She loves me, she loves me not

It's not easy to deal with all of what's going on. On one hand, I feel like an ass for putting Nemesis through this; the easiest thing to do would have been to follow the plan and not talk to her in a couple of years, forget about each other as hard as we can and try to lock all of this feelings away.

On the other hand, I think this is a duel that we should go through.

I know I have a very small chance that Nemesis will say "yes". After all, I wasn't that good of a boyfriend to her: I didn't tell her that I loved her, and I always tried to keep some of my true feelings from her, so as to not make it hard for her when I left. And I did leave her. And I said many things to her so that she would move on from our relationship; she went through a lot because of me. Not to mention that I helped her lose a couple of good friends.

But I did love her, and I still do. It might not be perfectly clear to many, but I know that the deepest levels of myself just adore Nemesis.

In standard terms, I'm a fairly good catch. I might not be a member of the Kennedy's, but I would say I have at least a couple of redeeming qualities. Still, love has nothing to do with logic. I do not love Nemesis because of logical reasons; I guess that's why I hold her so dearly. There's no recipe for what I feel for her. She's not a compendium of my favorite qualities in a person, but there is something (somebody called it X-factor... thanks for making it sound cheap) that I very rarely find in anybody that just commands me to treasure her.

She's thinking about it. And, although I know this can only work out for the best, the tension is eating me up inside. I keep telling myself that whatever she chooses, as long as she's being honest to herself, will be a good thing.


If she chooses the Viking, that will reinforce their love, as well as kill their insecurities about their feelings. They will be better than before. I will be heartbroken (something that I deserve for repressing my feelings anyway) and I guess I'll learn to move on, and hopefully, someday, I will find someone that makes me feel what Nemesis made me feel. Or maybe I won't, and, since I'm not a guy who'd settle for this kind of thing, I will become one of those bitter men that can't stand looking at couples kissing in the park. Who knows. Maybe we would be friends again and that would be enough.

If she chooses me... Well, I'll start arranging my things so I can move there properly, with a house and a job and all that (I want to be able to give Nemesis the best life I can offer). But most importantly, if she chooses me, that will mean that she does love me back. And call me a romantic, but if she still loves me, that's because she isn't the Viking's "one true love", and I'm sure he'll find it in someone else.

Still, either "yes" or "no" terrify me. Well... mostly the latter.

In any case, I will have to wait for Nemesis' "sentence". I can't do anything but hope that she makes the right, honest, choice. That and take some pills before I get an ulcer in both my stomach and my brain.