I hate...

…that I’m not more experienced at this boyfriend stuff.
…that I don’t know how to compartmentalize better.
…that you’ve chose to disappear from my reach today.
…that every ding, or beep that my computer does, I need to check if it’s you, saying something terrible or something great.
…that both things could make me feel worse.
…that I’m this insecure.
…that I sometimes can’t get over my own pain to help you with yours.
…that when I do, I don’t seem to help at all.
…that you use my moments of weakness to not trust me.
…that sometimes you don’t believe me.
…that I’m trying but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better.
…that I have to blog about it because telling just one person feels too intimate.
...that I'm not there with you now.
…thinking that I might not be good enough.

Take a deep breath... hold it...

As you may have noticed from yesterday's post, my mood's not the greatest due to some Nemesis-related events. We're still 30 days apart from each other, and that is taking a huge effort from both of us. I guess I was being less affected by it since, well, I have lots of things to do, and each of those things, although don't bring me closer to her geographically speaking, are necessary steps towards her. And also, they keep my mind occupied enough to not think constantly about how extenuatingly long it's taking for us to finally be together.

Although I think I know what's bothering Nemesis, I can't really do much to comfort her. She wants to be comforted, but I just can't do it, since each line of our chats is just another confirmation of me being here, and not there. She doesn't want solutions to her state, or explanations, or anything of that sort; she doesn't even want me to relate. She wants me, there. And we're still 30 days away from that; 30 long, terrible days. Different but the same for each.

It'll be a while before I get there. We're gonna have to learn how to live like this before we can exhale.

Fine

For the past week, conversations with Nemesis have gone from sweet, to pretty useless. I know she's not feeling too well, due to some stupid hormones combined with waiting, insecurities, and an LDR. I've been trying to help her in many ways: distracting her, trying to talk about it, rationalizing it, giving her space, psychoanalizing it, giving her my insight, trying to empathize, attempting to get her to go out and meet some friends to get some perspective... The results? All those conversations ended up way worse than they started. She's consistently told me that I don't get her, that I suck as a boyfriend, that I suck on many levels at making her feel any better, and that "the fact that  someone less important can make [her] feel better yet [I] can't" is bothering her.

Apparently I have to know how she feels without her telling me, not being able to see her (she didn't want to skype), while having her throw punches like those every 5 lines, dealing with her passive-aggressive crap, and feeling like I am an idiot who's doing everything he possibly can to be with a person that apparently thinks I'm a stupid, inept excuse of a pseudo-boyfriend.

Well, that's kind of hard isn't it? I bet that "someone less important" (whatever that means) who can make her feel better is actually able to see what she's going through. Every freaking time I've talked to her, it has ended up in me feeling like a worthless idiot, and her feeling annoyed at me. And yet, if I don't talk to her, she thinks I'm not doing it right, since I should keep trying and trying until I eventually get it, or else I'm just a lousy boyfriend. Oh, but wait! I ALREADY AM, AREN'T I? So, maybe, to be practical, I should say "fuck this shit": If I talk to her, she gets annoyed, and I feel like crap, stupid and angry; If I don't talk to her, I feel like crap, and she thinks I'm a lame boyfriend. So the only thing I need to assess is if having her think that I'm a lame boyfriend is worse than feeling stupid, angry, and having her annoyed instead... Hmm...

Dear Nemesis, I was having a really decent weekend until I talked to you today. So guess what? YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. Or are you the only one who has any right to feel bad? At least when you're feeling ok, I don't fuck it up for you just because I feel bad. And I certainly don't do that for an entire week. I haven't gotten a nice word from you in a long time. I am trying to make you feel better, but you just won't let me. If I'm having a bad day, I LET YOU help me. Today, after talking for a while, you said "FYI, none of  what you said made me feel any bit better. Just so you know. I don't... feel it to be true." Well, that is your fault, Nemesis. Because everything I said was, indeed, true. You just refuse to accept it. But it's ok, right? As you said, it's your shit.

It always begins like this:

Me: Good morning! How're you feeling?

Nemesis: I'm fine.

I'm getting tired of all the "fines", "shrugs", "rights", "mehs"...

Next time you talk to me, don't forget that fine isn't the same as F.I.N.E.

10 semi-random thoughts

1.- Sometimes trying to help doesn't help.
2.- When you got stuff on your plate, maybe it's best that you finish your serving by yourself, instead of helping others with theirs.
3.- Wait until you're invited? When does assertion become intrusion?
4.- I spend too much time thinking about things that don't help.
5.- Thoughts aren't real for anyone but you.

6.- The greatest mistakes are, sometimes, a result of a great potential gain, and, as such, they are never the former.
7.- We only feel our own, be careful to not disregard or even compare others' pain to yours, for they won't ever be the same.
8.- Waiting can be hard.
9.- Set a deadline or it won't get done.
10.- Regret and hope are inverse concepts; both can help you measure, but they're only tools, not ends.

Endings

I have finally told my bosses, and now most of the people in my company know that I'm leaving. I am trying to get a job (wouldn't it be great if I moved there with an actual income?), since I'll be pretty much unemployed for the 1st time in... 7 years or so. Damn, that's a long time. My bosses took it pretty well, and I'm happy to say that they've told me they will be there for anything that I might need. Just with that, they're helping already. I guess they don't hate me that much ofter all! Or maybe they're just trying to get me to stay as far from them as possible, haha!

Anyway, now I'm trying to find a place to stay, that may vary if/when I get a job. Thankfully I have Nemesis helping me with that. Nemesis will check out an apartment soon that could be pretty good for me if I don't get a job. If I do, that apartment will be good too, but I may be able to move to a bigger one without thinking about how my bank account is just taking loss after loss. And yes, I can lose money for a while and be ok, but I... well, I don't want to, basically. Also, I guess I like to work; I feel the need to get up every morning and do something productive, what can I say?

There's pressure and a sense of hurrying, and numbers to crunch, and fingers to cross, and... basically lots of things to do. I'm trying to finalize every project that I am handling now, trying to make a smooth leave from my job into unemployment, leaving every knot tied as hard as possible. This is the end of a chapter in my life, and turning a page is pretty exhausting, I guess this chapter was way too long already.

I really need some rest. I'm collapsing A LOT. Last weekend I slept for 15 hours one night. That's... slightly more than what I sleep in 4 days. That's how tired I am. But, surprisingly, what REALLY leaves me rested is doing what I've always done. Going to a bar and grabbing a beer and some hotdogs and bacon burgers. Those things that I've been doing since I was 16, those things I can do out of inertia... THAT does it for me. The 15 hours? I guess doing those things also give me a sense of belonging that gives me peace of mind. Maybe the greatest goodbye is the one that doesn't feel different from any other.

Dreams come true

I haven't been sleeping well lately; I have trouble going to bed, and also, for obvious reasons, getting out of it. This has been happening all my life, don't worry. But today I didn't feel like going to the gym, so I laid on top of my bed, with a book in my hand instead. I hadn't opened it yet, and I was already asleep.

I heard a sound, or felt a vibration... can't remember which, but I sat on the edge of my bed and saw this message on my Twitter account, coming from Nemesis:



I had received it also as a text message. That made me smile, and exhale. It made me feel like everything was fine. Better than fine. We might be having a bad day, but it's all good now, we understand, we...

And then I opened my eyes to a blurry spine, to the side of my bed, to reality. I never received that message. We're still in the middle of this stupid drama; a mix between hormones, fear, and a lack of understanding. I checked, half asleep, her latest tweets: something about her parking space, one about punching walls or balls, and one calling me "nakakainis", "tanga".

Great.

I don't know if this whole thing is sinking in for her now or if she's having a bad day, or what. What I do know is that I am about to leave everything behind for a person that, at least sometimes, considers me an annoying idiot. I calm down, and I understand that she's not having a good day, and I... well, repress my wanting to talk about whatever the hell it is that's making her act that way. I give her space, and I wait. Maybe not without feeling guilty, without feeling like all those things she's thinking I am at this very moment.

Did we feel more for each other when the whole decision, the drama, was hanging over our heads? Is this how we know that the "honeymoon period" is over? She's been saying that these are going to be the longest 2 months ever. Maybe that's true for her, but it's not for me. I miss her, and I'd love to be with her this very moment, but waiting for something to arrive isn't half as bad if you know it IS going to arrive. Or maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she's having second thoughts. Maybe that's her way of torturing herself, I don't know. If that's what's going on, I guess she should know that I am joining in on her own personal home-made torture. That's the funny thing about couples: If one's pissed, the other has no other choice but to feel guilty, hurt, pissed back, or a combination of all three.

For now, I'll just have to try and go back to sleep, and hope that reality feels a bit more like that dream this time.

OMW

These past days I haven't been posting much. You're welcome.

Basically I've been letting all this sink in, telling all the friends who bothered to ask (David hasn't yet, so maybe he doesn't know), and trying to figure out what to take, how, and all those things I mentioned on my earlier post. I have also set a date to leave.



I keep talking to Nemesis almost everyday, and I feel great about the whole thing. This is the greatest decision I have ever made, and actually making it happen is something refreshing, inspiring, and, well, still a bit scary. But what is a man to do when he has his answer right in front of him? Denying it, or pretending there isn't a question would be easy, but it would not be right. Maybe I've been reading Ayn Rand a bit too intensely.

Soon enough I'll be there. But as Nemesis said, "anything could happen it these 2 months". My first reaction would be to think about the bad things that could happen, but all those "bad things" would be just a result of my fears, and I've talked about those WAY too many times.

I still have to organize and arrange many things; fortunately, my mind isn't one of them.

And now

I finally have the answer from Nemesis. It made me really happy to finally have it and, at the same time, I have needed a couple of days to let it sink in.

First, I told a friend who IM'ed me out of "good vibes". Then, I told FavoriteCousin and JMercury, because they asked. After that, I've told a few more friends, and, a couple of hours ago, I told my parents. They were... having trouble understanding what I was saying. I told them that I finally had the confirmation from Nemesis, and that I would be leaving in a couple of months to see if we can make it as a couple. My father asked "so you have a job there, then?" I said "no". I told him that I was thinking about telling my bosses that I would be leaving in a couple of months, and that I would probably need a week of vacation fairly soon, in order to arrange some things (maybe take a trip with a couple of friends?). My father said "no, I think it's better that you don't tell them until you have a job there". I said "and what if I don't get a job there by the time I'm leaving?" I think he had trouble understanding the concept of me leaving, job or not. But anyway.

So I have to arrange some things now. I mean, I've told a few people, and soon everybody will know. And now what?



What do I bring? What do I leave behind? What about my job here? What about my job there? Where am I gonna live? What do I do with my car? And my friends? Probably a couple of farewell parties will be in order.

I'll be leaving by the end of June. My mom said "so you won't be here for your niece's birth?" I asked "When is she due?" "August." "Then no. Unless I come back to see her." Part of me was sad that I might not be here when Dr.Brother's daughter arrives, but I'm already delaying my trip almost an entire month, and things will continue happening, and confusing me, and I won't let them get in the way anymore.

The reason I'm writing all this is, well... partly because I was re-writing my CV and the Stupid M@##¢@÷∞¬#ing Word crashed and I needed some non-curricular (pun intended) activity. Partly because that's where I'm standing now, and because part 2 of this blog that you, my friends, are avoiding with all your heart's love, is about to begin. Hopefully all the drama and the emo crap will end now.

Wrapping my head around it

Don't Worry...

This 'one post a day' isn't gonna become a thing. But I have felt the need to set things straight now that my head isn't going crazy from all the pressure, deadlines, questions, waiting.

The worst thing about a war is not knowing what is really going on. I don't know what has been going on in Nemesis' life for the past 2 days. And I was supposed to, at least in my head. I've been waiting for something that has been evasive at best, and every time it has avoided me, I have had trouble swallowing the first few bites of the new situation. Luckily, at some point, perspective kicks in and I see things more clearly. And they get clearer and clearer every day... until the next deadline or change of plans, at least.

I'm gonna drop the ifs and the maybes for this one. Do I know what has happened? No. That concept is simple enough, right?

What I know is that Nemesis is facing a life-changing decision; not only for her, but for her daughter, and for me. I think she has, indeed, started walking down that path. And I know, because I've felt something similar recently, that asking anybody to do something they would never do if you didn't ask them can become quite a weight on your shoulders. This path can be quite a bitch, I tell you. When that happens, you have to deal with it in any way you can. Sometimes it involves getting smashed and regroup later, or cry for hours until exhaustion takes over and you can think about it with a steady mind. Or meeting some friends, talk about it, go home, be back on square one again, and then repeat until the cycle breaks and throws you (hopefully) on the right direction.

When I screwed up my knee and I was going to my first day of physical therapy, I remember thinking about how awful it was, that I screwed up my knee age 27, and had to have surgery, and that maybe it wouldn't be 100% fine again. And then I walked into the room: Some thirty something guy whose legs ended over the place where his knees where; a kid, barely in his twenties learning how to walk with articulated, metallic legs... How dared I think that my situation was hard?

Our pain hurts the most because it is us that feel it. But that doesn't make it right.

So yeah, my situation, my waiting is a bitch. So what. Nemesis' situation might be her hardest yet. My friends are all watching out for me, and I thank you for that, but I understand that Nemesis is taking a couple of days off. She needs to have a clear mind, and that takes some time, that requires some kind of a process.

Sometimes waiting can sting, but only for the first few minutes.

From the beginning, all I asked Nemesis was to try and find in herself if she would be happy giving us chance. I never gave her any deadlines because it's an important decision. There have been, however, many deadlines. The latest was hers. But this "project" needs to be right when it's delivered. I don't want it to be rushed. I know she's working on it.

Just gotta get out

I'm just writing this because I'm going out of my mind, and a little bit into it too.

Everybody's been asking me (understandably) if I have an answer already. Well, I don't. I have... hints. Nothing more than that. I've had several deadlines (none of them imposed by me), several cancellations of those deadlines, and a deep sense of anxiety every time one of those came up.

The first hint today was this:



So I guess she finally talked to the Viking. As soon as I saw it, I checked. She wasn't online. The second and third hints were these other tweets:



I saw these two as I was arriving to my house. The one below was also posted on her blog. I guess she has trouble delivering "The Answer". That's... understandable whether it is yes or no. The steel-enforced line... am I going to want to kick her "cojones" when she tells me? The one above could mean that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and to me. Or that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and I'll be saying goodbye to my life here. Or nothing about that at all.

If she's trying to keep me on my toes, well, it IS working. I have been a fucking mess since the "ahdunno" line. If she's trying to see how long I can endure... Well, the only way to know that is to get me to the point where I can't anymore, right? Is that how it works? Is that payback?

I know I've been talking nonsense for the last 3 posts. Maybe reasonable nonsense, but not very positive or hopeful nonsense. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Those maybes aren't really quantifiable anyway, are they? The only thing that I can tell for sure is that I am going out of my fucking mind with all this. I don't know what the Hell it is going on AGAIN. Once again I'm feeling like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen.



My brother has asked me if I want to watch some game I do not care so much about with some friends. Some other friends are doing some dinner plans and maybe go out somewhere afterward for a few drinks or whatnot. And I'm having a headache, pissed, angry, scared and frustrated, in front of the computer, trying to figure out if I should stay here and wait for Nemesis to appear with some kind of answer to hold on to or if I should just go somewhere and try to clear my head from all this. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stop thinking about this unless I get kinda drunk or tipsy at least. And I have to drive back home, so that may not be the best idea. If I go anywhere in this mood, I might also ruin everybody's night, and also will probably have to talk about all this with no data at all about why Nemesis isn't saying anything, while trying to hold the frustration inside me so I don't start freaking out in front of people I don't see that often and that might think I'm going crazy. Sadly, they might be right.

I bet Nemesis isn't having that great of a day herself, don't get me wrong. I'm not so selfish, no matter how I may look right now... I get it. I know this shit is intense, and very hard. But I really would appreciate not being left on the side. A simple "Will you be available tomorrow to talk?" Would be enough. Something to hold on to that I am not making up inside my head.

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go drinking. If I stay here I'm going to start getting another fucking panic attack. Now THAT would be funny. Nemesis tells the Viking that she wants me, and I die alone that very same night. Like Romeo and Juliet but with all communications working perfectly.

Have a good night.

0

Maybe a bit late with all these thoughts, but I'm gonna make this post a rant that's, I think, necessary. And yes, I'm pissed off right now. I hope it'll help me vent.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm begging for someone to let me into her life. I am not losing my self respect; I know I have a low self esteem and all that, and I'm fine with that, because that just means I have quite a threshold  before you can actually hurt me. But we're getting there. I'm starting to feel hurt in that way. The little self respect that I wish to keep is starting to resent a few things, and maybe we're just playing, but people get hurt like that all the time.



I am sick of being "the guy that left 2 years ago". That should stop  already. It was funny for a while, but not anymore. I should remind  Nemesis that she wasn't told to wait for me these 2 years. I didn't tell  her that I was thinking about going back for her, that I loved her, and  that we could be together if she just waits for another 2 weeks, another month, another 10 days... for 2 years. I am not "fucking away my pain"  while I wait either, or starting new relationships with those "fuck buddies". So do NOT compare my wait with her wait, because it is  nothing of the sort. I will not be guilty-ed into that, because it will  do me no good. And if she says yes, that will make one third of "us"  unhappy.

I am sick of waiting. The very few who have been reading my posts  from the beginning probably have seen how all this is making me feel  worthless. All the ups and downs are pretty much killing me up to a  point where even the stable "middles" are teeth clenching at best. Of  course my friends are getting sick of this shit! My life is revolving  around this whole issue that is being delayed and delayed, and  "deadlined", and dropped, and "re-deadlined" again. They have seen me  devastated, numb and trying my best to hold my shit together for months,  while I actually wait.

If Nemesis says yes, there will be stuff (a lot) that we will just have to drop. Or else this whole thing, this "us" is doomed.