Hostage

I GoT SoMeTHinG YoU wAnt. 

MeEt ME iN mAnILa in 27 DaYS. 

DoN'T CalL ThE POliCIA oR NO DeaL.  

PLus, THey'lL ThINk YOu'Re WEird.

Picture taken on Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The real story:

The other day (yesterday morning), I was going through my t-shirts and I bumped into a pseudo-familiar one. Definitely not mine, but... Wait! Isn't this Nemesis'? Nah... it can't be. I would have seen it months ago, right? Plus, why would I have it? She hasn't given it to me, and if she had, I'd have remembered. It must be my "wife's". So I give it to my wife but she says it's not hers. Many questions went into my head: WTF? Why do I have Nemesis' shirt?? And most importantly, why has it been washed clean?? Does it smell like her still?? Ngah...

So I did what any decent guy would do with a shirt that doesn't belong to him.

There, that should keep it company.

I hate...

…that I’m not more experienced at this boyfriend stuff.
…that I don’t know how to compartmentalize better.
…that you’ve chose to disappear from my reach today.
…that every ding, or beep that my computer does, I need to check if it’s you, saying something terrible or something great.
…that both things could make me feel worse.
…that I’m this insecure.
…that I sometimes can’t get over my own pain to help you with yours.
…that when I do, I don’t seem to help at all.
…that you use my moments of weakness to not trust me.
…that sometimes you don’t believe me.
…that I’m trying but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better.
…that I have to blog about it because telling just one person feels too intimate.
...that I'm not there with you now.
…thinking that I might not be good enough.

Take a deep breath... hold it...

As you may have noticed from yesterday's post, my mood's not the greatest due to some Nemesis-related events. We're still 30 days apart from each other, and that is taking a huge effort from both of us. I guess I was being less affected by it since, well, I have lots of things to do, and each of those things, although don't bring me closer to her geographically speaking, are necessary steps towards her. And also, they keep my mind occupied enough to not think constantly about how extenuatingly long it's taking for us to finally be together.

Although I think I know what's bothering Nemesis, I can't really do much to comfort her. She wants to be comforted, but I just can't do it, since each line of our chats is just another confirmation of me being here, and not there. She doesn't want solutions to her state, or explanations, or anything of that sort; she doesn't even want me to relate. She wants me, there. And we're still 30 days away from that; 30 long, terrible days. Different but the same for each.

It'll be a while before I get there. We're gonna have to learn how to live like this before we can exhale.

Fine

For the past week, conversations with Nemesis have gone from sweet, to pretty useless. I know she's not feeling too well, due to some stupid hormones combined with waiting, insecurities, and an LDR. I've been trying to help her in many ways: distracting her, trying to talk about it, rationalizing it, giving her space, psychoanalizing it, giving her my insight, trying to empathize, attempting to get her to go out and meet some friends to get some perspective... The results? All those conversations ended up way worse than they started. She's consistently told me that I don't get her, that I suck as a boyfriend, that I suck on many levels at making her feel any better, and that "the fact that  someone less important can make [her] feel better yet [I] can't" is bothering her.

Apparently I have to know how she feels without her telling me, not being able to see her (she didn't want to skype), while having her throw punches like those every 5 lines, dealing with her passive-aggressive crap, and feeling like I am an idiot who's doing everything he possibly can to be with a person that apparently thinks I'm a stupid, inept excuse of a pseudo-boyfriend.

Well, that's kind of hard isn't it? I bet that "someone less important" (whatever that means) who can make her feel better is actually able to see what she's going through. Every freaking time I've talked to her, it has ended up in me feeling like a worthless idiot, and her feeling annoyed at me. And yet, if I don't talk to her, she thinks I'm not doing it right, since I should keep trying and trying until I eventually get it, or else I'm just a lousy boyfriend. Oh, but wait! I ALREADY AM, AREN'T I? So, maybe, to be practical, I should say "fuck this shit": If I talk to her, she gets annoyed, and I feel like crap, stupid and angry; If I don't talk to her, I feel like crap, and she thinks I'm a lame boyfriend. So the only thing I need to assess is if having her think that I'm a lame boyfriend is worse than feeling stupid, angry, and having her annoyed instead... Hmm...

Dear Nemesis, I was having a really decent weekend until I talked to you today. So guess what? YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. Or are you the only one who has any right to feel bad? At least when you're feeling ok, I don't fuck it up for you just because I feel bad. And I certainly don't do that for an entire week. I haven't gotten a nice word from you in a long time. I am trying to make you feel better, but you just won't let me. If I'm having a bad day, I LET YOU help me. Today, after talking for a while, you said "FYI, none of  what you said made me feel any bit better. Just so you know. I don't... feel it to be true." Well, that is your fault, Nemesis. Because everything I said was, indeed, true. You just refuse to accept it. But it's ok, right? As you said, it's your shit.

It always begins like this:

Me: Good morning! How're you feeling?

Nemesis: I'm fine.

I'm getting tired of all the "fines", "shrugs", "rights", "mehs"...

Next time you talk to me, don't forget that fine isn't the same as F.I.N.E.

10 semi-random thoughts

1.- Sometimes trying to help doesn't help.
2.- When you got stuff on your plate, maybe it's best that you finish your serving by yourself, instead of helping others with theirs.
3.- Wait until you're invited? When does assertion become intrusion?
4.- I spend too much time thinking about things that don't help.
5.- Thoughts aren't real for anyone but you.

6.- The greatest mistakes are, sometimes, a result of a great potential gain, and, as such, they are never the former.
7.- We only feel our own, be careful to not disregard or even compare others' pain to yours, for they won't ever be the same.
8.- Waiting can be hard.
9.- Set a deadline or it won't get done.
10.- Regret and hope are inverse concepts; both can help you measure, but they're only tools, not ends.

Endings

I have finally told my bosses, and now most of the people in my company know that I'm leaving. I am trying to get a job (wouldn't it be great if I moved there with an actual income?), since I'll be pretty much unemployed for the 1st time in... 7 years or so. Damn, that's a long time. My bosses took it pretty well, and I'm happy to say that they've told me they will be there for anything that I might need. Just with that, they're helping already. I guess they don't hate me that much ofter all! Or maybe they're just trying to get me to stay as far from them as possible, haha!

Anyway, now I'm trying to find a place to stay, that may vary if/when I get a job. Thankfully I have Nemesis helping me with that. Nemesis will check out an apartment soon that could be pretty good for me if I don't get a job. If I do, that apartment will be good too, but I may be able to move to a bigger one without thinking about how my bank account is just taking loss after loss. And yes, I can lose money for a while and be ok, but I... well, I don't want to, basically. Also, I guess I like to work; I feel the need to get up every morning and do something productive, what can I say?

There's pressure and a sense of hurrying, and numbers to crunch, and fingers to cross, and... basically lots of things to do. I'm trying to finalize every project that I am handling now, trying to make a smooth leave from my job into unemployment, leaving every knot tied as hard as possible. This is the end of a chapter in my life, and turning a page is pretty exhausting, I guess this chapter was way too long already.

I really need some rest. I'm collapsing A LOT. Last weekend I slept for 15 hours one night. That's... slightly more than what I sleep in 4 days. That's how tired I am. But, surprisingly, what REALLY leaves me rested is doing what I've always done. Going to a bar and grabbing a beer and some hotdogs and bacon burgers. Those things that I've been doing since I was 16, those things I can do out of inertia... THAT does it for me. The 15 hours? I guess doing those things also give me a sense of belonging that gives me peace of mind. Maybe the greatest goodbye is the one that doesn't feel different from any other.

Dreams come true

I haven't been sleeping well lately; I have trouble going to bed, and also, for obvious reasons, getting out of it. This has been happening all my life, don't worry. But today I didn't feel like going to the gym, so I laid on top of my bed, with a book in my hand instead. I hadn't opened it yet, and I was already asleep.

I heard a sound, or felt a vibration... can't remember which, but I sat on the edge of my bed and saw this message on my Twitter account, coming from Nemesis:



I had received it also as a text message. That made me smile, and exhale. It made me feel like everything was fine. Better than fine. We might be having a bad day, but it's all good now, we understand, we...

And then I opened my eyes to a blurry spine, to the side of my bed, to reality. I never received that message. We're still in the middle of this stupid drama; a mix between hormones, fear, and a lack of understanding. I checked, half asleep, her latest tweets: something about her parking space, one about punching walls or balls, and one calling me "nakakainis", "tanga".

Great.

I don't know if this whole thing is sinking in for her now or if she's having a bad day, or what. What I do know is that I am about to leave everything behind for a person that, at least sometimes, considers me an annoying idiot. I calm down, and I understand that she's not having a good day, and I... well, repress my wanting to talk about whatever the hell it is that's making her act that way. I give her space, and I wait. Maybe not without feeling guilty, without feeling like all those things she's thinking I am at this very moment.

Did we feel more for each other when the whole decision, the drama, was hanging over our heads? Is this how we know that the "honeymoon period" is over? She's been saying that these are going to be the longest 2 months ever. Maybe that's true for her, but it's not for me. I miss her, and I'd love to be with her this very moment, but waiting for something to arrive isn't half as bad if you know it IS going to arrive. Or maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she's having second thoughts. Maybe that's her way of torturing herself, I don't know. If that's what's going on, I guess she should know that I am joining in on her own personal home-made torture. That's the funny thing about couples: If one's pissed, the other has no other choice but to feel guilty, hurt, pissed back, or a combination of all three.

For now, I'll just have to try and go back to sleep, and hope that reality feels a bit more like that dream this time.

OMW

These past days I haven't been posting much. You're welcome.

Basically I've been letting all this sink in, telling all the friends who bothered to ask (David hasn't yet, so maybe he doesn't know), and trying to figure out what to take, how, and all those things I mentioned on my earlier post. I have also set a date to leave.



I keep talking to Nemesis almost everyday, and I feel great about the whole thing. This is the greatest decision I have ever made, and actually making it happen is something refreshing, inspiring, and, well, still a bit scary. But what is a man to do when he has his answer right in front of him? Denying it, or pretending there isn't a question would be easy, but it would not be right. Maybe I've been reading Ayn Rand a bit too intensely.

Soon enough I'll be there. But as Nemesis said, "anything could happen it these 2 months". My first reaction would be to think about the bad things that could happen, but all those "bad things" would be just a result of my fears, and I've talked about those WAY too many times.

I still have to organize and arrange many things; fortunately, my mind isn't one of them.

And now

I finally have the answer from Nemesis. It made me really happy to finally have it and, at the same time, I have needed a couple of days to let it sink in.

First, I told a friend who IM'ed me out of "good vibes". Then, I told FavoriteCousin and JMercury, because they asked. After that, I've told a few more friends, and, a couple of hours ago, I told my parents. They were... having trouble understanding what I was saying. I told them that I finally had the confirmation from Nemesis, and that I would be leaving in a couple of months to see if we can make it as a couple. My father asked "so you have a job there, then?" I said "no". I told him that I was thinking about telling my bosses that I would be leaving in a couple of months, and that I would probably need a week of vacation fairly soon, in order to arrange some things (maybe take a trip with a couple of friends?). My father said "no, I think it's better that you don't tell them until you have a job there". I said "and what if I don't get a job there by the time I'm leaving?" I think he had trouble understanding the concept of me leaving, job or not. But anyway.

So I have to arrange some things now. I mean, I've told a few people, and soon everybody will know. And now what?



What do I bring? What do I leave behind? What about my job here? What about my job there? Where am I gonna live? What do I do with my car? And my friends? Probably a couple of farewell parties will be in order.

I'll be leaving by the end of June. My mom said "so you won't be here for your niece's birth?" I asked "When is she due?" "August." "Then no. Unless I come back to see her." Part of me was sad that I might not be here when Dr.Brother's daughter arrives, but I'm already delaying my trip almost an entire month, and things will continue happening, and confusing me, and I won't let them get in the way anymore.

The reason I'm writing all this is, well... partly because I was re-writing my CV and the Stupid M@##¢@÷∞¬#ing Word crashed and I needed some non-curricular (pun intended) activity. Partly because that's where I'm standing now, and because part 2 of this blog that you, my friends, are avoiding with all your heart's love, is about to begin. Hopefully all the drama and the emo crap will end now.

Wrapping my head around it

Don't Worry...

This 'one post a day' isn't gonna become a thing. But I have felt the need to set things straight now that my head isn't going crazy from all the pressure, deadlines, questions, waiting.

The worst thing about a war is not knowing what is really going on. I don't know what has been going on in Nemesis' life for the past 2 days. And I was supposed to, at least in my head. I've been waiting for something that has been evasive at best, and every time it has avoided me, I have had trouble swallowing the first few bites of the new situation. Luckily, at some point, perspective kicks in and I see things more clearly. And they get clearer and clearer every day... until the next deadline or change of plans, at least.

I'm gonna drop the ifs and the maybes for this one. Do I know what has happened? No. That concept is simple enough, right?

What I know is that Nemesis is facing a life-changing decision; not only for her, but for her daughter, and for me. I think she has, indeed, started walking down that path. And I know, because I've felt something similar recently, that asking anybody to do something they would never do if you didn't ask them can become quite a weight on your shoulders. This path can be quite a bitch, I tell you. When that happens, you have to deal with it in any way you can. Sometimes it involves getting smashed and regroup later, or cry for hours until exhaustion takes over and you can think about it with a steady mind. Or meeting some friends, talk about it, go home, be back on square one again, and then repeat until the cycle breaks and throws you (hopefully) on the right direction.

When I screwed up my knee and I was going to my first day of physical therapy, I remember thinking about how awful it was, that I screwed up my knee age 27, and had to have surgery, and that maybe it wouldn't be 100% fine again. And then I walked into the room: Some thirty something guy whose legs ended over the place where his knees where; a kid, barely in his twenties learning how to walk with articulated, metallic legs... How dared I think that my situation was hard?

Our pain hurts the most because it is us that feel it. But that doesn't make it right.

So yeah, my situation, my waiting is a bitch. So what. Nemesis' situation might be her hardest yet. My friends are all watching out for me, and I thank you for that, but I understand that Nemesis is taking a couple of days off. She needs to have a clear mind, and that takes some time, that requires some kind of a process.

Sometimes waiting can sting, but only for the first few minutes.

From the beginning, all I asked Nemesis was to try and find in herself if she would be happy giving us chance. I never gave her any deadlines because it's an important decision. There have been, however, many deadlines. The latest was hers. But this "project" needs to be right when it's delivered. I don't want it to be rushed. I know she's working on it.

Just gotta get out

I'm just writing this because I'm going out of my mind, and a little bit into it too.

Everybody's been asking me (understandably) if I have an answer already. Well, I don't. I have... hints. Nothing more than that. I've had several deadlines (none of them imposed by me), several cancellations of those deadlines, and a deep sense of anxiety every time one of those came up.

The first hint today was this:



So I guess she finally talked to the Viking. As soon as I saw it, I checked. She wasn't online. The second and third hints were these other tweets:



I saw these two as I was arriving to my house. The one below was also posted on her blog. I guess she has trouble delivering "The Answer". That's... understandable whether it is yes or no. The steel-enforced line... am I going to want to kick her "cojones" when she tells me? The one above could mean that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and to me. Or that she's saying goodbye to the Viking and I'll be saying goodbye to my life here. Or nothing about that at all.

If she's trying to keep me on my toes, well, it IS working. I have been a fucking mess since the "ahdunno" line. If she's trying to see how long I can endure... Well, the only way to know that is to get me to the point where I can't anymore, right? Is that how it works? Is that payback?

I know I've been talking nonsense for the last 3 posts. Maybe reasonable nonsense, but not very positive or hopeful nonsense. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Those maybes aren't really quantifiable anyway, are they? The only thing that I can tell for sure is that I am going out of my fucking mind with all this. I don't know what the Hell it is going on AGAIN. Once again I'm feeling like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen.



My brother has asked me if I want to watch some game I do not care so much about with some friends. Some other friends are doing some dinner plans and maybe go out somewhere afterward for a few drinks or whatnot. And I'm having a headache, pissed, angry, scared and frustrated, in front of the computer, trying to figure out if I should stay here and wait for Nemesis to appear with some kind of answer to hold on to or if I should just go somewhere and try to clear my head from all this. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stop thinking about this unless I get kinda drunk or tipsy at least. And I have to drive back home, so that may not be the best idea. If I go anywhere in this mood, I might also ruin everybody's night, and also will probably have to talk about all this with no data at all about why Nemesis isn't saying anything, while trying to hold the frustration inside me so I don't start freaking out in front of people I don't see that often and that might think I'm going crazy. Sadly, they might be right.

I bet Nemesis isn't having that great of a day herself, don't get me wrong. I'm not so selfish, no matter how I may look right now... I get it. I know this shit is intense, and very hard. But I really would appreciate not being left on the side. A simple "Will you be available tomorrow to talk?" Would be enough. Something to hold on to that I am not making up inside my head.

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go drinking. If I stay here I'm going to start getting another fucking panic attack. Now THAT would be funny. Nemesis tells the Viking that she wants me, and I die alone that very same night. Like Romeo and Juliet but with all communications working perfectly.

Have a good night.

0

Maybe a bit late with all these thoughts, but I'm gonna make this post a rant that's, I think, necessary. And yes, I'm pissed off right now. I hope it'll help me vent.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm begging for someone to let me into her life. I am not losing my self respect; I know I have a low self esteem and all that, and I'm fine with that, because that just means I have quite a threshold  before you can actually hurt me. But we're getting there. I'm starting to feel hurt in that way. The little self respect that I wish to keep is starting to resent a few things, and maybe we're just playing, but people get hurt like that all the time.



I am sick of being "the guy that left 2 years ago". That should stop  already. It was funny for a while, but not anymore. I should remind  Nemesis that she wasn't told to wait for me these 2 years. I didn't tell  her that I was thinking about going back for her, that I loved her, and  that we could be together if she just waits for another 2 weeks, another month, another 10 days... for 2 years. I am not "fucking away my pain"  while I wait either, or starting new relationships with those "fuck buddies". So do NOT compare my wait with her wait, because it is  nothing of the sort. I will not be guilty-ed into that, because it will  do me no good. And if she says yes, that will make one third of "us"  unhappy.

I am sick of waiting. The very few who have been reading my posts  from the beginning probably have seen how all this is making me feel  worthless. All the ups and downs are pretty much killing me up to a  point where even the stable "middles" are teeth clenching at best. Of  course my friends are getting sick of this shit! My life is revolving  around this whole issue that is being delayed and delayed, and  "deadlined", and dropped, and "re-deadlined" again. They have seen me  devastated, numb and trying my best to hold my shit together for months,  while I actually wait.

If Nemesis says yes, there will be stuff (a lot) that we will just have to drop. Or else this whole thing, this "us" is doomed.

1

Day 1 is over. It has been over for an hour and 6 minutes ago, so I guess this is one of those countdowns that end in zero.

Nemesis was going to meet the Viking today, but I think she finally couldn't. The Viking had a shoot (he's an actor/developer), and I guess he finally couldn't make it.

I don't know what Nemesis wants to tell him, but I'm pretty sure she has an answer already. Still, she refuses to give it away. I'm fine with that, since, as we know now, this countdown goes all the way to zero. So I guess today will be the day we finally get an answer. Or maybe not. I asked Nemesis if she would give me her answer tomorrow, and she said "ahdunno .."

:|

It might have been that I had been waiting at the office for too long, or that I was feeling hungry, or that I felt hot and sweaty, but that answer didn't feel good at all. I said bye shortly after that and left. She probably didn't notice that I was being serious. If I were her, if I hadn't had anything to do, this post might have been quite different.

I'm still cranky though. Should I write what I feel now? Should I write what I felt?

2

Day 2 is almost over.

Things today haven't really changed, but not saying anything would leave the countdown hanging. To be honest, this post is just for continuity's sake.

There have been musicals, there were stories. There was creative improvisational suggestive writing, and one way audio communication. There was some carpet cleaning, and fumes coming from it. There was very little talk about the situation, although she did post something on her blog.

The last day is tomorrow. But the last day for what? I feel like we're in Lethal Weapon 3; is it a one, two, and let's do this on three, or is it a one, two, three, and then we do this? Either way, I'll be fine. Thinking in terms of time at this point isn't doing me any good...

I'm too old for this shit. -Sergeant Roger Murtaugh

3

Confidence is slowly becoming more a part of me that I expected. By now, I expected me to fall apart, to ask for a couple of days off or to just call in sick due to the extreme anxiety/drama/crapamount. But no, I am actually feeling good about all this. Maybe it's because of all the advice and support from my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not letting myself think about the worst, as I used to do (thanks Juaninamillion). Maybe it's because perspective has actually kicked in.

Have I said it before? If she is so much like me, and feels about me the same way I feel about her, the only reasons why she would say no are so powerful, so daunting, so vast, that it'd be ok.

The fear of the "no", the fear of rejection, of the unknown, of the reaction I might have if this thing that I'm doing -putting everything on the line for something that could make me happy- doesn't work, it would be fine. I will be fine. Everything will change and will transform into something that could, maybe one day, be put on the line again.

But I refuse to live a life where I cannot risk it all for something. That would be lowering my standards, and, that way, lowering myself.

Do I have fears? Yes, of course. Not fearing anything would make life too vain, too boring. What would we fight against then? I just have to deal with them whichever they are, as best as I can, and then I'll be alright. Nothing can haunt you if you're doing your best, right?

The very foundations of this situation we have created still stand, no matter how easily we forget them; this is all for the best of all of us. Day 2 just started. Wish us all luck.

4

Sorry for not keeping up with the days on my posts. I have been writing one day after the actual title, so this is day 3 actually. Very early day 3, though, if that counts. And I'm posting it at the very (VERY) beginning of 2!

Yesterday was a "big day" for Nemesis; she had many, many questions to answer. She had a job interview, she had a quiz, and... well, she had this ongoing question that she has to answer in a few days. She managed to rock the first two; she may not have much experience at them, but, with a little help from her friends, she did really well in both. We were lucky enough to talk for a while before going to bed, and she was... well, drunk, exhausted, and funny as ever. With all the crazy going on, she and I (who was still sober) managed to talk about our days with the giddy excitement that the sense of accomplishment (plus inebriation) can give.

We talked about her day, about mine, about this situation... and everything felt... just right.



Who said that small days can't be great? Oh... that's right. Nobody.

5

Talking to Nemesis always makes me happy. Of course, sometimes we talk about this "situation" and/or all the crap that we're both going through and sometimes those conversations can get a bit steamy. Still, at the end of the day, we can't stop smiling like two teenagers in love.

We're in the middle of this (the last?) deadline. I can't help but feel excited, scared, and, overall, hopeful. All my fears disappear when I see Nemesis. When I look into her pixelated eyes and see her pixelated smile slowly becoming a giant, 1000 volt grin that makes me feel connected to her. All the understanding lies within those moments of sheer, pure, honest complicity.

All my pessimism, all the worst-case scenarios that I keep playing in my mind, all the ways I've picture myself to react if she finally says 'no', if she, with a few carefully chosen words decides that she doesn't want to give me a chance, breaking me in the process... it all fades when I look at her. It may not be rational, but that doesn't make it any less real.

For now, all I need is hope. The faith I need, she gives to me, maybe unknowingly, everytime we see each other.

6

I am going to try to hope for the best for the next few days. Thoughts of Nemesis saying 'no' keep haunting me, and just those are painful in ways I had never known. Thinking of a life without her is the most terrible feeling; I don't think being this in sync with anybody is something common (it certainly isn't normal for me), and losing that, consciously giving up on it, stupid as it may sound to many, can break me apart. I am talking to her every day, and I know each of them can be the last. We talk about all kinds of stuff, and maybe not too much about the situation, which might be a mistake. I'm trying to let her know how I am in a normal-ish way and, yeah, also keeping some of the painful thoughts away.

She's been saying today that she never acted like a girlfriend when she was with me. That I don't know what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. Was that a warning? Was that her way of telling me that she's going to say 'no'? It's not her being a girlfriend I'm in love with, but her, as she is, no sugarcoats or additives; no more, no less.

She's also doubted my words, when I said I am fully committed to us. As I mentioned on my previous post, actions and words are two different things. But I don't lie. I am an honest guy, and if I say I'm going to do something, I will do it. I may not have been honest to myself for way too long, true, but that has changed. If she says 'yes', I will be all in; no sugarcoats, no additives; no more, no less.

I'm all in.

I've spent 30 years of my life looking for this, and at last I can do something about it. Honoring this is honoring myself, and I will not deny myself anymore. I AM all in for us. Are you?

7

Waking up to your loved one sending you their wishes for the day is definitely a nice feeling.

After a few minutes of "bed conversation", she went ClinicallyInsane on me, since I mentioned to her how lucky she was for having a friend that understood her that well emotionally. So she suggested that I went there already. As in 'now'. I thought about it seriously, and I realized after a few minutes torturing myself that I shouldn't "just go" regardless of her answer, leaving everything behind just like that. That suggestion hit me like a car; the simplified truth that gets rid of all the context. My commitment is full and, if she says yes, I will prove it. But the commitment, the effort, should be balanced. As much as I want her to agree to take me back, it cannot be because of me going there. She should love me enough to ask me to go. I'll do the rest.

A great album and quite an appropriate cover

At some point I turned it around: "what about you? If I asked you to pack and come here to Spain, leaving everything (but her daughter and a few things) behind, would you do it? I'll send you the money and get you the necessary papers for the visas and all that." She mentioned the red tape of the Philippines, but she said, with a confidence that I had trouble judging, "yes". She said "I thought of this 2 years ago, and I haven't changed my mind."

But if that were true, why hasn't she said yes already?

Questions are questions, and actions are actions; both Nemesis and I, for different reasons, have trouble doing some of the latter.

We both need some time to get our minds around certain things, and we both face them in very different ways. We are very alike, and that gives me hope: we both feel the same.

8

Many things happened yesterday: I woke up with a huge headache, and I went to the office where the meetings were constant. While I was there, I thought to myself "I should be talking to Nemesis instead of this guy", but tried to keep my shit together if only to keep appearances. Not that my boss doesn't know about this; I did tell him that I was thinking about living in the Philippines, and I could see in his face that he was afraid that I would leave "just like that". Obviously, telling him that didn't make him give me a raise right away. It's cool, it's cool, I'm hating my job lately anyway.

I am still anxious about all this period, and I hit a really big low when I was telling Nemesis. She tried to pick me up, and, after struggling for a few minutes, she actually did. She gets me. She can say exactly what's right in order to make me react. That, sadly, doesn't happen with many other people. With anybody, really.


When I got home, we talked. She told me about her job-interview, she saw me cooking, and I tried comforting her when I noticed how scared she was that there was a fire outside.

We kept talking about everything and anything, all night long.

Going to bed feeling happy is a wonderful feeling.

9

I didn't sleep too well tonight. I went to bed with eNemesis, who had trouble sleeping and, everytime I opened my eyes (which happened every hour or so), I wanted her to be there. That happened just twice.

Today I woke up from a dream where I was lookung for an album while dogs bit my legs and the song 'Heartbreak warfare' was playing. I shower-scened, and felt, once again, heartbroken. Well, something close to that; I've never had my heart broken, since, as it seems, I've never had a heart.

After the shower, I thought about questions like "Has she said anything?""Any news?""When are you leaving for Manila?" All those questions that are being asked frequently by my friends, along with "Have you ever had your heart broken?" I tried to chuckle at the fact that all those questions have the same answer: not yet. I realized I felt like someone was pushing me down. Physically. Raising my head and standing up straight has taken me quite some effort today. Then the maid said with a smile, as I was pouring some orange juice downstairs: You're gonna be alone again, huh?

While on the car, on my way to the office I've learnt to detest, I didn't play any music. If I don't have anybody telling me about love or relationships, I should be ok, I thought. Once again I was wrong. I Facebooked: Back to square 3. Chest pains, heavy breathing, not-so-safe driving... I hope for the 'yes', but I can feel the 'no' materializing before me.

It's 9:30ish in the morning and my day already feels unbearable. Why am I not in Manila already? Even one of my co-workers asked me if I was ok. I must look like I feel.

10

The final date has been set. In 10 days from now, she will let me know if she is willing to overcome her fears and try and be happy with me or if she won't. The countdown is a bitch, but I guess it's better to know than not to know, right?

Through these past weeks, I've told you about how I've felt without fears of looking like a pussy, or a helpless sap, or a plain romantic. And now, it's almost over. The wait, I mean. Every single day will be full of silent sighs, venting here often, and hoping I have enough strength to hold my shit together.

I hate to reference anything by this guy, but it kinda fits.

I'm trying to be as cool as possible about all this. The thought of being heartbroken scares me to death, though. If she says no, I hope I'll have your support. I am really gonna need it. If she says yes, well... We will have a couple of farewell parties, dinners, and I'll be off in a month. I should be there by the first week of June. Keep your fingers crossed.

As much as I would like to think only about her saying 'yes', I can't. I have to take 'no' into consideration. It's either that or not thinking about it at all.

10 days.

10 days before love turns into a greater expression of it, or turns into a big, giant, unknown, scary creature.

10 days before I know how much love is worth for her.

Wish us luck, will you?

Blocking and unblocking

Today I did something kind of stupid. Not that I never do, but this was a different kind of stupid.

Nemesis posted an entry a few weeks ago that mentioned something that we are both fans of, and I replied a few times in a playful way, inside-joking and all that. A few hours ago, I heard some news about that thing and hurried excitedly to post it under her comment section on her blog, not noticing that I was still logged in Wordpress as SatanPridefulDiner. After realizing this, and after googling "removing comments from wordpress", I realized that I couldn't simply undo what I had done.

The countdown had begun: Nemesis was about to arrive home and she isn't supposed to know about all this... I mean, she knows I blog, but I have never told her where it is because it might affect my "catharsis" in a bad way. So I began doing the only logical thing I could do without actually thinking first: I started password-protecting every entry (Hogad), and I moved my blogger blog to a super secret site (I know).

When she arrived, I told her what had happened and she hurried to check it out, to find it... well, password-protected entries. What started playfully as a 'Imma find your password' game, started getting a bit more serious, and then I realized I don't need to keep this shit away from her. This is the EMOest part of me, but it's still me so, if she ever decides that she wants to give us a try, she should know about all the sides of me. So I started removing every password while she was giving me an "I don't give a fuck, I don't have the right to be pissed anyway!" attitude and typing quite loudly.

Before she even checked my blog again, she made a post about it to vent a little bit. I didn't really care anymore about her reading my blog, or about her venting about everything (lord knows she vents a lot), but I did care about the whole "I don't care" attitude because, frankly, I want her to care.

Accepting her reading my stuff is the ultimate frontier for me; I know it's absurd, but I didn't want her to read all this because it could undermine my own self-expression (and yes, I sound like a 1970s cliched feminist hippie), and I needed to say what's going on without thinking that she might be reading it. That was my mistake.

Jumping from a plane without thinking about it is easy; is knowing that you could die and jump that's valuable. If I can't say (write) these things to her face (screen), I'll be stuck in a semi-repressed state that won't allow me to fully deal with this.

So here it is: Nemesis, this is me. Blog, meet Nemesis.

Acceptance.

When you're a kid, you do not think that much about things around you. As you grow up, being accepted, or creating a status or a reputation becomes increasingly important. How we are perceived by others is not only a matter of oneself; people will see you not only as you project yourself to be, but as they've learned to perceive people who project that image that you're conveying. The peak on the perception/importance graph probably occurs during our teenage years, and, sometimes, a bit later.

Later in life, you understand that it is impossible to be perceived the same way by everybody. Some people will see you as a great, understanding, kind fellow, while others will perceive you as a false, pretentious bastard. And yet, both groups of people might have seen you doing the exact same things, acting the exact same way.

Social conventions and education can help you appeal to a bigger demographic, but, let's face it, nobody can be liked by everyone. People will dislike you no matter how hard you try, how kind or generous you try to be. I remember accepting this fact when I was 16 years old. Some people don't ever accept it, and others thrive for unacceptance, joining that way a different demographic of acceptance.

I don't struggle to be accepted, because I don't really try. I think I'm not a bad guy, a jerk, or a pathetic piece of scum. I do question those things about myself, since I can, accidentally, act like one, and I don't think that avoiding those thoughts can be healthy, the same way that I think that religion, God, or even Love must be questioned. I don't need to be accepted by everybody. I won't try to be accepted by most, even. There's only a few people who I would fight for in order to be accepted. And those are the people who I like to call friends. I have hurt a few friends in my time, sadly. And I have, always, managed to explain myself well enough so that they can understand. And luckily, they have never disappointed me. I'm proud of those people, really proud.

I will not pretend to be as naïve as to think that we don't need to accept ourselves first, or to think that we need to be accepted by anybody at all to live happily. But sometimes -very rare times in my case-, being accepted by somebody can mean the difference between happiness and "just another day".

Some of you 2 readers might be thinking "does this guy have a point?" My answer: Yes.

Don't judge me, you're the ones who read all through my crap.

Idle Hands

Today I received a text from Nemesis, asking me if I was ok. I am not. We met up and skyped for a few minutes. We decided to stop talking today.

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, as they say. And yesterday my hands were extremely idle. I pretty much used them to torture myself over every little thing that could bug me. Everything that could hurt about the Viking, I took. Everything that could hurt me about Nemesis, I kept. Everything that I hated about me, I did, thought, chewed and swallowed. And then, no vent, no escape, no buffer, no release. Up to a moment when I probably wouldn't have cared about anything anymore, that lasted until today, for now, and consumed every possible chance of letting all that crap go.

I hate it that I did this to myself. I am not like this, and I sure as hell don't want to.

Today Nemesis wanted to cheer me up a little, and I didn't let her; I brought her down with me. And now I am relieved, because I hate me enough for that. Enough to feel something, at last. Even if it is the sickening feeling of contempt and loathing towards myself.

I'm really sorry, Nemesis. You didn't deserve that. If anybody can understand me now, that's you.

Nothing.

Although I did want to do something, I have stayed at home all day today. I've been doing... not much. It's 23:37 and I have had 2 yogurts for merienda. No lunch. No breakfast. No drinks. I have taken a shower, and I have played the piano for a while, but not even an entire piece. I haven't watched a movie, or read a single line of anything that wasn't inside a screen. I haven't thought about work, or plans, or love, or... nothing. I have talked to 2 people in the entire day; Nemesis (happy birthday) and SerBassIm. Nobody called, nobody texted, nothing really has happened today. And almost all the nothing I've done today was Nemesis' related. I've spent hours doing a lot of nothing for her, about her.

I ordered a pizza an hour and a few minutes ago and it hasn't arrived yet. Today Real Madrid is playing against Barcelona; this game is usually an event. People get together and watch it with beers at some bar, or stay at home and have dinner and drinks in front of the TV. It's kind of like the Superbowl in the states. If you're not into football, you can go pretty much anywhere, because you can get a table easily.

And yet, this day is failing me. I am feeling quite "meh" about everything. I just watched an episode from some comedy and I doubt I have gotten any close to smiling. I've spent part of my day thinking about Nemesis, and all I feel is... not love. I feel like she's playing with me. And I know she isn't, but it's hard to pretend that you are sure that she's not punishing me because of what I did to her; not because she wants to, but because maybe she thinks she should.

Maybe it's the nothingness talking. It has taken over the rest of my day, after all.

The pizza finally arrived, an hour and 20 minutes after I ordered it. Now I'm gonna watch a movie that Nemesis recommended. I don't know if that counts or not. I don't know if I want to watch it, or if I want to eat this pizza. Everything's finally ready to do something, and I don't know if I want to do it. Maybe Nemesis feels the same way.

Repressing again.

*sighs*

Closes window.

unHoly Week

5 days of crazy. Well, not really.

Sometimes you allow yourself to think beyond your usual self, and most of the times it scares the hell out of you to think about acting on it, instead of disregarding it as crazy, absurd, or unrealistic. But then again, those things sometimes might be the right choice.

They were 5 days with Nemesis, and almost 2 just getting there and back. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

I spent most of the time on the plane from Amsterdam to Manila thinking about how happy it made me to be able to do what I was doing, and thinking about what to expect. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't, most of the times I had to refrain myself from thinking about it because... well, because it could go wrong, right?

Well, the worse that could happen was that we didn't click, that we didn't work, that the 'spark' wasn't there. So "be calm", and let the fates decide.

She picked me up at the airport, but you already know about that.

Everything clicked, all the sparks were there, and everything seemed to work. We spent as much time as we could with each other, and we couldn't deny that we still are good together.

We laughed a lot, we cried a little, we tied some knots, recorded some memories and had a killer time. All quite unHoly, as expected, not as planned. We ARE an ex-JC and his Nemesis after all, diba?

I learned about me, about her, about the Viking, about old friends, about new ones. I drove an automatic car for the first time. We barely ate, we listened to old favorites, and we missed each other in advance. We said things we couldn't say before.



A lot and very little happened during those 5 days. Fair, finally, is fair.
I'll talk to you in a month, if we can wait that long.

Advice

Me: I've never been heartbroken. Any advice you'd like to offer?
Nemesis: Get used to it.

Insufficient data

When expectations are too high, you are most likely to get disappointed.

Nemesis and the Viking broke up. The 2 week period did not last 7 days. And then Nemesis told me that, as he had suggested, we shouldn't talk for a month. That goes for all; him an her, me and her.

Fair is fair, she said, we shouldn't talk either. But fairness isn't a part of this, it never was. During one of our Skype conversations, one that was supposed to break us up for a month, I ended up suggesting that I go there and spend Holy week together. Her smile was enough to do it. A couple of calls and I was almost packing. It's just 5 days or so, but I really wanted to see her, to be with her, to know if this whole thing was real. The worst thing that could happen was that I went there and we didn't click, right? Nemesis asked her closest friends for a vote in the matter, and most of them agreed that I should come. And so I did.




I barely told anybody (sorry, guys, I sincerely apologize), but I guess I didn't keep it quiet enough. The few people who knew (mainly Nemesis' closes friends), or the things I said/posted must have been enough for the Viking to know. He had another talk with Nemesis, saying that it WAS an actual break up now, whatever that means.

Nemesis picked me up at the airport, and we went to have some brunch. We talked, we laughed, I blamed the jet lag for my bad jokes, and she took me to my hotel. And God, she's still... her.

That same night, we went to meet Nemesis' friends. It was a fun night, and I was partly scared, partly excited about the grilling that was destined to occur. But nothing much really happened during dinner, really. They asked me why I was there, and I explained, basically. And then, after dinner, Nemesis' Brain arrived. And that's when the whole thing got harder.

She asked me in English a lot of questions, and explained a few things. Then she talked to Nemesis in Filipino, not noticing that I was going through a hard time doubting about what all the "Viking", "Spaniard", etc was about. "It's ok", I thought to myself. Then we talked some more, and the conversation started going a bit gentler on me at the end. The verdict? "Insufficient data". There's not enough information about me to know if I could be the best candidate for Nemesis. Breaking up and getting back up again is hard, and it takes a lot out of you, and in Nemesis' case, maybe a bit too much, as she's gone through quite a few intense ones. Is the risk worth her life? The only thing in my favor is that Nemesis loves me.

As I write these lines, she's sleeping behind me, after spending most of yesterday in my bed and a few hours with her daughter. I think I've slept barely 3 hours today, and all that I can think of is that I don't know what will happen. I know I love Mara, and I wish I could be with her, but the Brain was right, we don't know if I'll be with Nemesis forever, or if it won't work out because I'm not ready to be in a serious, adult relationship. I'm a gamble. And the data isn't enough to know the odds.

:|

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm going a bit out of my mind these days.

Apparently, the only thing that has changed in the entire situation is that now there's a deadline. The Viking is still living in Nemesis' house, and, according to her, she could use more space on that side of her life. She only has one weekend to actually think about it, and I bet the Viking won't let her be unless Nemesis really asks him to. And he probably would not leave without a couple of punches below the belt as a signature move.

I have offered Nemesis that she chooses a resort of her liking so she can think about all of this. Of course, she said no. And as always, I told her that my offer still stands.

I've been trying to do... stuff. To keep my mind busy. I've been going to the movies, shopping, doing chores, finding, buying, ordering, and trying to get some things I wanted to send Nemesis, and envelopes or boxes for them (it sounds silly, but one of the things needs a freaking huge envelope! - had to make it myself)... And blogging. Well, you know about that.



And then today, my brother called me and, after asking me how everything was going (I guess my brother hasn't gotten sick of the whole issue yet), pointed out one of the big disadvantages of my situation:

"Why aren't you there already? If Nemesis is trying to decide between a guy who's there, and the idea of a guy who's talking to her through the internet... "



He even offered to pay for the flight. Everybody's so happy to see me like this, to see me... well, in love. They don't see that often (that means never). And I can't help but think that I'm just a ghost competing against real, living humans. It doesn't matter how fast I run, I will never be able to hold a medal.

And so, here lies the question: Should I just go there? When? Is it any good if I go there to visit after the two week period is over? Should I just go there for the weekend? Or should I stay and hope for Nemesis to make her choice?

Math

Two weeks. Two weeks since the 18th, when I got that message:

2 x 7 days so she can make up her mind, so she can choose.
2 x 7 = Nemesis' happiness = N

2 x 7 - x

x = 24h of screaming and yelling + sleepless nights + Friday video+ a silent weekend +(2 days of digesting)/(Viking+Me) = 5 days

2 x 7 - 5 = 9 days

9 days for Nemesis to find out where her happiness is.

9 days = 3 work days + weekend + 4 work days = N(t)

When:


9 days to find N
9 days to break a heart, or 2.
9 days to give up.


Oh, and, incidentally:

March 18th + 2 x 7...


That's right. Happy April Fool's day.
I hope that the joke isn't on N. Wish us luck.

Good times, bad times

Some days are good.

Friday was good. Nemesis was pretty fucked up after telling the Viking, and, after a while, we had a video chat. She was feeling really awful about it; imagine telling your boyfriend that you're having doubts for almost 24 hours starting at 4 a.m. After a few minutes of both of us feeling like crap about the whole thing, I decided to get Nemesis' mind off the issue and try to make her feel less miserable. There's plenty of misery in her life already. After a few hours, she was saying that her face hurt from smiling that much. How can one not feel happy about that?

Today, however, wasn't that good.

There isn't a real reason for it. Nemesis and I talked, she was feeling tired, then numb, then aggressive... And I was feeling scared. All the time. Still, I tried to make her feel better, because I know she's having it way worse than me. Sometimes, every line you say makes you feel like more and more of an idiot. You don't really need to say anything stupid; it's just you: something inside you is telling you that you're not worthy, that you aren't gonna achieve what you'd like to achieve, and that you're going to end up looking like a fool, friendless, loveless, and devastated. And you, stupid as you are, will fight that feeling, and lose.

Now I feel depressed. And all I want to do is pay tribute to the Gods of Beer and ask them to change my mood or numb me for a while.



Wish me luck. In a few hours, a new day will come.

Love is generous.

In case you didn't hear already, Nemesis finally told the Viking.

I have a mix of very different emotions: I feel excited, of course, and a bit bad about the Viking (it can't be easy for him). I feel that we are doing the right thing, whether people understand it or not, and I feel closer to Nemesis every minute that we talk, but also scared that she might choose him; that would make my fall a lot harder.

I feel a bit pissed at the Viking too. He has questioned my worth as a suitable couple for Mara, and has called me things that go from "pathetic", to "backstabbing", to "home-wrecker", to, probably, a whole set of more generic adjectives. I understand. But if his foundations are shaking, maybe they weren't that strong to begin with; I think that's one of the things he fails to see.

Another of those things is that this is being done for everyone's happiness. I hope he understands that eventually.

(Parental Advisory: This part here is a bit less... polite. It came out naturally, but it's kinda harsh)

The Viking has given Nemesis 2 weeks to choose. Apparently that's all he can wait for Mara to decide; he would probably feel insulted if it takes longer, I guess. Still, I can't help but notice that he's put himself in the spotlight. Sorry dude, but this is not about you. If you aren't willing to endure for more than two weeks to help Nemesis find her happiness, I'm sorry, but you do not deserve her at all. If you care more about your manly pride than you do about Nemesis' well being, well... You can just go fuck yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for you, but you need to get a grip. You have told Nemesis that you'd give her space, but you're still bumming at her house. What kind of space are you giving her again? Oh, right. The kind of space where your resentment can still be seen by her every single day... how nice of you.

And apparently you called Nemesis a douchebag. OK, I'm going to calm down a bit to figure this one out so I can tell you to GO TO HELL and actually mean it. She is doing what's right, but you don't want to see it. Do you think it's easy for her? Do you think this whole thing isn't killing her? Oh, right, you don't care, because you're too hurt, too dumb and/or too selfish to think about her feelings.

I still think you're not a bad guy. I really don't. But you're not acting like you should. I guess it's pretty easy to be a nice guy when you're feeling ok. But I've always thought that it's the bad times that define us as individuals. And I'm sorry to say that, whatever the outcome of all this may be, at this specific point in time, in this situation, you are acting like a total ass.

So far, regarding this issue, you've been selfish, self absorbed, childish, angry, resentful, territorial and, for lack of a better word, a douche. If this is how you're going to behave whenever a hard situation arises, I hope Nemesis doesn't end up with you. Sorry, that's how I feel.

As Honorary Mother mentioned today: Love is generous.

Friendship

[At the car, JMercury drives, I look out the window]

JMercury: I'm happy because Ms Vermont texted me something cute at last.
Me: ...
JMercury: I know you don't give a shit, but could you pretend that you do?
Me: sorry, I wasn't listening... *chuckles*
JMercury: *shakes head*

Kodak moment.

Today was a decent monday. I didn't work too much, and I had a nice conversation with Nemesis; we talked about us, about life, literature, life, sex, poker, cyber drinking, and much more.

For those of you who might not know, Nemesis has a daughter. She's great, from what I remember and what I hear. She's 3 years old now. We were talking about her and about how big she was already... fat, not big. So she started sending me pics of her: with some friends, at a birthday party, with her mom... and then she sent me a photo of her with the Viking.

They posed quite well. Her, with her "I-shall-eat-your-soul baby teeth"; him, with a pleasing grin.

That image has been flashing before my eyes for a while. They looked quite happy. And yes, I know: posing is an art, and that way, it can deceive and trick you into thinking that something that isn't there is real.

And yes, I also know that what I'm doing is right. Nothing bad should come from this; we're making our feelings clearer and, that way, more real and relevant to our lives. Still, I hate feeling that I might be breaking something. Is one's happiness reason enough to step over someone else's?

A part of me thinks that maybe I should just back up, give up. A part of me wants Nemesis to chose him, so I don't feel responsible for a lost chance. And I understand how absurd that last statement is. I know that part who thinks all those things is the attic where my fears and doubts live. But I don't hate that guy in the picture. I don't hate the Viking at all.

Analysis

I've been feeling a bit... not myself for a while. I'm past the emo part, or I have moved away from it a bit, and I am in an odd mood. I feel like I do nothing of consequence. Even lately, when I talk to Nemesis, after the chat, I can barely feel anything. Some of those conversations have made me feel loved, and I know that. But once they're over, I feel no... purpose in them.

Actually, I feel no purpose on anything. Like everything's meaningless. I guess I'm just too tired of the highs and lows and my body is keeping me away from them for now.

I've discovered that, by neglecting my emotional side, I haven't let it grow. I'm still a teenager emotionally... I started at 13 when this whole thing happened, and I guess I'm reaching 18 now. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel stupid for this (I already have a lot of other reasons to feel stupid for), but I notice that all this emotional roller coasters are making me grow at a tremendous speed. Twenty or so years of repression are trying to catch up with me, and that's a good thing, but it's paying its toll, sometimes.

Going too fast can lead to a couple of accidents, and now that I've noticed this, I think my body is trying to protect me from my mind. And I know I'm still in control. I can choose to break all speed limits and get my feelings up to date as fast as I can.

I don't want to crash. I know I won't protect me for too long, because I don't want this to be another 'Flowers for Algernon'. I don't want to be Charlie Gordon.

I will softly step on the gas, but I'll get there.


"I can be late, but if you can just wait, I will make it eventually"
- Cathy, The last 5 years, by Jason Robert Brown

Against the waves

I just woke up a few minutes ago. I'm still having that slight veil in my eyes, that doesn't quite allow me to enter the world of "the awoken". I had a dream today.

I was in the Philippines, at some party. Nemesis' friends were there (ClinicallyInsane included), some I saw and talked to, and some I just knew were there but couldn't see them (TheCouple+1). I knew that Nemesis was there, although, if I saw her, it was only from afar (long, beautiful dark hair). Her dad was there too; he looked at me with an expression that mixed curiosity and concern, the look of someone who's trying to understand something that is important but too new to be trusted completely right away.

It was a fancy party, at a beautiful place by a hill.

For some reason, at some point, a few of the younger men on that party had to prove our worth: we had to jump into the ocean and swim against the current. We run down the hill, while some men removed their clothes, their shoes... It wasn't a competition. There was not a starting line. We knew we had to do it in order to achieve... something, I guess. Nemesis' dad was looking at the whole thing from the top of the hill, silently judging.

I just removed my shoes and jacket, and jumped into the water. For some reason I was wearing swimming trunks under my slacks (did I know this was going to happen?). The first few minutes of swimming were ok; the water was cold, but not freezing. We had to reach some sculptures that were a couple of hundred meters away from the shore, and, although most of the participants took the whole thing in a playful manner, I knew it was very important for me to try my best. And then the waves came.

A handful of us were getting closer to the sculptures when the waves started getting darker and bigger. They pushed us away from our goal, so we only could advance a few inches if we tried, and get dragged back to the shore if we gave up. The waves were big enough to make me lose sight of the sculptures, dragging me up and down, sensually, violently. I kept swimming as hard as I could.

Around 10 meters away from the sculptures, I woke up.

Doubt and tell

I have finally been able to calm down as much as I can after the latest incident. I have had dinner with JMercury and his mother, who is, not by chance, my honorary mother, and she has given me some insight about all this... situation.

She has suggested that the healthiest thing to do in this situation would be for Nemesis to tell the Viking. It's making this issue way more complicated, and it's going to be messy in the end. Things should be told right from the start, as history has taught us.


Of course, as the scared idiot I am, I suggested that might not be a good idea; why should he suffer for the doubts Nemesis is having?

And of course again, reason does rise above our fears: we're all suffering already from this. Why should we (Nemesis and I) be acting like children doing something wrong? The doubt IS real, after all. Is she going to be able to make a decision while acting in front of the Viking (and some others) as if this wasn't happening? If she chooses me, is she going to be able to tell the Viking that she has been thinking about it for weeks, months? Isn't their relationship already getting hurt by this?

In a nutshell: "Right. We're doing it wrong". The Viking doesn't deserve to be in the dark. We all deserve to be loved fully and without doubts. This is the purpose of all of this, right?

How could I tell Nemesis to do this? I suggested it once, but it IS her decision. I could email the Viking and suggest a Gentlemen's agreement on this. At least things would be clearer for everyone...

One day later, talking to Nemesis, she told me she thinks the same thing. She just has to figure out the how and the when. She's scared that the Viking will freak out.

I don't want her relationship to be more affected by this than it should. I hope the Viking will understand that this, painful as it is, is for the best. I hope Nemesis won't be heartbroken again. I hope this won't end up in a rushed decision, and I trust Nemesis to do the right thing; I know she sometimes struggles to do what it's right, but I also know she really wants to. She's just scared, sometimes. Aren't we all?


"Hoping and wishing will do us no good. If we cannot act on our hopes, fight our fears, and allow us to do the unexpected, we're not worthy of being happy."

Fuck.

Today, as most days since "Now it's up to you", I have talked to Nemesis. We click. Something makes talking to each other... either easy or meaningful. At the end of my day (and hers too) I decided to call her. We've done that a few times (as you might know from our previous post), with different results, always interesting.

And at one point, the call ended mid-sentence. I thought the call got disconnected, so I pressed call again. Then she disconnected. Must be her connection, I imagined.

Nemesis: SOOO SORRY!

Me: :))

Nemesis: Ehm ...

Me: No?

Nemesis: The Viking suddenly walked into the office.

:|

Me: :|

Nemesis: Yeah ... ehm ...

Me: O.O

Nemesis: And I even think he saw you call again.

Me: Fuck

Nemesis: SO SORRY

Me: I'm sorry!!!!

Nemesis: I couldn't close Gtalk fast enough

Me: You ok?

Nemesis: Ehm ... yeah

Dunno yet

How this may affect the situation, I don't know. I know Nemesis has feelings for me. She told me that her heart is saying YES, but logic is saying that she should stay with the Viking.

As much as I want Nemesis to pick me, I know she has to make the right choice, and I don't want that choice to be taken during a fight with The Viking, or me, or anyone else for that matter.

I can't help but feel that I have lost her. I'm trying to stop myself from feeling that, and I know that's probably wrong too.

I know this sounds gay as fuck, but you're reading my blog, so you must have gotten used to it by now, so here it comes:

If there is something called Love, if it exists, if it's as big and powerful as they say it is, Nemesis might be my chance at it. I know she feels a little bit this way too (a bit less girly, probably). If she says "no"... I know I will feel like the only precious thing worth considering in this mediocre world we inhabit is being rejected because it's too much of an inconvenience.

I know it's not fair to think like this. I might have another chance at happiness, who knows... but right now, I seriously doubt it. I can't help it.

Imagine Juliet saying to Romeo "Sorry, my parents told me I should marry this other guy, Paris... You see, he's a Capulet, so... yeah."

Please, let this not be the end of us. Fuck.

Fragile.

A window was our stage, and the texts our voices.

She was the host, the third party. I was me, as I usually am. We were the actors and, most of all, the audience.
It was a play, an interview, about fear and love. At first it was.

The lines became blurry, and the play turned into a horrid radio show. One-way communication, but only maybe.

Laying on the floor, trying to remain conscious, trying to understand the curses that came out of my mouth, I thought "please stop, she shouldn't see this". It's already complicated as it is.

But that was on my side of the world. I could only imagine her in hers: crying, terrified, listening to my loud attempts to catch my breath. And typing, impotent. What else could she do?

...

Today I'm numb, scared, and, most of all, ashamed.

Monkey business

Today has been one of those days... So now I'm tired, and emotionally distressed and in a very "fuck this shit mood". To honor the latter, I shall tell you a double-flash-backed story.


I used to be in a band. Well, I used to define ourselves as a group of friends that happen to play together, but we did gigs here and there (some pretty nice venues too), wrote our own songs, rehearsed, recorded some tracks, and that kind of thing.

It was the year 2005? Or something like that. And we went to record drums for the first time on a house in the outskirts of Madrid. I usually went to work at the recording studio and would leave to the "country house" straight from there, but this was a weekend, I think, because the whole band was there.

After recording some tracks, we ordered a few pizzas and decided to eat them, as tradition dictates. We were talking about rock and roll, friendship, and shit. And then a story combined them all.

Dvd: Dude, I remember when we were kids and used to [insert stuff that you'd do when you were a kid in the 80s]!
Me: Oh yeah, I remember [same kinda crap]

The rest of the friends (and one of the girlfriends who had come that day) nodded assertively and smiled celebrating this long lasting friendship.

Dvd: And I still remember, one time, you threw your own shit to my neighbors.

Silence took over the table, jaws dropped, eyes opened, heads turned, hands stopped, pizza portions hanged.

Me: What? Imposs...! Oh crap. I remember.


Of course, after that the silence didn't manage to persist. Thankfully, laughter was the most reasonable way out. So they laughed. I... on the other hand, had to explain.

Me: Wait, wait! It wasn't like that! I was trying to avenge Dvd from whatever the neighbors had done, so I pooped in my hand and...

...and realized I wasn't making things any better.


Moral? Don't throw excrement in the name of friendship. It will haunt you forever. The memory, not the excrement. Mmmh... I guess that's not so bad, if you look at it that way.

I should keep this in mind.

I just read a couple of my latest posts and think I should keep this in mind:

"If you fall asleep over the keyboard while writing a post, DO NOT just publish it when you wake up just so you can go to bed."

Also, JMercury (my other reader... the 1st one being me) told me that all my posts were kinda depressing. I mentioned to him that, as Fiona Apple once said, "why would I write about stuff when I'm feeling happy? I got nicer things to do when that happens! Should I just stop doing that so I can post a more peppy piece?" But OK, he's got a point.

I might try posting something that doesn't want to put a bullet in your my skull. But I said "might". And "try".