OMW

These past days I haven't been posting much. You're welcome.

Basically I've been letting all this sink in, telling all the friends who bothered to ask (David hasn't yet, so maybe he doesn't know), and trying to figure out what to take, how, and all those things I mentioned on my earlier post. I have also set a date to leave.



I keep talking to Nemesis almost everyday, and I feel great about the whole thing. This is the greatest decision I have ever made, and actually making it happen is something refreshing, inspiring, and, well, still a bit scary. But what is a man to do when he has his answer right in front of him? Denying it, or pretending there isn't a question would be easy, but it would not be right. Maybe I've been reading Ayn Rand a bit too intensely.

Soon enough I'll be there. But as Nemesis said, "anything could happen it these 2 months". My first reaction would be to think about the bad things that could happen, but all those "bad things" would be just a result of my fears, and I've talked about those WAY too many times.

I still have to organize and arrange many things; fortunately, my mind isn't one of them.

And now

I finally have the answer from Nemesis. It made me really happy to finally have it and, at the same time, I have needed a couple of days to let it sink in.

First, I told a friend who IM'ed me out of "good vibes". Then, I told FavoriteCousin and JMercury, because they asked. After that, I've told a few more friends, and, a couple of hours ago, I told my parents. They were... having trouble understanding what I was saying. I told them that I finally had the confirmation from Nemesis, and that I would be leaving in a couple of months to see if we can make it as a couple. My father asked "so you have a job there, then?" I said "no". I told him that I was thinking about telling my bosses that I would be leaving in a couple of months, and that I would probably need a week of vacation fairly soon, in order to arrange some things (maybe take a trip with a couple of friends?). My father said "no, I think it's better that you don't tell them until you have a job there". I said "and what if I don't get a job there by the time I'm leaving?" I think he had trouble understanding the concept of me leaving, job or not. But anyway.

So I have to arrange some things now. I mean, I've told a few people, and soon everybody will know. And now what?



What do I bring? What do I leave behind? What about my job here? What about my job there? Where am I gonna live? What do I do with my car? And my friends? Probably a couple of farewell parties will be in order.

I'll be leaving by the end of June. My mom said "so you won't be here for your niece's birth?" I asked "When is she due?" "August." "Then no. Unless I come back to see her." Part of me was sad that I might not be here when Dr.Brother's daughter arrives, but I'm already delaying my trip almost an entire month, and things will continue happening, and confusing me, and I won't let them get in the way anymore.

The reason I'm writing all this is, well... partly because I was re-writing my CV and the Stupid M@##¢@÷∞¬#ing Word crashed and I needed some non-curricular (pun intended) activity. Partly because that's where I'm standing now, and because part 2 of this blog that you, my friends, are avoiding with all your heart's love, is about to begin. Hopefully all the drama and the emo crap will end now.

Wrapping my head around it

Don't Worry...

This 'one post a day' isn't gonna become a thing. But I have felt the need to set things straight now that my head isn't going crazy from all the pressure, deadlines, questions, waiting.

The worst thing about a war is not knowing what is really going on. I don't know what has been going on in Nemesis' life for the past 2 days. And I was supposed to, at least in my head. I've been waiting for something that has been evasive at best, and every time it has avoided me, I have had trouble swallowing the first few bites of the new situation. Luckily, at some point, perspective kicks in and I see things more clearly. And they get clearer and clearer every day... until the next deadline or change of plans, at least.

I'm gonna drop the ifs and the maybes for this one. Do I know what has happened? No. That concept is simple enough, right?

What I know is that Nemesis is facing a life-changing decision; not only for her, but for her daughter, and for me. I think she has, indeed, started walking down that path. And I know, because I've felt something similar recently, that asking anybody to do something they would never do if you didn't ask them can become quite a weight on your shoulders. This path can be quite a bitch, I tell you. When that happens, you have to deal with it in any way you can. Sometimes it involves getting smashed and regroup later, or cry for hours until exhaustion takes over and you can think about it with a steady mind. Or meeting some friends, talk about it, go home, be back on square one again, and then repeat until the cycle breaks and throws you (hopefully) on the right direction.

When I screwed up my knee and I was going to my first day of physical therapy, I remember thinking about how awful it was, that I screwed up my knee age 27, and had to have surgery, and that maybe it wouldn't be 100% fine again. And then I walked into the room: Some thirty something guy whose legs ended over the place where his knees where; a kid, barely in his twenties learning how to walk with articulated, metallic legs... How dared I think that my situation was hard?

Our pain hurts the most because it is us that feel it. But that doesn't make it right.

So yeah, my situation, my waiting is a bitch. So what. Nemesis' situation might be her hardest yet. My friends are all watching out for me, and I thank you for that, but I understand that Nemesis is taking a couple of days off. She needs to have a clear mind, and that takes some time, that requires some kind of a process.

Sometimes waiting can sting, but only for the first few minutes.

From the beginning, all I asked Nemesis was to try and find in herself if she would be happy giving us chance. I never gave her any deadlines because it's an important decision. There have been, however, many deadlines. The latest was hers. But this "project" needs to be right when it's delivered. I don't want it to be rushed. I know she's working on it.

Just gotta get out

I'm just writing this because I'm going out of my mind, and a little bit into it too.

Everybody's been asking me (understandably) if I have an answer already. Well, I don't. I have... hints. Nothing more than that. I've had several deadlines (none of them imposed by me), several cancellations of those deadlines, and a deep sense of anxiety every time one of those came up.

The first hint today was this:



So I guess she finally talked to the Viking. As soon as I saw it, I checked. She wasn't online. The second and third hints were these other tweets:



I saw these two as I was arriving to my house. The one below was also posted on her blog. I guess she has trouble delivering "The Answer". That's... understandable whether it is yes or no. The steel-enforced line... am I going to want to kick her "cojones" when she tells me? The one above could mean that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and to me. Or that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and I'll be saying goodbye to my life here. Or nothing about that at all.

If she's trying to keep me on my toes, well, it IS working. I have been a fucking mess since the "ahdunno" line. If she's trying to see how long I can endure... Well, the only way to know that is to get me to the point where I can't anymore, right? Is that how it works? Is that payback?

I know I've been talking nonsense for the last 3 posts. Maybe reasonable nonsense, but not very positive or hopeful nonsense. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Those maybes aren't really quantifiable anyway, are they? The only thing that I can tell for sure is that I am going out of my fucking mind with all this. I don't know what the Hell it is going on AGAIN. Once again I'm feeling like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen.



My brother has asked me if I want to watch some game I do not care so much about with some friends. Some other friends are doing some dinner plans and maybe go out somewhere afterward for a few drinks or whatnot. And I'm having a headache, pissed, angry, scared and frustrated, in front of the computer, trying to figure out if I should stay here and wait for Nemesis to appear with some kind of answer to hold on to or if I should just go somewhere and try to clear my head from all this. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stop thinking about this unless I get kinda drunk or tipsy at least. And I have to drive back home, so that may not be the best idea. If I go anywhere in this mood, I might also ruin everybody's night, and also will probably have to talk about all this with no data at all about why Nemesis isn't saying anything, while trying to hold the frustration inside me so I don't start freaking out in front of people I don't see that often and that might think I'm going crazy. Sadly, they might be right.

I bet Nemesis isn't having that great of a day herself, don't get me wrong. I'm not so selfish, no matter how I may look right now... I get it. I know this shit is intense, and very hard. But I really would appreciate not being left on the side. A simple "Will you be available tomorrow to talk?" Would be enough. Something to hold on to that I am not making up inside my head.

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go drinking. If I stay here I'm going to start getting another fucking panic attack. Now THAT would be funny. Nemesis tells the Viking that she wants me, and I die alone that very same night. Like Romeo and Juliet but with all communications working perfectly.

Have a good night.

0

Maybe a bit late with all these thoughts, but I'm gonna make this post a rant that's, I think, necessary. And yes, I'm pissed off right now. I hope it'll help me vent.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm begging for someone to let me into her life. I am not losing my self respect; I know I have a low self esteem and all that, and I'm fine with that, because that just means I have quite a threshold  before you can actually hurt me. But we're getting there. I'm starting to feel hurt in that way. The little self respect that I wish to keep is starting to resent a few things, and maybe we're just playing, but people get hurt like that all the time.



I am sick of being "the guy that left 2 years ago". That should stop  already. It was funny for a while, but not anymore. I should remind  Nemesis that she wasn't told to wait for me these 2 years. I didn't tell  her that I was thinking about going back for her, that I loved her, and  that we could be together if she just waits for another 2 weeks, another month, another 10 days... for 2 years. I am not "fucking away my pain"  while I wait either, or starting new relationships with those "fuck buddies". So do NOT compare my wait with her wait, because it is  nothing of the sort. I will not be guilty-ed into that, because it will  do me no good. And if she says yes, that will make one third of "us"  unhappy.

I am sick of waiting. The very few who have been reading my posts  from the beginning probably have seen how all this is making me feel  worthless. All the ups and downs are pretty much killing me up to a  point where even the stable "middles" are teeth clenching at best. Of  course my friends are getting sick of this shit! My life is revolving  around this whole issue that is being delayed and delayed, and  "deadlined", and dropped, and "re-deadlined" again. They have seen me  devastated, numb and trying my best to hold my shit together for months,  while I actually wait.

If Nemesis says yes, there will be stuff (a lot) that we will just have to drop. Or else this whole thing, this "us" is doomed.

1

Day 1 is over. It has been over for an hour and 6 minutes ago, so I guess this is one of those countdowns that end in zero.

Nemesis was going to meet the Viking today, but I think she finally couldn't. The Viking had a shoot (he's an actor/developer), and I guess he finally couldn't make it.

I don't know what Nemesis wants to tell him, but I'm pretty sure she has an answer already. Still, she refuses to give it away. I'm fine with that, since, as we know now, this countdown goes all the way to zero. So I guess today will be the day we finally get an answer. Or maybe not. I asked Nemesis if she would give me her answer tomorrow, and she said "ahdunno .."

:|

It might have been that I had been waiting at the office for too long, or that I was feeling hungry, or that I felt hot and sweaty, but that answer didn't feel good at all. I said bye shortly after that and left. She probably didn't notice that I was being serious. If I were her, if I hadn't had anything to do, this post might have been quite different.

I'm still cranky though. Should I write what I feel now? Should I write what I felt?