Insufficient data

When expectations are too high, you are most likely to get disappointed.

Nemesis and the Viking broke up. The 2 week period did not last 7 days. And then Nemesis told me that, as he had suggested, we shouldn't talk for a month. That goes for all; him an her, me and her.

Fair is fair, she said, we shouldn't talk either. But fairness isn't a part of this, it never was. During one of our Skype conversations, one that was supposed to break us up for a month, I ended up suggesting that I go there and spend Holy week together. Her smile was enough to do it. A couple of calls and I was almost packing. It's just 5 days or so, but I really wanted to see her, to be with her, to know if this whole thing was real. The worst thing that could happen was that I went there and we didn't click, right? Nemesis asked her closest friends for a vote in the matter, and most of them agreed that I should come. And so I did.




I barely told anybody (sorry, guys, I sincerely apologize), but I guess I didn't keep it quiet enough. The few people who knew (mainly Nemesis' closes friends), or the things I said/posted must have been enough for the Viking to know. He had another talk with Nemesis, saying that it WAS an actual break up now, whatever that means.

Nemesis picked me up at the airport, and we went to have some brunch. We talked, we laughed, I blamed the jet lag for my bad jokes, and she took me to my hotel. And God, she's still... her.

That same night, we went to meet Nemesis' friends. It was a fun night, and I was partly scared, partly excited about the grilling that was destined to occur. But nothing much really happened during dinner, really. They asked me why I was there, and I explained, basically. And then, after dinner, Nemesis' Brain arrived. And that's when the whole thing got harder.

She asked me in English a lot of questions, and explained a few things. Then she talked to Nemesis in Filipino, not noticing that I was going through a hard time doubting about what all the "Viking", "Spaniard", etc was about. "It's ok", I thought to myself. Then we talked some more, and the conversation started going a bit gentler on me at the end. The verdict? "Insufficient data". There's not enough information about me to know if I could be the best candidate for Nemesis. Breaking up and getting back up again is hard, and it takes a lot out of you, and in Nemesis' case, maybe a bit too much, as she's gone through quite a few intense ones. Is the risk worth her life? The only thing in my favor is that Nemesis loves me.

As I write these lines, she's sleeping behind me, after spending most of yesterday in my bed and a few hours with her daughter. I think I've slept barely 3 hours today, and all that I can think of is that I don't know what will happen. I know I love Mara, and I wish I could be with her, but the Brain was right, we don't know if I'll be with Nemesis forever, or if it won't work out because I'm not ready to be in a serious, adult relationship. I'm a gamble. And the data isn't enough to know the odds.

:|

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm going a bit out of my mind these days.

Apparently, the only thing that has changed in the entire situation is that now there's a deadline. The Viking is still living in Nemesis' house, and, according to her, she could use more space on that side of her life. She only has one weekend to actually think about it, and I bet the Viking won't let her be unless Nemesis really asks him to. And he probably would not leave without a couple of punches below the belt as a signature move.

I have offered Nemesis that she chooses a resort of her liking so she can think about all of this. Of course, she said no. And as always, I told her that my offer still stands.

I've been trying to do... stuff. To keep my mind busy. I've been going to the movies, shopping, doing chores, finding, buying, ordering, and trying to get some things I wanted to send Nemesis, and envelopes or boxes for them (it sounds silly, but one of the things needs a freaking huge envelope! - had to make it myself)... And blogging. Well, you know about that.



And then today, my brother called me and, after asking me how everything was going (I guess my brother hasn't gotten sick of the whole issue yet), pointed out one of the big disadvantages of my situation:

"Why aren't you there already? If Nemesis is trying to decide between a guy who's there, and the idea of a guy who's talking to her through the internet... "



He even offered to pay for the flight. Everybody's so happy to see me like this, to see me... well, in love. They don't see that often (that means never). And I can't help but think that I'm just a ghost competing against real, living humans. It doesn't matter how fast I run, I will never be able to hold a medal.

And so, here lies the question: Should I just go there? When? Is it any good if I go there to visit after the two week period is over? Should I just go there for the weekend? Or should I stay and hope for Nemesis to make her choice?

Math

Two weeks. Two weeks since the 18th, when I got that message:

2 x 7 days so she can make up her mind, so she can choose.
2 x 7 = Nemesis' happiness = N

2 x 7 - x

x = 24h of screaming and yelling + sleepless nights + Friday video+ a silent weekend +(2 days of digesting)/(Viking+Me) = 5 days

2 x 7 - 5 = 9 days

9 days for Nemesis to find out where her happiness is.

9 days = 3 work days + weekend + 4 work days = N(t)

When:


9 days to find N
9 days to break a heart, or 2.
9 days to give up.


Oh, and, incidentally:

March 18th + 2 x 7...


That's right. Happy April Fool's day.
I hope that the joke isn't on N. Wish us luck.

Good times, bad times

Some days are good.

Friday was good. Nemesis was pretty fucked up after telling the Viking, and, after a while, we had a video chat. She was feeling really awful about it; imagine telling your boyfriend that you're having doubts for almost 24 hours starting at 4 a.m. After a few minutes of both of us feeling like crap about the whole thing, I decided to get Nemesis' mind off the issue and try to make her feel less miserable. There's plenty of misery in her life already. After a few hours, she was saying that her face hurt from smiling that much. How can one not feel happy about that?

Today, however, wasn't that good.

There isn't a real reason for it. Nemesis and I talked, she was feeling tired, then numb, then aggressive... And I was feeling scared. All the time. Still, I tried to make her feel better, because I know she's having it way worse than me. Sometimes, every line you say makes you feel like more and more of an idiot. You don't really need to say anything stupid; it's just you: something inside you is telling you that you're not worthy, that you aren't gonna achieve what you'd like to achieve, and that you're going to end up looking like a fool, friendless, loveless, and devastated. And you, stupid as you are, will fight that feeling, and lose.

Now I feel depressed. And all I want to do is pay tribute to the Gods of Beer and ask them to change my mood or numb me for a while.



Wish me luck. In a few hours, a new day will come.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

Friendship

[At the car, JMercury drives, I look out the window]

JMercury: I'm happy because Ms Vermont texted me something cute at last.
Me: ...
JMercury: I know you don't give a shit, but could you pretend that you do?
Me: sorry, I wasn't listening... *chuckles*
JMercury: *shakes head*

Kodak moment.

Today was a decent monday. I didn't work too much, and I had a nice conversation with Nemesis; we talked about us, about life, literature, life, sex, poker, cyber drinking, and much more.

For those of you who might not know, Nemesis has a daughter. She's great, from what I remember and what I hear. She's 3 years old now. We were talking about her and about how big she was already... fat, not big. So she started sending me pics of her: with some friends, at a birthday party, with her mom... and then she sent me a photo of her with the Viking.

They posed quite well. Her, with her "I-shall-eat-your-soul baby teeth"; him, with a pleasing grin.

That image has been flashing before my eyes for a while. They looked quite happy. And yes, I know: posing is an art, and that way, it can deceive and trick you into thinking that something that isn't there is real.

And yes, I also know that what I'm doing is right. Nothing bad should come from this; we're making our feelings clearer and, that way, more real and relevant to our lives. Still, I hate feeling that I might be breaking something. Is one's happiness reason enough to step over someone else's?

A part of me thinks that maybe I should just back up, give up. A part of me wants Nemesis to chose him, so I don't feel responsible for a lost chance. And I understand how absurd that last statement is. I know that part who thinks all those things is the attic where my fears and doubts live. But I don't hate that guy in the picture. I don't hate the Viking at all.

Analysis

I've been feeling a bit... not myself for a while. I'm past the emo part, or I have moved away from it a bit, and I am in an odd mood. I feel like I do nothing of consequence. Even lately, when I talk to Nemesis, after the chat, I can barely feel anything. Some of those conversations have made me feel loved, and I know that. But once they're over, I feel no... purpose in them.

Actually, I feel no purpose on anything. Like everything's meaningless. I guess I'm just too tired of the highs and lows and my body is keeping me away from them for now.

I've discovered that, by neglecting my emotional side, I haven't let it grow. I'm still a teenager emotionally... I started at 13 when this whole thing happened, and I guess I'm reaching 18 now. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel stupid for this (I already have a lot of other reasons to feel stupid for), but I notice that all this emotional roller coasters are making me grow at a tremendous speed. Twenty or so years of repression are trying to catch up with me, and that's a good thing, but it's paying its toll, sometimes.

Going too fast can lead to a couple of accidents, and now that I've noticed this, I think my body is trying to protect me from my mind. And I know I'm still in control. I can choose to break all speed limits and get my feelings up to date as fast as I can.

I don't want to crash. I know I won't protect me for too long, because I don't want this to be another 'Flowers for Algernon'. I don't want to be Charlie Gordon.

I will softly step on the gas, but I'll get there.


"I can be late, but if you can just wait, I will make it eventually"
- Cathy, The last 5 years, by Jason Robert Brown

Against the waves

I just woke up a few minutes ago. I'm still having that slight veil in my eyes, that doesn't quite allow me to enter the world of "the awoken". I had a dream today.

I was in the Philippines, at some party. Nemesis' friends were there (ClinicallyInsane included), some I saw and talked to, and some I just knew were there but couldn't see them (TheCouple+1). I knew that Nemesis was there, although, if I saw her, it was only from afar (long, beautiful dark hair). Her dad was there too; he looked at me with an expression that mixed curiosity and concern, the look of someone who's trying to understand something that is important but too new to be trusted completely right away.

It was a fancy party, at a beautiful place by a hill.

For some reason, at some point, a few of the younger men on that party had to prove our worth: we had to jump into the ocean and swim against the current. We run down the hill, while some men removed their clothes, their shoes... It wasn't a competition. There was not a starting line. We knew we had to do it in order to achieve... something, I guess. Nemesis' dad was looking at the whole thing from the top of the hill, silently judging.

I just removed my shoes and jacket, and jumped into the water. For some reason I was wearing swimming trunks under my slacks (did I know this was going to happen?). The first few minutes of swimming were ok; the water was cold, but not freezing. We had to reach some sculptures that were a couple of hundred meters away from the shore, and, although most of the participants took the whole thing in a playful manner, I knew it was very important for me to try my best. And then the waves came.

A handful of us were getting closer to the sculptures when the waves started getting darker and bigger. They pushed us away from our goal, so we only could advance a few inches if we tried, and get dragged back to the shore if we gave up. The waves were big enough to make me lose sight of the sculptures, dragging me up and down, sensually, violently. I kept swimming as hard as I could.

Around 10 meters away from the sculptures, I woke up.

Doubt and tell

I have finally been able to calm down as much as I can after the latest incident. I have had dinner with JMercury and his mother, who is, not by chance, my honorary mother, and she has given me some insight about all this... situation.

She has suggested that the healthiest thing to do in this situation would be for Nemesis to tell the Viking. It's making this issue way more complicated, and it's going to be messy in the end. Things should be told right from the start, as history has taught us.


Of course, as the scared idiot I am, I suggested that might not be a good idea; why should he suffer for the doubts Nemesis is having?

And of course again, reason does rise above our fears: we're all suffering already from this. Why should we (Nemesis and I) be acting like children doing something wrong? The doubt IS real, after all. Is she going to be able to make a decision while acting in front of the Viking (and some others) as if this wasn't happening? If she chooses me, is she going to be able to tell the Viking that she has been thinking about it for weeks, months? Isn't their relationship already getting hurt by this?

In a nutshell: "Right. We're doing it wrong". The Viking doesn't deserve to be in the dark. We all deserve to be loved fully and without doubts. This is the purpose of all of this, right?

How could I tell Nemesis to do this? I suggested it once, but it IS her decision. I could email the Viking and suggest a Gentlemen's agreement on this. At least things would be clearer for everyone...

One day later, talking to Nemesis, she told me she thinks the same thing. She just has to figure out the how and the when. She's scared that the Viking will freak out.

I don't want her relationship to be more affected by this than it should. I hope the Viking will understand that this, painful as it is, is for the best. I hope Nemesis won't be heartbroken again. I hope this won't end up in a rushed decision, and I trust Nemesis to do the right thing; I know she sometimes struggles to do what it's right, but I also know she really wants to. She's just scared, sometimes. Aren't we all?


"Hoping and wishing will do us no good. If we cannot act on our hopes, fight our fears, and allow us to do the unexpected, we're not worthy of being happy."

Fuck.

Today, as most days since "Now it's up to you", I have talked to Nemesis. We click. Something makes talking to each other... either easy or meaningful. At the end of my day (and hers too) I decided to call her. We've done that a few times (as you might know from our previous post), with different results, always interesting.

And at one point, the call ended mid-sentence. I thought the call got disconnected, so I pressed call again. Then she disconnected. Must be her connection, I imagined.

Nemesis: SOOO SORRY!

Me: :))

Nemesis: Ehm ...

Me: No?

Nemesis: The Viking suddenly walked into the office.

:|

Me: :|

Nemesis: Yeah ... ehm ...

Me: O.O

Nemesis: And I even think he saw you call again.

Me: Fuck

Nemesis: SO SORRY

Me: I'm sorry!!!!

Nemesis: I couldn't close Gtalk fast enough

Me: You ok?

Nemesis: Ehm ... yeah

Dunno yet

How this may affect the situation, I don't know. I know Nemesis has feelings for me. She told me that her heart is saying YES, but logic is saying that she should stay with the Viking.

As much as I want Nemesis to pick me, I know she has to make the right choice, and I don't want that choice to be taken during a fight with The Viking, or me, or anyone else for that matter.

I can't help but feel that I have lost her. I'm trying to stop myself from feeling that, and I know that's probably wrong too.

I know this sounds gay as fuck, but you're reading my blog, so you must have gotten used to it by now, so here it comes:

If there is something called Love, if it exists, if it's as big and powerful as they say it is, Nemesis might be my chance at it. I know she feels a little bit this way too (a bit less girly, probably). If she says "no"... I know I will feel like the only precious thing worth considering in this mediocre world we inhabit is being rejected because it's too much of an inconvenience.

I know it's not fair to think like this. I might have another chance at happiness, who knows... but right now, I seriously doubt it. I can't help it.

Imagine Juliet saying to Romeo "Sorry, my parents told me I should marry this other guy, Paris... You see, he's a Capulet, so... yeah."

Please, let this not be the end of us. Fuck.

Fragile.

A window was our stage, and the texts our voices.

She was the host, the third party. I was me, as I usually am. We were the actors and, most of all, the audience.
It was a play, an interview, about fear and love. At first it was.

The lines became blurry, and the play turned into a horrid radio show. One-way communication, but only maybe.

Laying on the floor, trying to remain conscious, trying to understand the curses that came out of my mouth, I thought "please stop, she shouldn't see this". It's already complicated as it is.

But that was on my side of the world. I could only imagine her in hers: crying, terrified, listening to my loud attempts to catch my breath. And typing, impotent. What else could she do?

...

Today I'm numb, scared, and, most of all, ashamed.

Monkey business

Today has been one of those days... So now I'm tired, and emotionally distressed and in a very "fuck this shit mood". To honor the latter, I shall tell you a double-flash-backed story.


I used to be in a band. Well, I used to define ourselves as a group of friends that happen to play together, but we did gigs here and there (some pretty nice venues too), wrote our own songs, rehearsed, recorded some tracks, and that kind of thing.

It was the year 2005? Or something like that. And we went to record drums for the first time on a house in the outskirts of Madrid. I usually went to work at the recording studio and would leave to the "country house" straight from there, but this was a weekend, I think, because the whole band was there.

After recording some tracks, we ordered a few pizzas and decided to eat them, as tradition dictates. We were talking about rock and roll, friendship, and shit. And then a story combined them all.

Dvd: Dude, I remember when we were kids and used to [insert stuff that you'd do when you were a kid in the 80s]!
Me: Oh yeah, I remember [same kinda crap]

The rest of the friends (and one of the girlfriends who had come that day) nodded assertively and smiled celebrating this long lasting friendship.

Dvd: And I still remember, one time, you threw your own shit to my neighbors.

Silence took over the table, jaws dropped, eyes opened, heads turned, hands stopped, pizza portions hanged.

Me: What? Imposs...! Oh crap. I remember.


Of course, after that the silence didn't manage to persist. Thankfully, laughter was the most reasonable way out. So they laughed. I... on the other hand, had to explain.

Me: Wait, wait! It wasn't like that! I was trying to avenge Dvd from whatever the neighbors had done, so I pooped in my hand and...

...and realized I wasn't making things any better.


Moral? Don't throw excrement in the name of friendship. It will haunt you forever. The memory, not the excrement. Mmmh... I guess that's not so bad, if you look at it that way.