chooses me... Well, I'll start arranging my things so I can move there properly, with a house and a job and all that (I want to be able to give Nemesis the best life I can offer). But most importantly, if she chooses me, that will mean that she does love me back. And call me a romantic, but if she still loves me, that's because she isn't the Viking's "one true love", and I'm sure he'll find it in someone else.
Still, either "yes" or "no" terrify me. Well... mostly the latter.
In any case, I will have to wait for Nemesis' "sentence". I can't do anything but hope that she makes the right, honest, choice. That and take some pills before I get an ulcer in both my stomach and my brain.
On the other hand, I think this is a duel that we should go through.
I know I have a very small chance that Nemesis will say "yes". After all, I wasn't that good of a boyfriend to her: I didn't tell her that I loved her, and I always tried to keep some of my true feelings from her, so as to not make it hard for her when I left. And I did leave her. And I said many things to her so that she would move on from our relationship; she went through a lot because of me. Not to mention that I helped her lose a couple of good friends.
But I did love her, and I still do. It might not be perfectly clear to many, but I know that the deepest levels of myself just adore Nemesis.
In standard terms, I'm a fairly good catch. I might not be a member of the Kennedy's, but I would say I have at least a couple of redeeming qualities. Still, love has nothing to do with logic. I do not love Nemesis because of logical reasons; I guess that's why I hold her so dearly. There's no recipe for what I feel for her. She's not a compendium of my favorite qualities in a person, but there is something (somebody called it X-factor... thanks for making it sound cheap) that I very rarely find in anybody that just commands me to treasure her.
She's thinking about it. And, although I know this can only work out for the best, the tension is eating me up inside. I keep telling myself that whatever she chooses, as long as she's being honest to herself, will be a good thing.
If she chooses the Viking, that will reinforce their love, as well as kill their insecurities about their feelings. They will be better than before. I will be heartbroken (something that I deserve for repressing my feelings anyway) and I guess I'll learn to move on, and hopefully, someday, I will find someone that makes me feel what Nemesis made me feel. Or maybe I won't, and, since I'm not a guy who'd settle for this kind of thing, I will become one of those bitter men that can't stand looking at couples kissing in the park. Who knows. Maybe we would be friends again and that would be enough.
If she chooses me... Well, I'll start arranging my things so I can move there properly, with a house and a job and all that (I want to be able to give Nemesis the best life I can offer). But most importantly, if she chooses me, that will mean that she does love me back. And call me a romantic, but if she still loves me, that's because she isn't the Viking's "one true love", and I'm sure he'll find it in someone else.
Still, either "yes" or "no" terrify me. Well... mostly the latter.
In any case, I will have to wait for Nemesis' "sentence". I can't do anything but hope that she makes the right, honest, choice. That and take some pills before I get an ulcer in both my stomach and my brain.
viernes, 19 de febrero de 2010
Cougar
Today I went with JMercury to a concert; some friends were playing and that's what friends do whether they like it or not.
After the concert and a couple of failed introductions (a friend was going to introduce me to a couple of girls since I was the only single guy there - never happened), JMercury and I started talking about how some guys just sucked, and how we didn't.
It was then, over that discussion about how intellectual factors damaged the earliest stages of evolution's mating and courtship habits of the contemporaneous males, that a 'cougar' started glancing in our general direction.
Our eyes did unfortunately meet: hers, filled with expired seduction with a dash of alcoholism; mine, filled with awkwardness and disbelief in the form of an overly raised eyebrow. That didn't keep the cougar from trying to get JMercury and me to dance.
The things that would look cute in a 20-something year old girl, like acting as if she were sad when we politely declined her offer, aren't that cute anymore when you're well over 30 (as in mid forties). Just sayin'.
That didn't stop the predator though: she hugged JMercury from behind while she tried to look seductively to me. She did feel us a couple of times, running her hand down our chest and (luckily) stopping at our belts.
When I was about to pretend JMercury was my gay partner, he politely said that we weren't interested, and that we were discussing some important matters. She left then, but looked at us every now and then, reminding us that, when we least expected it, she might return.
If that's what women feel when guys try to "flirt" (yeah, do the finger thing) with them, I sincerely apologize on behalf of my gender. Please feel free to kindly let us know that you aren't interested using any of this sentences:
- What makes you think I'm within your reach?
- Sorry, I only talk to people I don't despise.
- If you were taller, cuter, wittier, and had a totally different DNA, maybe I'd think about it.
- The mere sight of you makes me feel nauseous, would you mind leaving?
Feel free to contribute to this small collection of sentences. Remember: being cruel and hurtful is not only good for you, it's good for the rest of the victims around you.
After the concert and a couple of failed introductions (a friend was going to introduce me to a couple of girls since I was the only single guy there - never happened), JMercury and I started talking about how some guys just sucked, and how we didn't.
It was then, over that discussion about how intellectual factors damaged the earliest stages of evolution's mating and courtship habits of the contemporaneous males, that a 'cougar' started glancing in our general direction.
Our eyes did unfortunately meet: hers, filled with expired seduction with a dash of alcoholism; mine, filled with awkwardness and disbelief in the form of an overly raised eyebrow. That didn't keep the cougar from trying to get JMercury and me to dance.
The things that would look cute in a 20-something year old girl, like acting as if she were sad when we politely declined her offer, aren't that cute anymore when you're well over 30 (as in mid forties). Just sayin'.
That didn't stop the predator though: she hugged JMercury from behind while she tried to look seductively to me. She did feel us a couple of times, running her hand down our chest and (luckily) stopping at our belts.
When I was about to pretend JMercury was my gay partner, he politely said that we weren't interested, and that we were discussing some important matters. She left then, but looked at us every now and then, reminding us that, when we least expected it, she might return.
If that's what women feel when guys try to "flirt" (yeah, do the finger thing) with them, I sincerely apologize on behalf of my gender. Please feel free to kindly let us know that you aren't interested using any of this sentences:
- What makes you think I'm within your reach?
- Sorry, I only talk to people I don't despise.
- If you were taller, cuter, wittier, and had a totally different DNA, maybe I'd think about it.
- The mere sight of you makes me feel nauseous, would you mind leaving?
Feel free to contribute to this small collection of sentences. Remember: being cruel and hurtful is not only good for you, it's good for the rest of the victims around you.
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