I should keep this in mind.

I just read a couple of my latest posts and think I should keep this in mind:

"If you fall asleep over the keyboard while writing a post, DO NOT just publish it when you wake up just so you can go to bed."

Also, JMercury (my other reader... the 1st one being me) told me that all my posts were kinda depressing. I mentioned to him that, as Fiona Apple once said, "why would I write about stuff when I'm feeling happy? I got nicer things to do when that happens! Should I just stop doing that so I can post a more peppy piece?" But OK, he's got a point.

I might try posting something that doesn't want to put a bullet in your my skull. But I said "might". And "try".

Quotes

It took me a second read to notice why this made my stomach twist:

"It's no use wasting what you've got on an ideal that they'll never let you reach. It's no use, taking that marvelous thing you have and making a torture rack for yourself out of it."

-Henry Cameron to Howard Roark, from The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)

Thoughts

It's funny how minds work.

I know I love Nemesis. And yet, sometimes I hear voices in my head (not literally guys, don't worry) that tell me things such as:

- This is way too painful. Just forget about it; you know you can be happy without her.
- Love should be easy; if this isn't, it's not love.
- Are you really sure you want to drop everything just for a girl? Isn't that a bit... insane?
- Is that who you want to be? An irresponsible, impulsive, exposed guy that just leaves everybody for a girl that could break you like a toothpick?

...and many, many more. I wipe those thoughts out with one simple statement: I know I love her, and I won't be happy if I don't try being with her. Don't you Vampires get in the way of my happiness, motherf***ers!

Since I'm FINALLY saying what I feel, I gotta say this: I feel weird. I feel weird saying things like "I love you", or "no, I don't really consider you my friend; you're nice and all, but..." Those things bother me. It takes an effort to say what you feel. I'm overcoming that effort, since the problem was mine.

But Nemesis has never said "I love you too". Does that mean that she doesn't? Or just that she doesn't know? Someone said today "If you don't know, then it's not love". Do any of you 2 readers think that's true?

Who am I?

Ever since I told Nemesis about my realization regarding my happiness, things have been... changing.

I'm putting Nemesis in a very critical situation, and I know that's gotta suck for her. Does she want to be the kind of girlfriend who dumps his boyfriend just because I, an ex-boyfriend who made her life miserable when I left, just realized that still love her 2 years later?

Do I want to be a guy who waltzes back into my ex's life and, realizing he had made a mistake leaving, decides that "now it's ok to steal a dude's girlfriend"?

I have never been like that. I was a very correct, polite, eager to please, and plan-following kind of person. I was selfless, and that was home. It's easy to please everybody when you're not in the picture. Problem avoidance wasn't hard, and doing "the right thing" and being honest at all times could keep me out of trouble for another 30 years, no doubt.

All of a sudden, I realize that I want to be happy, and that should be the priority. I can afford to be bold, and do and say things that are definitely shocking for anybody who had known me before "chapter 2", just because they're on the path of my happiness, and because I don't want to keep my feelings secret anymore. I can finally say "I love you" to Nemesis, and although this takes an effort on my account, I know it's true. It might screw her up that I say that, after all this time. She has never said it back to me...

I don't know if I'm becoming a nihilist, an objectivist, or a selfish asshole.

Your opinions are welcome.

Pissed.

Maybe it’s just that I haven’t slept well in a couple of days. Very uncomfortable dreams have been making my mornings harder than they should be. Yesterday I dreamed that Nemesis was sick. As in permanently sick. It woke me up at 4a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep. Today I dreamed that I finally snapped at my boss. I started saying everything I want to say in a very blunt, offensive way. Sad thing is, those two dreams are quite possible of coming true.

I am very pissed. I’m hating pretty much everything about me and the life I’ve created, about the stupid things around me that don’t matter and are still parading their mediocrity. Am I the only spectator who notices this? Maybe I’m the only one who wants to project this onto every little thing.

She loves me, she loves me not

It's not easy to deal with all of what's going on. On one hand, I feel like an ass for putting Nemesis through this; the easiest thing to do would have been to follow the plan and not talk to her in a couple of years, forget about each other as hard as we can and try to lock all of this feelings away.

On the other hand, I think this is a duel that we should go through.

I know I have a very small chance that Nemesis will say "yes". After all, I wasn't that good of a boyfriend to her: I didn't tell her that I loved her, and I always tried to keep some of my true feelings from her, so as to not make it hard for her when I left. And I did leave her. And I said many things to her so that she would move on from our relationship; she went through a lot because of me. Not to mention that I helped her lose a couple of good friends.

But I did love her, and I still do. It might not be perfectly clear to many, but I know that the deepest levels of myself just adore Nemesis.

In standard terms, I'm a fairly good catch. I might not be a member of the Kennedy's, but I would say I have at least a couple of redeeming qualities. Still, love has nothing to do with logic. I do not love Nemesis because of logical reasons; I guess that's why I hold her so dearly. There's no recipe for what I feel for her. She's not a compendium of my favorite qualities in a person, but there is something (somebody called it X-factor... thanks for making it sound cheap) that I very rarely find in anybody that just commands me to treasure her.

She's thinking about it. And, although I know this can only work out for the best, the tension is eating me up inside. I keep telling myself that whatever she chooses, as long as she's being honest to herself, will be a good thing.


If she chooses the Viking, that will reinforce their love, as well as kill their insecurities about their feelings. They will be better than before. I will be heartbroken (something that I deserve for repressing my feelings anyway) and I guess I'll learn to move on, and hopefully, someday, I will find someone that makes me feel what Nemesis made me feel. Or maybe I won't, and, since I'm not a guy who'd settle for this kind of thing, I will become one of those bitter men that can't stand looking at couples kissing in the park. Who knows. Maybe we would be friends again and that would be enough.

If she chooses me... Well, I'll start arranging my things so I can move there properly, with a house and a job and all that (I want to be able to give Nemesis the best life I can offer). But most importantly, if she chooses me, that will mean that she does love me back. And call me a romantic, but if she still loves me, that's because she isn't the Viking's "one true love", and I'm sure he'll find it in someone else.

Still, either "yes" or "no" terrify me. Well... mostly the latter.

In any case, I will have to wait for Nemesis' "sentence". I can't do anything but hope that she makes the right, honest, choice. That and take some pills before I get an ulcer in both my stomach and my brain.

Cougar

Today I went with JMercury to a concert; some friends were playing and that's what friends do whether they like it or not.

After the concert and a couple of failed introductions (a friend was going to introduce me to a couple of girls since I was the only single guy there - never happened), JMercury and I started talking about how some guys just sucked, and how we didn't.

It was then, over that discussion about how intellectual factors damaged the earliest stages of evolution's mating and courtship habits of the contemporaneous males, that a 'cougar' started glancing in our general direction.

Our eyes did unfortunately meet: hers, filled with expired seduction with a dash of alcoholism; mine, filled with awkwardness and disbelief in the form of an overly raised eyebrow. That didn't keep the cougar from trying to get JMercury and me to dance.

The things that would look cute in a 20-something year old girl, like acting as if she were sad when we politely declined her offer, aren't that cute anymore when you're well over 30 (as in mid forties). Just sayin'.

That didn't stop the predator though: she hugged JMercury from behind while she tried to look seductively to me. She did feel us a couple of times, running her hand down our chest and (luckily) stopping at our belts.

When I was about to pretend JMercury was my gay partner, he politely said that we weren't interested, and that we were discussing some important matters. She left then, but looked at us every now and then, reminding us that, when we least expected it, she might return.

If that's what women feel when guys try to "flirt" (yeah, do the finger thing) with them, I sincerely apologize on behalf of my gender. Please feel free to kindly let us know that you aren't interested using any of this sentences:

- What makes you think I'm within your reach?
- Sorry, I only talk to people I don't despise.
- If you were taller, cuter, wittier, and had a totally different DNA, maybe I'd think about it.
- The mere sight of you makes me feel nauseous, would you mind leaving?

Feel free to contribute to this small collection of sentences. Remember: being cruel and hurtful is not only good for you, it's good for the rest of the victims around you.

So now it's up to you... for both of us.

There's not a consensus on how to do certain things. So I played partly democratically, and partly thinking that I just had to say it already so I didn't feel like I did any longer.

Most has been said. She might have not absorbed it all as she should, but she must have gotten the basic idea: Say yes, and I'll come.

This is how Olympic athletes must feel like before the judges. Wish me luck.

Today

Today I decided to go to the gym after a long and boring day at work. Boring because I couldn't do the few things i had to do, and long because there wasn't much to do anyway.

Jeff Buckley playing on my iPod, and using the iPhone to text 'Happy Birthday' to my oldest friend's girlfriend, I was ready to get my daily pains.

After some sweaty cycling session, I proceeded to work a bit on my legs (gotta get my knee back into shape). For those of you who don't know, I go to the gym alone; it's not my ideal way of going to the gym, since it can get kind of boring, and having a gym partner entertains and motivates you to keep going a bit longer, a bit harder. So, in between sets, I decided to browse around the internet, for not-so-random stuff.

I googled 'Nemesis' and opened a few windows to see what kind of stuff would appear. She is a terrific (in my honest opinion) writer, with just the right amount of wit, sensibility, insight, and rage. You might not agree with what she says sometimes (God knows I don't), but it's always an entertaining read.

Some of the things I found were as expected: blogs, profiles that weren't accessible unless she approved, old articles that she wrote, some crappy blog compendiums that featured one of her posts... And then I read something she wrote. Just a small, short, straight to the point sentence.

I was doing my sit-ups... 3 sets of different types of abdominal exercises that usually leave me a bit sore for the rest of the day, and then some more. I love them.

I found myself doing them more fiercely, slightly harder, losing count of them. After finishing the set, I was gasping for air. I checked that sentence again. I started gasping slightly harder.

Next set, I started looking at some beautiful girl who was doing shoulder exercises in front of me. That sentence kept flashing in my head, and making me act... more violently, but without rage. She had a really nice figure, and a kind complexion. Still, I couldn't control my rhythm.

After I was done with the third set, I noticed tears were about to come out of my eyes. I went to drink some water. 'Another anxiety crisis? I haven't had any of those in a while'. I thought that couldn't be it, although the shortness of breath suggested otherwise. 'Mh - I thought - Wasn't this phase over already?'

I didn't care about my usual training anymore, I needed to let some steam out, so I went to whatever high resistance machine was available at that time, 3 sets of whatever, with slightly too much weight... That should do the trick.

As I was pulling violently, Jeff Buckley kept singing, tears were threatening to appear again, and coaches disguised as Batman, Spiderman, Lara Croft and Neptune were playfully talking to the regulars.

I decided to run for a few kilometers and leave, but all the running machines on that floor were taken. 'Fuck it, I'm going home'.

I grabbed my things at the locker room and stormed out of the building, while I thought of how lucky I was for having the opportunities, the friends, the family I have. I live in a nice house, filled with paintings, books, instruments... My parents are good people, and my friends love me to death... I have a car, and all my limbs, and a good job... My coach is a fucking Olympic gold medalist, for God's sake!

When I opened my car's door, I couldn't take it anymore. Tears were running down my face before I hit the seat. I turned on the lights of the car, and then I turned them off again. It was raining outside, 5ºC. It didn't feel cold at all... A second after I closed the door, 'Lover, you should've come over' started playing. I could hear my sobs over the music, muffled. I couldn't stop.

I cried like never before. At least that I can remember.

I didn't cry when my grandfather died, or when my aunt, who came every Saturday to have lunch with us and always brought us sweets, and liked her coffee with a trickle of Marie Brizard died. I didn't cry when my dad was at the hospital, and almost died. Or when he told us that at some point while he was there, he just wanted to go... 'I had a good enough life, can't it just end now?'

Everything sunk in. EVERYTHING. The condensation covered my car's windows and windshield, and I just couldn't stop crying. At some point I started heading home, still gasping for air, still weeping. When I got home, I run upstairs and went to my room, and locked it. I collapsed on the bed and thought to myself 'how highschool'. But I just couldn't stop.

I didn't cry when I busted my knee, or when my lungs and heart were being reset to their original locations, although I could barely take the pain. I didn't cry when my brother shot me.

And suddenly I was laying on my bed, crying mute cries, sobbing and trying to keep them quiet enough so my father wouldn't hear it from his study, although I knew he did.

Would I be able to look at myself again if I didn't do anything about this? Just a sentence, and everything was different, clearer, still drenched in fear and doubt, but those 2 shouldn't be taken into consideration, right?

She can say 'no'. She can choose the Viking. She can hate me if I go.

But I will hate me if I don't.

CHAPTER 3: The dust settlers

In which the events are told to others, and others give their advice, input, opinion, or don’t really give a f***.

After freaking out from all that information that had just been revealed, I needed some input. Well, first I needed to shower-scene, but then i needed some input.

Interesting fact that will last a paragraph and will make this post completely unstructured: many of my friends in the Philippines have (or have had) issues with Nemesis on the past; most of those issues were my fault though, as they began when I wasn’t ready to tell people about Nemesis and me... but that’s another story. Well, it’s the same story I always mention when I say it’s another. Now back with the ACTUAL story.

Who to turn to? Well, friends are friends, and so, luckily, they care about me... Maybe not a lot, but enough for me anyway.

So that night I turned to Controversial Friend, since we had already talked about watching a Zombie-ish movie (gotta love zombies) a few days back, and ‘Legion’ was available that night. I was quite... devastated, really. I had trouble breathing, standing, moving, and holding my tears inside my face, where they belong. And the movie sucked too!

I met up with Controversial Friend (a.k.a. CF) and her boyfriend PurpleBear (who, incidentally, is one of Viking’s best friends - yeah, the plot thickens) at Starbucks, and I proceeded to tell them what had happened, and they were really cool about it. They managed to not slap me in the face for being this emo, so that was nice of them.

I have been talking to CF for a while now and, despite her... not-OKness with Nemesis, she has always been eager to hear what i have to say, and supportive in a non ‘dudethatsucksandthatsit’ kinda way.Sometimes, things like “ if i were still her friend, i would kick her in the head. Then i would kick YOU in the head” are exactly what one needs to hear.

Another good friend advised discretion:

FoxFeeder: don't be so quick to turn around on it yet. We all feel a certain way when we see our exes. So you're still not over Nemesis. That we know now.
Me: I don't think I will make any life changing decisions just now. I shouldn't. But I must think about it.
FoxFeeder: next is, what do you want to do about it?
FoxFeeder: yeah, you shouldn't. not when you're this emotional. You need to find a way to strike a balance between your head and your feelings.

And then, back in Spain, I told a couple of friends. JMercury said that, in my situation, I could just wing it, if i think that’s what will make me happy. He’s explained how it wouldn’t be crazy to just leave. He has also told me that I should think about it calmly and not act on the spur of the moment.

My family... well, my mom started talking about her car (I guess I know where the repression comes from). And my dad told me that he just wants me to be happy, and that I should give me a couple of months to think about such a decision, and that I would need to get a job whether I end up living there, in London, in Spain or in Canada.

So, except for my mom’s (sorry, but that sucked), all of it good advice.

Everybody who loves me is telling me the same 2 things:

1.- We know it’s hard to think about ditching everything and leave, but we know you can do it. It’s hard, but it’s not crazy.

2.- Think about it calmly.

I have heard those things many times in my head, but it’s hard to tell crap from reality when you’re thinking about things as elusive as love or happiness.

What is true is this: I can’t be thankful enough for having such good friends and family around me. Friends who aren’t scared that I might fuck up, because (so they think) I’m better than that.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. - Anaïs Nin

I beg your pardon?

Lately I've been trying to say what's going on with me. Basically because I've spent way too long without expressing my (for lack of a better word) feelings, and it has all exploded in my very face. I have been saying it to my friends and family (the latter were shocked) and, on a different level, I've been saying stuff in facebook, Twitter, and here.

Yesterday I woke up early in the morning and posted the following on Facebook:

Ed just awoke from a dream where he had gone back to the Philippines.

Only to find this post today:

The Viking just awoke from a dream where it was time for pathetic people to stop being pathetic, pull themselves together and move on already.

Excuse me?!!! I think you're a decent guy and all; you put up with my shit that night, and I truly appreciated that. But who the hell do you think you are calling me "pathetic"? From what I know, YOU went back to the Philippines without even a place to stay, YOU crashed at Nemesis' for the longest time although she told you she needed the space and didn't want you there, YOU were about to move out but didn't when I was there because YOU felt afraid that she might leave you for this "pathetic" guy YOU're obviously still afraid of.

Sorry for trying to do the right thing and not be like you: carelessly fucking everything that moves, carelessly spreading your diseases to the people I love, carelessly moving to a different country without even planning what you will do there.

That post was NOT cool. It didn't even affect you. It didn't even say anything about Nemesis, or you. I think you've shown how insecure you are about me and Nemesis with that little post.

One of the big things that is bugging me about going back is you, Viking. I picture myself in your position and I feel really bad. But guess what? That BS you pulled there is slowly changing my mind about that. I can give Nemesis a better life than you could. And if she hasn't moved on, maybe it's for a reason. And if I haven't moved on, maybe it's for a reason. Maybe YOU should deal with that.

Who's the pathetic one? The one who lost the girl and is struggling to determine if he can retrace his steps so he can be happy, or the guy who has that girl right now and STILL feels so scared about the other guy that has to post insensitive comments on facebook to reassure himself?

When you fell for her, she wanted you to fall so she could break your heart afterwards, because of what you had done to her. That was her plan. After reading your post... I kinda want her plan to come true, and I sure would be glad as hell to help.

Would she choose me?

I know fear shouldn't be a factor to be taken into consideration when you're actually (finally) trying to find your own happiness, but something a friend said in a conversation has been bothering me quite a lot.

Me: ...and so I'm seriously thinking about moving to the Philippines and see if Nemesis and I can be happy together.

Dr.Ummer: Hmm... I think you should try and go there first just to check the situation out.

Me: What do you mean?

Dr.Ummer: I'm just saying, you don't wanna quit your job, leave your family, friends, and realize when you get there that she doesn't actually love you, and she'd rather stay with the Viking.

Me: Well, she has said she still has feelings for me, so...

Dr.Ummer: So? It's easy to say stuff.


One more thing to add to my list of insecurities. *sighs*

CHAPTER 2: Revelations

In which the past is changed, truths are revealed, two loves are professed, and the fan and the shit become best friends, form a heroic duo, and declare me their arch-rival.

“We need to talk” has never been the nicest of things to hear (or read); it’s a cliché for a reason, and that reason was revealed to me through 3 different YMs. Some of the things that happened the night before I remembered, some of them I didn’t, and some I still don’t.

(Since posting all the conversations would take way too much space, I’ll just go ahead and give you the highlights)

The previous night, after a couple of shots, I remember asking Nemesis:
- Ok, this will define the rest of this evening and probably of our relationship; do you want me to say what I feel it’s right or do you want me to say what I actually want to say?
- Say what you want to say.

That was the detonator. I’m not saying it was Nemesis’ fault, she couldn’t have foreseen what was about to happen, but after that, I started doing the following:
1.- Telling Nemesis that I love her.
2.- Telling the Viking that I loved his girlfriend.
3.- Reaching for Nemesis’ hand.
4.- Kissing Nemesis’ hand.
5.- Fixing Nemesis’ hair and brushing it off her face.
6.- Telling the Viking that I was thinking all night about kissing Nemesis.

I also carried her in my arms while she apparently giggled and “looked... happy or something”. I would swear that Nemesis asked me to, but apparently nobody remembers that part... not that it would've made a difference.

Oh, and I asked The Clinically Insane if she wanted to fuck (although the Viking jokingly suggested that).

I had never told Nemesis that I loved her.

And there I was, finally saying it... to her boyfriend.


After re-reading the logs for the 3rd time, I finally got a hold of a couple of sentences that my brain had refused to process:

The Viking and I think you're just .. repressed. That's all.

You're eerily polite and always do the proper thing.
Because you'd rather be proper than happy.
You know what, I think you should learn to live with that dude* instead of hiding him if that's what you're trying to do.

*. That dude: The guy I was the night before.


And this is how a bottle of José Cuervo and confronting my ex did more for me than my last 5 therapists.

All hail to the EPIC Jose.

I’ve been repressing pretty much everything for the longest time. I don’t really know if I’m supposed to be who I’ve turned out to be. My last real relationship ended 17 months ago and I just realized it now.

Oh, and apparently I still love Nemesis.

I suck. Moving on...

The whole situation is finally sinking in and I have been checking out the last 2 years of my Nemesis' posts.

Doing that, I have reached a few thoughts that have probably been quite enhanced by my jet lag:

1.- She's still quite teh awesome.

2.- She's suffered like a bitch, and some of that grief comes from your loyal Maître-D.

3.- I have been a repressed asshole. Not only I have hurt myself by repressing my innermost feelings, but I have hurt her way more than i thought.

4.- If I'm feeling like crap, shower-scening and all that, I fucking deserve it.

Aside from those realizations, I am still trying to go on with the plan.

What is the plan, you ask? I guess you'll have to wait for chapter 2. Or will it be on chapter 3?

Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong, but tonight you're on my mind, so you never know. -Jeff Buckley